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Hi Chris,

You really must be brave and speak to a teacher about the bullying. I’ve written about bullying and what to do to get it stopped in my dedicated section. I was bullied for many years in secondary school and was terrified of speaking out about it, but it was quickly dealt with when I finally told a teacher. Even now I wish that I had tackled it sooner. remember, you know you’re a good person and so do your friends and family. The idiots who give you a hard time don’t know you and ultimately don’t matter in your life. Also, what a terrible waste of energy and time the bullies spend hassling you when they could be doing better things. Pity them.

It must be frustrating that friends don’t seem to want to engage on the topic of sexuality, but many 12 year olds simply aren’t mature enough yet or have the life experience to be able to empathise with those who are different. Be patient with them. I don’t want to patronise you, but you are children and many of you simply won’t have sexuality or sex matters on the radar yet. As a young gay man you are dealing with issues of sexuality that many heterosexual people take for granted. It doesn’t make them bad people; we simply live in a world that assumes 12 year olds are straight, and isn’t always equipped to best support someone who has different questions and concerns.

If you can, talk to your Mum and Dad about anything that’s worrying you or perhaps an older relative or close family friend. Maybe your school has a counsellor you could make an appointment with. It doesn’t mean that being gay is a problem - it just means you have things on your mind that heterosexul children don’t, and you need to look a bit harder than they do to find suitable support.

As you get older you’ll find that your friends mature and are more able to engage on adult topics. You’ll also meet new people as you go through life and naturally accumulate friends who enjoy being open about the issues you want to discuss. Making good use of the resources that are available to you is key to feeling better, and addressing the bullying as soon as possible. Hard as it is, a little patience with those around you will help you to feel less frustrated too.

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Hi Jacob,

Although we see signs that various parts of the world are becoming more accepting of same-sex relationships, we’re still very much in a heterosexual world. It’s easy to forget that gay people exist, as we go about our daily lives. TV ads, mainstream films, love songs etc. - all very, very straight. If you're not lucky enough to have a gay pal or two you can be forgiven for thinking you’re the only gay person some days. And then you might reach out to the gay scene as an antidote and way of potentially meeting a partner, but what you find may be no friendlier than any other bar in town full of strangers, and harbouring a culture that appears to value looks and youth above all else. That’s all well and good if you’re a stunning 18 year old who’s looking for a good night, but sod-all use if you’re not a supermodel and quite fancy the idea of getting to know someone on a few dates first.

Although these stereotypes hold water, they don’t speak for every gay man in the UK. You are a sensitive chap who’s feeling lonely and would like to be valued for more than what you can contribute to a watercolour. You aren’t alone. I should also point out here that looks and attractiveness are entirely subjective. You might not think much of your reflection but someone else might. It’s a cliche, but there is much more to a person than looks. Some of the guys I’ve connected with most in my life haven’t necessarily been the best looking. It’s also worth remembering that all these good looking people out there didn’t do a thing to earn their pretty faces. Genetic good fortune is all. Think of the things you have achieved, the things you’ve worked hard for. That stuff wasn’t handed to you in the womb, and is truly worth being noticed for. And if you haven’t achieved much or have procrastinated in you low mood, then it’s time to challenge yourself and make some changes.

I’ve written a page with some ideas for meeting people that might help but the key is to stray from your usual comfort zones and the usual crowd. Trust me, I know there’s only so many baby and wedding photos you can stomach before you want a little bit of life for yourself! You can be happy but you’ll have to look a little harder.

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Hi Jane,

You came to the right place if you want the truth. You might not like everything I have to say (or any of it!), but you’ll find it useful, I’m sure.

God, I know how painful it is when you’re nuts about someone who, frankly, doesn’t really give a shit. Rationally, you know that if someone isn’t really all that good for you then why can’t your feelings just sort themselves out and free you from the hurt? But emotions tend to work on a different level from reason and take their own sweet time to shift and refocus. You’ll have to ride the storm, but it can calm sooner if you change your tactics.

