Problem page archive entries:
March 19th - 31st 2012

Name [worriedwife] Age [24] Gender [F]


I need advice, I think my husband may be more bisexual than he tells me, or possibly gay. We have a child together so the stakes are high if he actually wants to stay faithfully with me. I assured him that I am completely ok with him being bisexual. I just liked his honesty and told him to keep it that way. I dont think hes telling me the whole truth though, he puts ads up on gay dating sites, and sometimes pics. He doesnt know that I know this, but it concerns me. I know that it is a sensitive subject so I am not going to attack him with what I know. We've experimented together and I loved doing it with him, but I fear he wants to do more, without me there. Im scared of losing him, but also I dont want him to be miserable with me and have it affect our family. I need to know what, if theres anything I can say or do to have him tell me what he is really feeling. I know I cant force him to do so, but Im scared and feel kind of lied to... please help...


Hi Worried,

I think the fact that your husband has placed personal ads on gay websites without your knowledge clearly demonstrates that he's not telling you everything about how he feels and what he wants. You seem very calm about it all, but his behaviour is dishonest and, presumably, a prelude to being unfaithful to you; a man generally doesn't place personal ads on gay websites if he's looking for a penpal. My less cynical side reminds me that people do sometimes use such websites to make new friends, but then why the secrecy? Regardless, you're allowed to be angry and hurt about this and to think about your own needs and feelings. It's all very well being concerned about someone who's unsure of their sexuality and giving them time, but you married a man: not a confused teen project. He promised certain things when he made that commitment to you.

I agree with the sentiment that you can have a successful, monogamous relationship with a bisexual person. It's just not the case that all bisexual people need complete sexual freedom and simply can't 'settle' for one person and gender. Being in a committed relationship means giving up sex with other people, regardless of the sexuality of the people within that relationship. In theory, a person could be so equally interested in both genders and so sexually driven that they can't commit, but I'm yet to meet someone who feels this way. Besides, that person would know they felt that way before walking down the aisle with anyone. A person who's in love, is happy and fulfilled says no to other sexual opportunities because they want to maintain what they have with their partner. This shouldn't be a burden or a challenge when two people are happy together.

You have to confront your husband and let him know that you know about the gay personal ads. He doesn't seem to be volunteering this important information, and keeping it to yourself is just going to make you miserable. You don't have to attack him, but I think it's essential to talk about all this. Painful as it is, you need to know where you stand and you deserve more than pretending everything is okay while constantly worrying. A sexually adventurous married life is fine, as long as both parties are happy, but it sounds like the rules might be changing and you need to find out why.

Name [Joan] Age [13] Gender [F]

i always thought of being with another girl and had a huge crush on this one girl. i lived with my dad for about 6 years of my life (since i was 6) and he would always tell me never to marry a man of another color. i would always run up stairs crying because of this. because i was never ever prejudice! but he was always. he hated me. mostly because i looked and was just like my older sister alyson. i wanted to be a vegan like her but he would threaten me every time i mentioned it. he would punish me, beat me, and verbally abuse me because i looked like her. he would always make fun of gay people and he tried to grow us to believe the same. i refused to believe him. i would cry each and every night because he was so prejudice and on top of that, he hated my guts. i would cut my self because of this every night and still do to this day. i live with my mom right now and she has alot of gay friends so she is supportive. but i don't know what to do, i hate my self! i can't stand being bullied. at my old school i would be bullied every day for being different and dressing like a guy. up until the middle of 6th gr when i decided to date a guy then after that, another one in which i had my first kiss. i HATED it! i couldn't stand it! so i broke up with him out of confusion by using a rumor i knew wasn't true. i felt guilty and alone and sad. but most of all, i felt confused! what should i do?! i can't even imagine kissing a guy without being grossed out and sick to my stomach! i just need some help. i'm scared of what i should do! -joan


Hi Joan,

The abuse that you suffered while living with your father has left emotional scars that will take time to heal. It's wonderful that you are now living with your Mum who's attitude sounds as though it may be the opposite of your father's bigoted and aggressive approach to life. It's terrible that you had to go through that and to feel resented and unwelcome in a place where you should have been loved and safe. Teen years can be tough, especially when a person if trying to figure out their sexuality and other important things about themselves, but it's much harder against a backdrop of abusive behaviour and negativity at home. Have you told your Mum about what happened? I think it would be a very good idea and may make you feel better.

