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Hi MJ,

You say that you hate being gay because of how hard it is to pretend to be someone who you are not. But you make the decision to pretend to be someone else - nobody else demands it. Each day you make decisions about how you’re going to behave and how honest you are going to be about yourself. You have all the control and can tackle tomorrow in a different way if you choose to.

Being gay can be lonely and it is harder to meet someone, at least during teen years. But you’re an adult who can cast the net a bit further: university groups, online dating, local LGB social meet-ups etc. If you’d like to raise the chances of meeting someone and making gay friends, do some research and get active. Loneliness isn’t permanent, nor is it exclusive to gay people.

Coming out to family is definitely the hardest part of that journey. I think a negative or homophobic attitude from parents hits hardest because we bestow a special level of authority and weight in what they think. After all, what they thought was right or wrong was the most important thing in our lives at one point and our main guiding light. But being gay isn't something horrible you’ve done to them. You haven’t changed. I think what’s stopping you from speaking up is a lack of courage, but you’ll find it. Keeping your sexuality a secret from those closest to you is a lonely thing, and it won’t help you to feel positive about who you are. The prospect of coming out to your family will always be scary, no matter how long you leave it. Why not take the next opportunity to tell them now?

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Hi Abbie,

I think your decision not to announce your sexuality until you are more sure of it yourself is wise. Coming out could create pressure for you, as you juggle other peoples’ expectations with your uncertain feelings.

I’ve said many times on bgiok - and told a fair few readers off - that it’s unfair to get romantically involved with someone you don’t find attractive or to use someone as a sexuality experiment. But getting involved with someone you like whilst being honest about your doubts is okay if that person is fine with it. No relationship’s success is certain anyway; there is always risk. As long as you are honest then you are not pretending to be something you aren’t or offering something you’re not sure you can give.

Think about the boyfriends you have had so far. Why did you get together in the first place? Were you attracted to them physically? Did you desire them? You broke up because these relationships didn’t feel right. In what way didn’t they feel right? Did you enjoy the physical side of these relationships? I know I’m asking more questions than I’m answering but I think you may get valuable insights by answering them to yourself.

It’s a very good thing that you don’t have negative feelings about homosexuality. This makes life easier. It’s a lot harder to get a clear look at your own sexuality if there is bias toward one outcome.

I can’t tell you whether you are straight, gay or bisexual. I think you need more time. Be open to opportunities and experiences that come along. As previously said, as long as you are honest there is no harm in exploring different options. Try not to over-think it because sexuality won’t rush into clarity for constant scrutiny. More feeling, less thinking.

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Hi L,

You have not lied to your girlfriend’s family. They have assumed that you are friends. You can be respectful of their home and hospitality without having their endorsement of your private life.

I don’t know a great deal about Islam but I have had several emails over the years from gay Muslims - living in the UK and the Middle East - who always report a very homophobic environment at home and in the larger community, along with the inability to come out. Homosexuality is illegal in some Muslim countries, with severe punishment for those who are exposed.

While those bgiok readers who do not come from religious backgrounds have room to speculate on the possible reaction to their coming out, readers from devout families are often confident of a negative response. When homophobic behaviour is defined by religion and culture, coming out can’t ever be a simple case of telling the truth and hoping everyone will accept the news in time. Sometimes it’s even dangerous to do so.

If your girlfriend is certain of a negative backlash to her coming out and revealing your relationship, then I would urge her to keep it under wraps until she no longer lives at home, and is financially independent. You certainly don’t have to hide your relationship indefinitely but practicalities dictate that you wait a little while longer. Her folks are no more likely to accept the news once she’s living away but at least it means you will all have space and as much time as necessary to let it sink in.

In the long term you both have to live your lives and be happy in the way that feels right to you, regardless of any anti-gay stance that the people around you might take. It’s up to those people if they want to be a part of your happiness or choose intolerance and ignorance instead.