You have denied yourself the opportunity to get over this girl by continually falling into bed with her and putting up with her lightswitch behaviour. Once or twice was enough to see this wasn’t going to turn into what you wanted, and this girl has had a wonderful time because she’s had a great plan B whenever she was horny, and she didn’t even need to worry about a bus home. She knew how you felt about her and has shown a complete lack of respect for you. A true friend wouldn’t sleep with someone who was in love with them, and in great pain. Drink is no excuse and makes things worse. Alcohol doesn't alter a person, it just lifts the lid right off and strips any sense of reservation or caution away. She slept with you because she wanted to, not because she’d had a beer. She’s an adult and knew the score.

This young woman has had the luxury of being able to dabble with the idea of being with you for many, many months. She’s played at it and then withdrawn. She’s flirted and then gone cold. She’s imagined a relationship with you and then decided that it’s not for her, only to play around with the thought again when, I dunno, there wasn’t much on the box. She’s had a great old time and you’ve let her. I’m not saying she’s a villain but I am saying that she has not shown respect or care for someone she says is a friend. You have bounced back at every turn because you have such strong feelings for her and kept on thinking, "Maybe this time...". But she’s had a year's more of your patience than she deserves. She also helped herself to your virginity even though she knew she wasn't interested in more than sex, and knowing how you felt about her. Terribly selfish.

I know it’s hard but you have to face the fact that this girl doesn’t want to be with you. She quite likes the odd bunk-up but she’s not the one for you. Would you treat a friend this way? Would you befriend someone new who you knew behaved this way? Would you, knowing what you know now, go through this all again if you zapped back to 2011? Or maybe you think you deserve better. I do.

But you’re not helpless in all this. You made decisions along the way too: the decisions to sleep with her, the decision to give her the benefit of the doubt once again, the decision to be patient, the decision to entertain various explanations for her behaviour. You latest decision to cut contact is the right one and, going forward, you can decide not to sleep with her again or jump when she thinks she’d like to give it a go because she’s got a few days with nothing much in her diary.

You sound like an intelligent, sensitive and caring person and you deserve much, much better than waiting around for this thing to never happen with someone who doesn’t deserve even a half of you.

So leave her off Twitter. Block her on Facebook. Delete her email address and phone number. Do it because you want to heal, not because you want to see how hard she’ll try to get in touch without these options. Don’t play that game. She’ll disappoint you and you’ll feel even worse. Trust me: been there, done that, hurt like hell for far too long. Whatever she texts, it’ll never be what you want to read. She’ll never text back quickly enough, or she'll use words that are ambiguous, or you’ll sit and stare at the screen and wonder what she meant for more than the 5 seconds it deserves.

As for the upcoming social week: be polite, keep the conversation surface level. By that I mean: what you’re doing at work/college, how your family are, what the weather is doing back home, how the dog’s gum problems are faring. Don’t even approach talk of your feelings or hopes, and don’t rake over the past. She doesn’t care anywhere near as much as you do. You know this already, but you’ll be tempted to prod and test once again. You’ll just set yourself up for hurt. Don’t give her an opportunity to disappoint and hurt you by handing her a part of your heart. She might be interested for a bit, if her favourite song just finished, but will always leave it on the table and find something else to do. Keep alcohol to a minimum or, better, don’t drink at all when she is around. That way, you get to keep more of the rational brain active and it can keep the emotional side in check. Focus on the other friends who will be there. Deliberately make an effort to talk to others and enjoy the various aspects of the week. Polite, surface-level stuff with her, and a little imaginary shield around yourself that protects you from any negative effects of the things she says or does. And if she bunks up with someone - good for her. She’s single and can do what she likes. But so can you. It might hurt, but she’s not yours and you can take some control back now. She’ll won’t hide it from you because she just doesn’t think that way, which is another reason not to count her among your closest friends.

The best way to move on and give the middle finger to this hurt and the way this girl has treated you, is to strive to be your best. Get on with life, be successful, enjoy your other friends, try new things - get back to you. You’ve got a bit lost, all caught up in this girl and unable to see much else. Break out from all that now.

Hurt, because you have no choice. Accept it. But it will get better if you don’t stoke up the flames anymore. No sex with her, no poignant conversations, no fraught texts in the middle of the night. She’s had her chance and, boy, has she made the most of it. Time to move on.

