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Hi Worried,

I think the fact that your husband has placed personal ads on gay websites without your knowledge clearly demonstrates that he's not telling you everything about how he feels and what he wants. You seem very calm about it all, but his behaviour is dishonest and, presumably, a prelude to being unfaithful to you; a man generally doesn't place personal ads on gay websites if he's looking for a penpal. My less cynical side reminds me that people do sometimes use such websites to make new friends, but then why the secrecy? Regardless, you're allowed to be angry and hurt about this and to think about your own needs and feelings. It's all very well being concerned about someone who's unsure of their sexuality and giving them time, but you married a man: not a confused teen project. He promised certain things when he made that commitment to you.

I agree with the sentiment that you can have a successful, monogamous relationship with a bisexual person. It's just not the case that all bisexual people need complete sexual freedom and simply can't 'settle' for one person and gender. Being in a committed relationship means giving up sex with other people, regardless of the sexuality of the people within that relationship. In theory, a person could be so equally interested in both genders and so sexually driven that they can't commit, but I'm yet to meet someone who feels this way. Besides, that person would know they felt that way before walking down the aisle with anyone. A person who's in love, is happy and fulfilled says no to other sexual opportunities because they want to maintain what they have with their partner. This shouldn't be a burden or a challenge when two people are happy together.

You have to confront your husband and let him know that you know about the gay personal ads. He doesn't seem to be volunteering this important information, and keeping it to yourself is just going to make you miserable. You don't have to attack him, but I think it's essential to talk about all this. Painful as it is, you need to know where you stand and you deserve more than pretending everything is okay while constantly worrying. A sexually adventurous married life is fine, as long as both parties are happy, but it sounds like the rules might be changing and you need to find out why.

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Hi Joan,

The abuse that you suffered while living with your father has left emotional scars that will take time to heal. It's wonderful that you are now living with your Mum who's attitude sounds as though it may be the opposite of your father's bigoted and aggressive approach to life. It's terrible that you had to go through that and to feel resented and unwelcome in a place where you should have been loved and safe. Teen years can be tough, especially when a person if trying to figure out their sexuality and other important things about themselves, but it's much harder against a backdrop of abusive behaviour and negativity at home. Have you told your Mum about what happened? I think it would be a very good idea and may make you feel better.

I also think it would help you to get external support from a counsellor. Talking about what happened back then and how you're feeling today will allow you to process events properly and find a positive way forward.

Thinking about the good things is important: you now live with your Mum and you also have a strong sense of what you like; you don't want to date and kiss boys, so don't do it. It's not a problem that you like girls, and it's also okay if you're simply not sure or don't feel ready to pin a label on yourself. Your Mum clearly doesn't have a problem with gay people so it sounds as though the home environment will be supportive if you talk about your sexuality and, again, I do think it would be a good idea to open up to her about what's going on in your life.

Being bullied at school, no matter what the reason the bullies give, is not acceptable. You have as much right as every other young person to feel safe when you go to school. Please speak to someone about it. Read my bullying section for more.

Life will get better now that you no longer live with your father, but learning about and getting to know yourself better will take time (and you're not alone in this). Don't give yourself a hard time. Relax and enjoy time with your Mum and your friends. Things will make more sense as time goes by, especially now that you're finally in an environment where that can happen naturally.

(Oh, and I'm vegan too - you go for it if that's what you want, but be sure to read up on it to make sure you're eating properly and getting what your body needs. This is especially important as you're still growing and going through lots of physical changes. I expect your sister knows all about it.)

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Hi Julia,

Not everyone knows that they are gay or bisexual straight away and it's normal to assume we are straight before, and even after, puberty kicks in. It's also normal to question things a little later on, once a person has had a few experiences and a basis for thinking about what feels right. You've had boyfriends and say that you've been happy with them. You also say that you feel more of an emotional connection with guys but don't find men as physically and sexually appealing as women. Like a lot of people, you haven't really given this much thought to begin with, but now you've probably realised that when you're in a relationship with someone you should feel the physical attraction as well as an emotional connection. Otherwise, you're essentially dating a good friend and just going through the motions when physical closeness; that's not how it's supposed to be.