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Hi Gregor,

What is the difference between a gay person you admire and respect, and yourself? I suspect the only difference is confidence, life experience, and a few solid gay friends to talk to. You don’t have an issue with homosexuality in terms of it existing and being happy for other people to be open about it. You want to feel better about being gay, which is why you’ve written. Positive stuff.

Think about the experiences you’ve had with males. Why did you feel so bad afterwards? Did the guys treat you poorly? Perhaps you weren’t ready. Many people rush into sex before they’re ready and feel bad afterwards. Perhaps the guys you chose weren’t right for you. You know that being gay is fine, that it’s just a part of who someone is, and that sexuality isn’t something anyone have a choice about. So living your life as a gay person - meeting and being romantically involved with a guy - is fine too.

You can feel better about who you are. I talk from experience. I was very unsure of myself when I was 16 but I met some great people and eventually fell in love with someone who was good for me. My confidence grew as I got older and found peace with who I was. The only way to be happy in life is to accept who you are and to embrace it. Sexuality is one of those things we can’t change, so it’s in everyone’s best interests to learn to be at peace with it. It doesn’t define who you are. All the good things in life are available to you as a gay person.

I go back to my original question: What is the difference between a gay person you admire and respect, and yourself? Figure that out and you’ll be halfway there.

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Hi Willow,

It’s likely that your friend will discover the truth eventually because other people know. Your friend is already wondering why you haven’t revealed the identity of your crush and perhaps she suspects that it’s her - I think the idea would occur to all but the most clueless chum. Telling her may just be beating someone else to it, or jumping in before she asks you. She sounds like the sort of person who will be okay about it.

Let’s just say that there’s no chance of her ever finding out unless you decide to tell her. Is is a good idea to come clean? The benefits of revealing your feelings are negligible if you know for sure that there’s no chance of a romantic relationship. As you point out, it could make thing a little awkward for a while. She may become more conscious of her behaviour - how tactile she is and the things she says - out of a desire not to lead you on or exacerbate the situation. That can settle down in time though, and with assurances from yourself. Being honest about your feelings might make you feel better and like a weight has lifted, but beyond that it’s unlikely to produce much of a result. There’s not a lot a straight friend can do with that information. If your friend was homophobic your news could end the friendship, but that’s not a concern here.

You say that she is supportive when it comes to LGBT matters and she knows that you aren’t straight, so it seems likely to me that she’d have told you by now if she had romantic feelings for you. There don’t seem to be any real barriers between you and a romance blossoming if, indeed, she was interested in you in that way. Your friend has an ongoing opportunity to tell you if she’s not straight and less reasons than many to hide it. I think there’s a strong possibility that she’s one of those heterosexuals you hear about!

Still, sexuality is a very personal journey that’s different for everyone. Perhaps, open as she is, she’s not quite sure who she is or what she wants yet. I wouldn’t suggest that anyone in your situation wait around forever, but I’d be wrong to say definitively that there isn’t a chance that same-sex attraction isn’t a part of who she is or will become. You are a better judge than me because you know her. Look at the evidence. I have friends who are very tactile but I absolutely guarantee they aren’t interested in me romantically. Give it time and think about the benefits - if any - of telling your friend how you feel about her.

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Hi Reece,

It’s painful when you have strong feelings for someone that aren’t felt in return. It also makes it harder to think as rationally as you might do when not in love. We don’t always make the best choices when we’re feeling such powerful emotions. Try not to be too hard on yourself for the decisions you've made lately.

You chose to tell your friend that you had romantic feelings for him, even though he is straight. As I explained to Willow (above), I’m not always sure how beneficial such revelations are, since nothing can come of it romantically and it can create friction in the friendship. That goes for straight and gay people who know there's little or no chance of romance happening with someone they like. However, getting something big off your chest, like a secret crush that's preoccupying you, can be helpful even if the outcome doesn't turn out the way we might like.