You are a great person and there are plenty of lovely ladies out there who you won’t need a degree in psychology to figure out or the patience of a saint to tolerate. Remember, friends are those who care about us and treat us with respect. I suggest that there is only a place in your life for this girl when you no longer hurt for her and when she treats you with the respect and consideration that a friend should. It may never happen and please don't waste a second waiting.

If this has seemed harsh it’s because I want your to realise that you deserve better.

You will be happy again.

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Hi Blathnaid,

As human beings, we quite like order, stability and predictability. We like to know that our friends today will be our friends tomorrow and that our house won’t appear in a different street the next time we come looking for it. It makes us feel safe and secure to nail things down, to trust and rely on them. It’s the same with sexuality. We desperately want to put a label on it; something we can use to clearly define ourselves, to ourselves and others. It’s frustrating, to creatures of order, to have something so core to our makeup that can be a bit vague and intangible to many, especially during the teen years. I’m afraid you just have to go through it and allow your sexuality to form more fully in its own time.

You’re exploring various ideas around sex and identity, and this is normal. Wondering what it might be like to be a boy doesn’t mean you should rush off to the sex change clinic, and fancying girls or guys doesn't mean you are 100% one thing or another or exactly half of both. We’re all different, much as people like to pretend that it’s clear-cut. Sure, some are lucky in that they feel they are gay or straight, but for many people it’s more complicated than that. You’ll know when you fancy someone, when you want to be close to someone, and when your body responds to someone in that special way that is very different to how you feel with a friend. If it makes you feel better to define your sexuality then that’s completely up to you, but it doesn’t sound as though there’s anyone prodding for answers apart from you. Take your time.

Regarding the use of the word ‘gay’ as a pejorative term, I don’t think this is a good thing at all. When I was in school this wasn’t popular, but it seems to have sprung up in the last 10 years or so. Even intelligent 20-somethings use it around me, which always surprises. I never fail to point out how childish it is, and how it’s a lazy use of language. After all, calling everything you’re not keen on ‘gay’ doesn’t show much intelligence or imagination, and seems to be to part of a recent trend to be generally less committal with words and far less expressive. I urge you to point this out to people if they offend you and you feel able. The word is often not used maliciously or consciously of it’s impact, but it always undermines and shows a lack of considerations for those who are different. It’s become part of the standard vocabulary, especially amongst younger people, and it’s not a positive shift. ‘Faggot’ is downright rude. It’s more often an American-used term, not popping up in the UK as often, and there’s nothing endearing or affectionate about it. Those who use it are likely more aware of its offensive potential than someone using ‘gay’ causally. It strikes me as quite an aggressive word and very much homophobic in meaning and often in intent.

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Hi Scott,

You sound very sure of your sexuality and you’re certainly past being an uncertain child or teen. You, of course, don’t need to actually go anywhere near a man to know that you are gay, just as a heterosexual person’s sexuality isn’t questioned even before they’ve ‘proven it’ with a partner. I’ve often thought that if I was beamed up by the mothership and taken to a planet populated entirely by women, I’d still be gay... but just terribly frustrated. But at least the conversation would be very good. Anyway, the point is that we know what we are. As I said to Blathnaid in my reply to her above, people like to define their sexuality because it makes us feel secure and that we know where we are in life and in relation to other people. It can be frightening to entertain uncertainty in sexuality and that the understanding we have of ourselves might crumble. I can understand why the idea of being attracted to the gender a person doesn’t usually find attractive might cause anxiety to someone. But if you’ve never fancied women, why worry yourself with theoretical scenarios? Besides, would it be so terrible if a woman came into your life who made you feel those things you usually only feel for men? I’ve liked guys from the moment puberty kicked in and I doubt at 37 I’ll ever meet a woman who sparks off something previously dormant, but I’m not afraid of the possibility. If you fall in love with someone who’s wonderful and makes you happy, what does it matter if you have to revise your assumptions and learn a few new tricks?

You’re a gay man so stop worrying and enjoy men. However unlikely it is that a woman might be a part of your romantic future, try not to be afraid of possibilities or preoccupied with things that haven’t happened.