So you say that the guys you have dated don't give you that same feeling, but do any guys appeal to your physically to the same degree as a woman you like does? It's possible that you've just not met a guy, or been involved with one, who made you feel that way.

It's important to be very honest with yourself, and if you simply don't fancy guys then you shouldn't date any. Have you ever had a girlfriend? Is this something that appeals to you? As someone who is physically and sexually interested in women, I think this sounds like a good idea. It's also okay to just decide that you're not sure and need time. There's no rush. Whatever you do, the most important thing is that you do it for the right reasons: if you get close to someone it should be because you find them attractive.

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Hi,

It's very hard to have a relationship with someone you haven't met in person nor are likely to for several years. I think it's important to have realistic expectations about what may or may not be available here.

The idea of your girlfriend wanting to take a break when you haven't met and live thousands of miles apart... I think to some people this relationship may look like a kind of indefinite break, even when there aren't problems.

Do you speak on the phone or is this an entirely Internet-based relationship? Is this arrangement good for you? Are you happy and fulfilled by it? Are you content to not have any physical contact - indefinitely? I appreciate that you wrote to me about your argument and not about he pros and cons of long-distance relationships, but I think this unusual set-up is entirely relevant when discussing how well things are going or how likely it is that the relationship will succeed.

It's important that you are both honest about what you want out of life and if that is compatible with what you're attempting with each other. My personal take on this is that it's not particularly healthy arrangement and that you are both missing out on opportunities to form relationships with local people who can give you so much more. It's also a lot easier to discuss problems and overcome disagreements if you're within driving distance of each other. The fact that you are falling out, to the extent that one or both of you want a break, is not a sign that you have a strong foundation to base years of waiting on. I know internet relationships can mean a great deal when a person is lonely or feels that their social opportunities are limited, but they can also distract you from making more of your immediate environment and pushing yourself to meet local people.

As for the argument itself, it's normal to have different opinions on any issue, but a healthy relationship allows for that difference. It shouldn't be cause for a break or a break-up if you see things differently to each other, and differences of opinion are not a justification for rudeness. It's also not part of a healthy relationship when one person simply refuses to talk about something that the other person feels is unresolved, or is causing them unhappiness. I'm sorry if it seems I have a downer on this relationship, but I do feel that it's not bringing you joy and will restrict you in many ways in the long term.

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Hi Hugh,

Attempting to control how other people perceive you and what they think about you will drive you mad. Simply, you can't. The way to a happy life is to do what feels right for you, not alter your behaviour to give other people what you think they want or expect of you. If you live like this, you're just an actor in a play and you're not being yourself. What a waste of energy and time that you could be spending living.

It doesn't matter how feminine or not you are or how big your arms are, and if your behaviour and muscle mass is important to someone else then let that be their wasted hours and not yours. Who are you and what do you want? What sort of man do you want to be with? What makes you feel inadequate? A healthy desire to improve yourself or a measure against other people? Are you being yourself or a caricature of what you want other people to think a gay man is? If you didn't care about what other people thought of you what decisions might you make about how you live your life? How freeing and exciting that could be.

It's not easy to quieten your mind when you're the sort of person who thinks and feels deeply, but it's important to identify unhelpful thoughts and put them in their right place: tell them they're not helpful and replace them with something positive i.e. discard 'I'm inadequate and I don't want my colleagues thinking I'm a camp gay man like all the others' and replace it with, 'I'm a good person. I'm unique. I don't have to representing a whole minority group with my decisions and behaviour. People will think what they will and I have no control over that. All I can do is live my life in the way I think is right and allow other people to make up their own minds about me.'

Go to the gym, and be selective about who you date - fine - but do it for you and nobody else. An hour spent doing something because you want to influence the thoughts of another person is an hour you could have spent doing something healthy, positive and progressive for yourself.