I also think it would help you to get external support from a counsellor. Talking about what happened back then and how you're feeling today will allow you to process events properly and find a positive way forward.

Thinking about the good things is important: you now live with your Mum and you also have a strong sense of what you like; you don't want to date and kiss boys, so don't do it. It's not a problem that you like girls, and it's also okay if you're simply not sure or don't feel ready to pin a label on yourself. Your Mum clearly doesn't have a problem with gay people so it sounds as though the home environment will be supportive if you talk about your sexuality and, again, I do think it would be a good idea to open up to her about what's going on in your life.

Being bullied at school, no matter what the reason the bullies give, is not acceptable. You have as much right as every other young person to feel safe when you go to school. Please speak to someone about it. Read my bullying section for more.

Life will get better now that you no longer live with your father, but learning about and getting to know yourself better will take time (and you're not alone in this). Don't give yourself a hard time. Relax and enjoy time with your Mum and your friends. Things will make more sense as time goes by, especially now that you're finally in an environment where that can happen naturally.

(Oh, and I'm vegan too - you go for it if that's what you want, but be sure to read up on it to make sure you're eating properly and getting what your body needs. This is especially important as you're still growing and going through lots of physical changes. I expect your sister knows all about it.)

Name [Julia] Age [15] Gender [F]

Hey Jason, I am a 15 year old girl, and I've been straight all my life. I've always had crushes on guys and boyfriends who I've been happy with. I did have a crush on a girl once, but it was short. Even though I've always been emotionally attracted to guys, I don't find any of them 'hot' persay. I'm much more physically/sexually attracted to girls, I always have been, but not until a couple months ago have I actually thought it meant anything. My question is, am I straight? Or am I something else, (bisexual maybe?) I have no idea, I was wondering if I could hear your opinion. Thanks! Love-Julia


Hi Julia,

Not everyone knows that they are gay or bisexual straight away and it's normal to assume we are straight before, and even after, puberty kicks in. It's also normal to question things a little later on, once a person has had a few experiences and a basis for thinking about what feels right. You've had boyfriends and say that you've been happy with them. You also say that you feel more of an emotional connection with guys but don't find men as physically and sexually appealing as women. Like a lot of people, you haven't really given this much thought to begin with, but now you've probably realised that when you're in a relationship with someone you should feel the physical attraction as well as an emotional connection. Otherwise, you're essentially dating a good friend and just going through the motions when physical closeness; that's not how it's supposed to be.

So you say that the guys you have dated don't give you that same feeling, but do any guys appeal to your physically to the same degree as a woman you like does? It's possible that you've just not met a guy, or been involved with one, who made you feel that way.

It's important to be very honest with yourself, and if you simply don't fancy guys then you shouldn't date any. Have you ever had a girlfriend? Is this something that appeals to you? As someone who is physically and sexually interested in women, I think this sounds like a good idea. It's also okay to just decide that you're not sure and need time. There's no rush. Whatever you do, the most important thing is that you do it for the right reasons: if you get close to someone it should be because you find them attractive.