Imagine the situation from the friend’s point of view. He’s a 13 year old child who’s got another guy saying he’s in love with him. At 13 he won’t be the most worldly wise chap you could meet, nor should he be. Love is a big deal! He may not have even met a gay person before. Perhaps it’s the first time anyone has expressed anything like this to him - male or female. It’s a lot to take in.

While it’s easy to understand why he might have been surprised or shocked, that doesn’t excuse the way he’s behaved toward you since. It’s unkind and hurtful to ignore you. Still, while it’s reasonable to expect everyone we cross paths with in life to be polite and show basic respect and consideration, nobody is obliged to be a friend or even to interact. This chap isn’t technically doing much wrong. He has decided he doesn’t want to communicate with you, which is his right. While he should be polite and observe basic greetings in school etc., he doesn’t have to do more if he doesn’t want to. A teacher can’t force anyone to speak to - or be friends with - anyone else, but they can, and should, ask that someone is polite and not unkind.

Maybe have another try at explaining how you feel to your friend. Perhaps it’s better to write it in an email so that he's not put on the spot. Explain how you feel and that you miss the friendship. Say you understand that nothing romantic is going to happen but that you felt it was important to tell him. If he doesn’t respond, or respond in a way that indicates renewed friendship is a possibility, it’s time to move on. You’ll drive yourself bonkers chasing after this guy. Focus on other friends and try to react less emotionally to him. It'll become easier with time and will hurt less. Take some of the control back: by pouring your emotions in his direction when it's likely you won't get anything in return means you're choosing to put yourself in a painful situation.

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Hi George,

It’s not unusual for someone of your age to be unsure of their sexuality or to feel frustrated that it isn’t firmly set. Let’s just imagine - and it’s absolutely possible - that you always have a capacity to feel strongly for men sometimes and women sometimes. Would that be so bad? It doesn’t mean that if you met someone you loved, of either gender, you’d be unfulfilled and at the whim of a sexuality that might prefer the other gender tomorrow. I want to reassure you that I’ve never heard from a bisexual person whose sexuality is so in flux throughout life that they they were at it’s mercy and unable to become attached to anyone. As frustrating and unnerving as it seems now, you will be able to have a ‘normal’ relationship in the future (if you want one, that is). I fully believe that there are many people out there who would stimulate you both physically and emotionally, but you haven’t found anyone like that yet. Nature is never black and white and doesn’t work in absolutes: fancying men but never having romantic feelings for them, and having romantic feelings for women but never fancying them is absolute and impossible to reconcile. I suggest that you are ultimately more flexible than that and, in time and with the right person/people, you’ll begin to discover that. Sexuality can feel turbulent to some, especially at your time of life. Be patient and try not to obsess and scrutinise it - it won’t help. It’s not something that can be molded or hastened.

What I’m more concerned about is talk of trying not to feel certain things - to shut feelings and natural urges off - and a general sense that you aren’t comfortable with sex and sexual matters. That’s more of a hurdle to being happy than your sexuality. You certainly can’t make yourself asexual, tempting as it might be to try when you’re feeling fed up with a sexuality that seems uncertain. Attempting to halt, and experiencing such negative feelings around, natural and potentially very enjoyable aspects of life is something you need to address. It’s beyond simple advice I could give here and I strongly urge you to seek counselling to talk over your feelings with a professional, so you can get to the route of the negativity you have around sex. It could be an extension of your frustration around your sexuality and something you’ll feel better about with time, but it certainly won’t be a waste of time to talk to someone anyway. I've written about counselling here and talk about finding a counsellor here.

I’m sure you’ll feel better with time, but it’s vital learn not to fear your feelings - sexual or otherwise - and allow them to manifest naturally. Some of them may be inconvenient or distressing in your current frame of mind, but they won’t become easier to manage if you try to bury them. Trust me, the things you’re afraid of have the potential to bring you great joy and bring you closer to others.