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Hi Hinotai,

You are being bullied and you need to ask for help. You've said you don't want to speak to a teacher and you've also ruled out counselling, but I think you know that you have problems that absolutely require external support.

A group of pupils are harassing you and this has to stop. Bullying takes many forms, but there's no doubt that you're a victim of it here. The teachers likely haven't done a lot about it because they don't know what's really going on or how serious it is. You have to let them know so that they can take steps to get it stopped - it's part of their job to provide a safe environment where each pupil can flourish. You can't, and shouldn't have to, handle this alone. My dedicated bullying section may help further.

You also can't deal with self-harm on your own, and it sounds like you would also benefit from talking about various issues around your confidence. Counselling can be very helpful. It's a blanket statement to say you don't like counsellors. Have you ever had counselling or met many counsellors? I've had counselling at various times in my life and found it beneficial, as have many people. A counselling session is the opportunity to explore your worries and problems confidentially, away from family and your usual circle of friends, and to get professional advice on dealing with issues in a healthy and positive way; changing negative patterns and habits that are preventing you from enjoying life as much as you could.

Ask for help and you may be surprised at how quickly things start to get better.

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Hi Tjasa,

I have to admit that I don't have any real experience on the topic of adoption in general but I have met a gay couple in my home town who foster, and I think it's a wonderful thing. It's often said that the most important thing for a child is to be in an environment where he or she is love, and that the gender of those who offer that environment is irrelevant. I share this view completely. We need to focus on the welfare of children and not personal prejudices. This might be something you could say to your friend the next time he suggests that same-sex couples shouldn't be allowed to adopt.

I agree with you that it is better a child be adopted by a loving couple than to be in care or a temporary situation. In our modern world family can take many forms: single parents; a dad who stays at home while mum has a career; same-sex parents; grandparents taking over because the parents can't cope through illness for other reasons etc. Again, as long as a child has a loving, secure and supportive environment to grow in then it doesn't matter what gender the parents are.

Children don't become gay because they have gay parents; children learn to be good people people they have good people around them.

I imagine a child could potentially be teased for having same-sex parents, but this excuse for bullying should be treated in the same way as any other and dealt with swiftly by teachers. It would be awful that the only thing about having same sex parents that's worse than growing up in an opposite-sex household is the heightened potential for bullying beyond the walls of the family home

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Hi Taelor,

You've said that you have no desire to be a man, so I would put transgender worries aside. This is a time of uncertainty for you and you're still working out who you are. This isn't unusual for a young person like yourself. It's also not unusual to become a little too focused on these issue and for the mind to conjure up quite radical and far-out ideas. I spend a lot of time in problem page replies trying to help people to find ways of taming their thinking patterns to be more helpful and less frightening or negative. You feel that you lean toward lesbianism and have no desire to change your gender: these are powerful statements about who you. While you feel confused and uncertain to an extent, you also have a good sense of how you feel and should use these statements as an anchor when you find yourself thinking off in strange or troubling directions that don't relate to your reality.

As for dreams, we have no control over those. I'm a gay man but have had dreams where I was with a woman, and others where I was a parent. I can vividly remember walking around a supermarket with my son and worrying about him straying too far from my sight. But I'm still a gay man who's not making babies! I'm not an expert, and while dreams are mysterious and not completely understood it's commonly felt that they are not literal statements about your present or future life. Outside of spiritual circles, dreams are often considered to be your brain having the freedom to do whatever it wants for a few hours without being constantly analysed and checked. It's normal for your everyday worries to shape your dreams, though not always in ways you'd expect. And we mostly dream an awful lot of complete nonsense!

Try to focus on what you know about yourself and how you feel today, not on dreams and random notions that have little or no basis. Practice recognising unhelpful and troubling thoughts and telling them to get lost.

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Hi Alice,

It sounds to me as though you are quite self-aware and a sensitive, thoughtful person, especially for someone so young. Although you're writing to me to talk about some things you don't understand, you actually know quite a lot about yourself.