Name [Anonymous] Age [?] Gender [F]

Dear Jason,

I met my amazing girlfriend on this site. I'm so happy that I found her and she's perfect for me. But there's something that almost teared us in two yesterday.. it was about religion.. I'm a Christian and she's an Atheist.. we got into this argument and I got really mad at her and called her "selfish" for supposedly not taking the time to think about there not being a God or not. And she got really upset at what was said and she wouldn't talk to me.. and then I suggested if we could possibly "take a break" and in my mind I was like, why am I asking her this.. I knew, in my heart, that she was going to say no but I was wrong. She said yes and then I went offline. I came back on asking for forgiveness and I wanted her back so bad.. I couldn't stand even two seconds of the break.. but then, she STILL wanted to take a break and I really thought it was the end of us. I was so depressed so I took a nap. My mom knew about our little fight so she put me back online and yes, there was "a message awaiting me" at the computer. It ended up being my girlfriend who wanted me back and she was sorry but, to this day, I'm still hurt about what happened. She was rude too and she said things that I thought that shouldn't be said either. I tried to bring it up, but she doesn't want to talk about it. Should I bring the subject up to her again? or should I just drop it? Is this even a healthy relationship? We're thousands of miles apart and we're so alike yet so different. I'm planning on meeting her in a couple years when I'm a little older but, I can't stand not being there and not having her physically close to me.



It's very hard to have a relationship with someone you haven't met in person nor are likely to for several years. I think it's important to have realistic expectations about what may or may not be available here.

The idea of your girlfriend wanting to take a break when you haven't met and live thousands of miles apart... I think to some people this relationship may look like a kind of indefinite break, even when there aren't problems.

Do you speak on the phone or is this an entirely Internet-based relationship? Is this arrangement good for you? Are you happy and fulfilled by it? Are you content to not have any physical contact - indefinitely? I appreciate that you wrote to me about your argument and not about he pros and cons of long-distance relationships, but I think this unusual set-up is entirely relevant when discussing how well things are going or how likely it is that the relationship will succeed.

It's important that you are both honest about what you want out of life and if that is compatible with what you're attempting with each other. My personal take on this is that it's not particularly healthy arrangement and that you are both missing out on opportunities to form relationships with local people who can give you so much more. It's also a lot easier to discuss problems and overcome disagreements if you're within driving distance of each other. The fact that you are falling out, to the extent that one or both of you want a break, is not a sign that you have a strong foundation to base years of waiting on. I know internet relationships can mean a great deal when a person is lonely or feels that their social opportunities are limited, but they can also distract you from making more of your immediate environment and pushing yourself to meet local people.

As for the argument itself, it's normal to have different opinions on any issue, but a healthy relationship allows for that difference. It shouldn't be cause for a break or a break-up if you see things differently to each other, and differences of opinion are not a justification for rudeness. It's also not part of a healthy relationship when one person simply refuses to talk about something that the other person feels is unresolved, or is causing them unhappiness. I'm sorry if it seems I have a downer on this relationship, but I do feel that it's not bringing you joy and will restrict you in many ways in the long term.

Name [Hugh] Age [21] Gender [M]

Before I ask, I must say I love what you are doing, so keep with it :) Now. for my question, I guess I will start with how I a gay male in his twenties is internally over-thinking everything! So with that in mind, I am having a problem with insecurity and sensitivity. I feel as though people (both friends and other gay men) are not correctly perceiving me in the way I'd like them to. I am vers, but prefer top. I am not feminine in anyway. I have been working out in order to buff up but I don't feel adequate. How can I change their outlook on me. Because normally I would not mind what others think, but recently I have not been attracting the 'right' men. I don't want to feed into the norm that men must be this way, we are all different I realize. But what I really want to figure out is how can I improve my insecurity and their beliefs, so that I can feel better all of this.

Thanks Hugh


Hi Hugh,

Attempting to control how other people perceive you and what they think about you will drive you mad. Simply, you can't. The way to a happy life is to do what feels right for you, not alter your behaviour to give other people what you think they want or expect of you. If you live like this, you're just an actor in a play and you're not being yourself. What a waste of energy and time that you could be spending living.

It doesn't matter how feminine or not you are or how big your arms are, and if your behaviour and muscle mass is important to someone else then let that be their wasted hours and not yours. Who are you and what do you want? What sort of man do you want to be with? What makes you feel inadequate? A healthy desire to improve yourself or a measure against other people? Are you being yourself or a caricature of what you want other people to think a gay man is? If you didn't care about what other people thought of you what decisions might you make about how you live your life? How freeing and exciting that could be.

It's not easy to quieten your mind when you're the sort of person who thinks and feels deeply, but it's important to identify unhelpful thoughts and put them in their right place: tell them they're not helpful and replace them with something positive i.e. discard 'I'm inadequate and I don't want my colleagues thinking I'm a camp gay man like all the others' and replace it with, 'I'm a good person. I'm unique. I don't have to representing a whole minority group with my decisions and behaviour. People will think what they will and I have no control over that. All I can do is live my life in the way I think is right and allow other people to make up their own minds about me.'

Go to the gym, and be selective about who you date - fine - but do it for you and nobody else. An hour spent doing something because you want to influence the thoughts of another person is an hour you could have spent doing something healthy, positive and progressive for yourself.

Name [Hinotai] Age [?] Gender [M]

Hi, Jason.

I'm Hinotai. Im actaully new to the BGIOK site and not really sure what to do on it but im figuring it out. I read i could email you but i might have misunderstood it and i have to put it on the thing. Either way im still emailing. So I'm a freshman in Highschool and there are alot of LGBT kids there. But i still feel different. It feels like I'm the only one unliked. I do admit its most likely the way i act and my personality 'cause i am pretty weird (in a good or bad way). But all the other people are care free and they dont care while im so shy and tightly closed in. I do get hyper and ill bust out with almost anything but then i feel even more different. I feel so much more mature but than again i feel so immature. This is getting off topic, sorry. SO, these guys who are in several of my classes are bullying me. They've touch my neck, hair, chest, and butt. I think it would help if i said i was male and gay. And I've told them i would report sexual harassment and i posted it to their friend on a chat room and they stopped but they keep starring at me. The flirt with me and i know they dont mean it so I know its because i like guys. People here seem to think gays are whores. Anyway the teachers have seen this and the most ive ever seen is them telling them to stop. I cant really tell the teachers due to past expiriences in Jr. High. And i am out. I really dont know what to do. Im already depressed from a break up and I've been biting and scratching myself anf once even cutting. I dont like counsilers and i especially hate face-to-face convos about stuff like this so i dont go to them. I'd rather not go to principals or any higher because id rather keep the situation under control instead of a whole scene. I hope i get a reply back. I know you're probably busy. By the way, I found some of the info on your site really helpful.

From Hinotai


Hi Hinotai,

You are being bullied and you need to ask for help. You've said you don't want to speak to a teacher and you've also ruled out counselling, but I think you know that you have problems that absolutely require external support.

A group of pupils are harassing you and this has to stop. Bullying takes many forms, but there's no doubt that you're a victim of it here. The teachers likely haven't done a lot about it because they don't know what's really going on or how serious it is. You have to let them know so that they can take steps to get it stopped - it's part of their job to provide a safe environment where each pupil can flourish. You can't, and shouldn't have to, handle this alone. My dedicated bullying section may help further.

You also can't deal with self-harm on your own, and it sounds like you would also benefit from talking about various issues around your confidence. Counselling can be very helpful. It's a blanket statement to say you don't like counsellors. Have you ever had counselling or met many counsellors? I've had counselling at various times in my life and found it beneficial, as have many people. A counselling session is the opportunity to explore your worries and problems confidentially, away from family and your usual circle of friends, and to get professional advice on dealing with issues in a healthy and positive way; changing negative patterns and habits that are preventing you from enjoying life as much as you could.

Ask for help and you may be surprised at how quickly things start to get better.

Name [Tjasa] Age [17] Gender [M]


My name is Tjasa. I'm 17 and I'm from Slovenia. This is a small
country in South of Europe. I also live in a very small town, where
people are very uptight and they don't accept people if they are
different in any sort of way.