It's important not to worry about what you don't feel or what you think you should feel, because you can't force emotions or responses to situations. Emotion is a very natural, spontaneous thing. We can decide how to behave, but we can't decide how to feel. So if you experienced anger, for example, but realised that you were being unfair or irrational, then you can decide not be behave in an angry way and try to calm down. You can't help that initial angry feeling but you can question that response and choose how to express yourself. You worry that you don't experience love for your family or that there are other feelings that you don't comprehend, but that doesn't mean that love and other feelings aren't a part of you.

You say that your mum disgusts you. This is a powerful and negative feeling that is bound to leave little room for a sense of love (though that doesn't mean it's not there underneath). Why do you feel this way toward her?

Try not to analyse your feelings and responses too much. Constant analysis makes it hard to see the truth of how a person is feeling i.e. you might feel happy because someone did something nice for you, but thinking over your feelings and behaviour can take any joy out of a happy moment.

I think things will make more sense with time. I know this isn't a definitive answer to your concerns, but there simply isn't one at the moment. Undertanding sexuality and getting to know yourself better takes time and can't be rushed or forced. Growing up is all about figuring out who you are and how you feel about all sorts of things. Be patient with yourself and always be honest about how you feel. It's okay to simply not know how you feel too. That will happen less as you get older.

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Hi Lucy,

There's no rule when it comes to what age someone begins to think about their sexuality, and it's different for everyone. As Alice' email (above) demonstrates, I sometimes get emails from people as young as 11 with similar concerns to the ones that you have.

You seem to be conflicted: on the one hand you'd quite like people to work out that you might not be heterosexual, via your hints and their own intuition, saving you from having to face coming out, and on the other hand you don't want to be bisexual or lesbian. I think what you most want is to be accepted for who and what you are - whatever that may be - and to continue to enjoy the friends you have. I think this is pretty much what anyone wants.

If you are unsure of how you feel about girls then there's no need to make a statement to anyone about it for the moment. While I think that talking to a trusted friend can help a great deal, actually thinking of a coming out process while you're not completely sure of yourself seems premature. Wait until you think you know if you are bisexual or gay before giving other people a label to put on you.

Don't put any pressure or impose time limits on yourself. Things will become clearer with time, as your feelings become stronger and clearer, and you'll be in a much better position to tackle coming out.

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Hi Loris,

It must have been disappointing to take the step to come out to your mum only to have her be dismissive. As someone who's almost 18 years old you're far from being a confused child and deserve to be taken seriously.

The fact that your mum said you shouldn't broadcast the news of your sexuality suggests to me that she's not comfortable with your news and doesn't want other people to know. But you're a young adult and want your sexuality to be acknowledged and accepted, as it should be, by those closest to you.

So you've hit a brick wall as it doesn't sound as though your mum has opened the door to discussion or possibility. My advice is to be patient with her. You may feel hurt and angry, but try not to react with these emotions at the forefront, and get into arguments. That won't help your mum to see a calm young adult who's succinctly stating the facts of her sexuality. Give her time and then raise the issue again. A good idea, when dealing with an awkward parent, is to wait until you have a girlfriend who you're serious about and want to introduce her to; it makes things more 'real' for the person who's resisting. It's hard to sweep your sexuality under the rug when you're bringing someone you love round for a cuppa.

Don't let this disappointing experience put you off coming out to other people in your life. You did a brave and assertive thing by telling your mum, so keep that positive momentum going. I hope you find the encouragement and support that you deserve in subsequent coming out attempts.

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Hello,

You are focused on what your parents will think of the decisions you make around your sexuality, and this means your feelings and wants are being throttled. Not feeling that you have the freedom to be whatever you need to be is making you feel frustrated, stressed and trapped.