I'm very supportive of gay people. I also think that being gay isn't a choice, it's something that you are born with. My (boy)friend who is against gay people, and I we had a fight the other night about whether he is right or I am. We were talking about gay people adopting children, and I said it's perfectly normal for gay people to adopt them, and if they are adopted is a good thing because they are nor with foster parents or in a orphenage. But he said that he would rather stay there. So I'm asking you this question (because in Slovenia, I don't think that any gay couple has adopted a child here so I'm realy not familiar with this), how is a child affected by
society if he has two dads or two moms. Well I think the society
should accept the fact that gay people want to have children, but not all people are suportive of this so how does the today's society affect them?

Oh, and another thing. Do you have anything good comebacks for
"stupid" people like he (my friend) is. I don't want to fight with him
anymore, I just want to actualy prove to him that gay is OK. I know that people have different opinions on things but this kind of
stupidity is just too much.

Thank you very much and please excuse the typing errors. This mail was sent to you over my blackberry so there might be quite a lot of them.

Greetings from Slovenia. :)



Hi Tjasa,

I have to admit that I don't have any real experience on the topic of adoption in general but I have met a gay couple in my home town who foster, and I think it's a wonderful thing. It's often said that the most important thing for a child is to be in an environment where he or she is love, and that the gender of those who offer that environment is irrelevant. I share this view completely. We need to focus on the welfare of children and not personal prejudices. This might be something you could say to your friend the next time he suggests that same-sex couples shouldn't be allowed to adopt.

I agree with you that it is better a child be adopted by a loving couple than to be in care or a temporary situation. In our modern world family can take many forms: single parents; a dad who stays at home while mum has a career; same-sex parents; grandparents taking over because the parents can't cope through illness for other reasons etc. Again, as long as a child has a loving, secure and supportive environment to grow in then it doesn't matter what gender the parents are.

Children don't become gay because they have gay parents; children learn to be good people people they have good people around them.

I imagine a child could potentially be teased for having same-sex parents, but this excuse for bullying should be treated in the same way as any other and dealt with swiftly by teachers. It would be awful that the only thing about having same sex parents that's worse than growing up in an opposite-sex household is the heightened potential for bullying beyond the walls of the family home

Name [Taelor] Age [14] Gender [F]

I spoke to a volunteer on a LGBT "help chat" quite recently (two or three weeks ago) and I got help coming to terms with how I feel. I came to the conclusion that I am leaning towards being a lesbian, which I was sorta excited for but of course scared too..last night as I was brushing my teeth I looked in the mirror and saw myself as a guy. I have been concerned, confused, and scared since then. To further worry me- in my dream I was a guy and there was a girl all of me. I just would really appreciate help. I have no desire to be a guy, a male's genitals disgust me, so why did I have a sort of transgender experience?


Hi Taelor,

You've said that you have no desire to be a man, so I would put transgender worries aside. This is a time of uncertainty for you and you're still working out who you are. This isn't unusual for a young person like yourself. It's also not unusual to become a little too focused on these issue and for the mind to conjure up quite radical and far-out ideas. I spend a lot of time in problem page replies trying to help people to find ways of taming their thinking patterns to be more helpful and less frightening or negative. You feel that you lean toward lesbianism and have no desire to change your gender: these are powerful statements about who you. While you feel confused and uncertain to an extent, you also have a good sense of how you feel and should use these statements as an anchor when you find yourself thinking off in strange or troubling directions that don't relate to your reality.

As for dreams, we have no control over those. I'm a gay man but have had dreams where I was with a woman, and others where I was a parent. I can vividly remember walking around a supermarket with my son and worrying about him straying too far from my sight. But I'm still a gay man who's not making babies! I'm not an expert, and while dreams are mysterious and not completely understood it's commonly felt that they are not literal statements about your present or future life. Outside of spiritual circles, dreams are often considered to be your brain having the freedom to do whatever it wants for a few hours without being constantly analysed and checked. It's normal for your everyday worries to shape your dreams, though not always in ways you'd expect. And we mostly dream an awful lot of complete nonsense!