But you can't base decisions around your happiness on what's best for other people - even those closest to you. It may make your parents happy if their daughter is heterosexual and keen to leap down the aisle with a man, but fulfilling someone else's dream by pretending to be someone that you're not is a hollow and lonely way to live. Having said that, it doesn't sound as though you are completely sure where your sexuality lies, so it would be premature to rule out the possibility that what you end up wanting is exactly what your parents hope for. But your hopes and theirs should only ever match by coincidence, not by force or design.

No amount of worrying about what your parents want will help you to decide whether you are bisexual or gay; you need time and a calm head for that. They will simply have to accept your sexuality, like everyone else. It's not within your control or theirs. A homophobic parent never stopped a gay child from being gay by kicking off about it: they just created obstacles to their child being happy.

You'll be whatever you're supposed to be, and no amount of worry will help. Be kind to yourself by saying it's okay to not consider other people's feelings on your sexuality, and instead focus on how you feel as you make sense of it. Unless you feel a desperate urge to tell your parents you might be gay, just leave coming out until you have a stronger sense of where your sexuality lies. No time-limits, no pressure. Remember, the pressure is coming from within you, and your parents likely have little idea of what you're going through.

You can only be truly happy by being honest with yourself and seeking that which makes you happy. Life's a miserable place when we let others shape and restrict us to fit their dreams.

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Hi M-Kay,

In defence of other websites - that may or may not have a dedicated problem page or someone on hand to reply to advice or support requests - they/we get a lot of general coming out queries, asking questions similar to yours. If I have a lot of emails to reply to, as I often do, I try to prioritise enquiries that involve issues not covered in the main site. Perhaps other websites have a similar approach, though I can't remember ever seeing another gay youth website with an active advice section like bgiok (but enough bragging!). I've written a special section on coming out. It's a good place to start. You may also find the bisexuality page useful.

As you seem to suspect, everyone will react differently to your coming out and not everyone will react the way you may have assumed. People can have strange ideas about homosexuality and bisexuality and what they mean, so often part of coming out is clearing up those misconceptions.

You are the best judge of how each person may react, but people can be unpredictable. Back when I was 16 and began coming out, I found that people who I assumed were a touch homophobic turned out to be absolutely fine, while others I thought would be fine went very quiet and slowly drifted out of my life. But a lot of the time my guesses were fairly accurate. The simple fact is that eventually you'll want to be open about your sexuality and any future partners you have with everyone in your life, so it's not really a case of only coming out to people you think will be supportive. Part of coming out is about dealing with those who have issues with the news, and it's impossible, long term, to avoid that side of things.

Certainly start off by speaking to the person - or people - you think is most likely to be supportive, and take it from there. It's a lot easier to deal with someone who's difficult or negative when you already have a few people on your side.

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Hi Lily,

If you think you no longer have control over your drinking please talk to a doctor. You don't necessarily have to reveal the reasons why you began drinking to excess in order to get help with addiction. In the Long-term, though, it would make a massive difference to your wellbeing to open up about your worries and perhaps some counselling may be available via your doctor that could provide a safe environment for you to do this. It's hard for me to guess because it sounds as though you are not UK-based.

Your self-destructive urges and behaviour are an outlet for your frustration and negative feelings. It's hard work to keep these powerful feelings locked away and to not reveal them to anyone. Nobody knows the pain you feel when you see the girl you like having a good time at a party. It's lonely and tough. But you need to find healthy ways of dealing with your pain.

There's always risk involved in coming out, but it seems like a good idea to talk to your best friend, especially since you suspect she will be supportive. Opening up about your situation will help you cope and provide an outlet for the frustrations that usually result in drinking or thoughts of self-harm. It's also essential that you don't get into romantic and sexual relationships with people that you don't have those feelings for. It's not fair on either parties.

Your best friend may view you differently, but that doesn't necessarily mean it'll be in a negative way. She may view you as a brave young adult who knows what she is and has the courage to speak about it in an environment that isn't embracing of difference. She may respect you in a new way. She's your best friend for a reason, after all, so you probably couldn't find a coming out situation that's more likely to go well.