Try to focus on what you know about yourself and how you feel today, not on dreams and random notions that have little or no basis. Practice recognising unhelpful and troubling thoughts and telling them to get lost.

Name [Alice] Age [11] Gender [F]

First of all I want to say thanks, because my family is super religious and I had no where to get this information from.
I know I like girls, but I don't know if I like boys. I find myself admiring from afar, because while I am attracted to them I can't be around them. I have an aversion to people, noise and talking, and light, but that isn't important. My fellow band geeks and the best guy friends a girl could ask for are only friends. Molly, my best friend (who doesn't know about my sexuality but I'm thinking about telling her) is pretty but I'm not attracted to her at all. That confuses me to no end. I don't have a very good sense of smell, so I guess I appreciate more when on one of my better days a girl or guy near me is wearing perfume or cologne. I love the smell of flowers, but I find the smell of cologne comforting, like my dad who is a tall male straight version of me. I could imagine myself with a guy or girl, but when I'm around them I want girls. I guess I find guys comfortable to be around, but I'd really rather kiss a girl. I do occasionally want to kiss a certain guy though. In the long run, I can't see myself with a man or woman, I don't have a fear of commitment, but I don't understand love.

When I was little I always had to tell a family member I love you when saying goodbye. I never really loved (and still don't) any of them. I feel sick because I still have to say it, even to my mom who I feel nothing for other than disgust. I'm a bit messed up in the head but you wouldn't be able to tell. I have always hid it. My family still doesn't know that some emotions I can't comprehend or feel, or that boys never had cooties but that doesn't matter so much. I guess what I need help with is my sexuality, and I really like guys clothes instead of girls, which scares me a little.



Hi Alice,

It sounds to me as though you are quite self-aware and a sensitive, thoughtful person, especially for someone so young. Although you're writing to me to talk about some things you don't understand, you actually know quite a lot about yourself.

It's important not to worry about what you don't feel or what you think you should feel, because you can't force emotions or responses to situations. Emotion is a very natural, spontaneous thing. We can decide how to behave, but we can't decide how to feel. So if you experienced anger, for example, but realised that you were being unfair or irrational, then you can decide not be behave in an angry way and try to calm down. You can't help that initial angry feeling but you can question that response and choose how to express yourself. You worry that you don't experience love for your family or that there are other feelings that you don't comprehend, but that doesn't mean that love and other feelings aren't a part of you.

You say that your mum disgusts you. This is a powerful and negative feeling that is bound to leave little room for a sense of love (though that doesn't mean it's not there underneath). Why do you feel this way toward her?

Try not to analyse your feelings and responses too much. Constant analysis makes it hard to see the truth of how a person is feeling i.e. you might feel happy because someone did something nice for you, but thinking over your feelings and behaviour can take any joy out of a happy moment.

I think things will make more sense with time. I know this isn't a definitive answer to your concerns, but there simply isn't one at the moment. Undertanding sexuality and getting to know yourself better takes time and can't be rushed or forced. Growing up is all about figuring out who you are and how you feel about all sorts of things. Be patient with yourself and always be honest about how you feel. It's okay to simply not know how you feel too. That will happen less as you get older.

Name [Lucy] Age [13] Gender [F]

Hey, my name is lucy and I know I'm probably a little young to be emailing this site but I don't know what to do? I'm unsure of my sexuality I mean I think I'm at least bi but I don't know how to deal with it. Some of the things I say to my friends I have noticed I'm almost hinting, I guess id rather them find out than have to say anything, I'm to scared to tell anyone and I don't know who to talk to I don't even know if it is weird to be feeling this way so young! But my friends. Some of them Anyway are the kinda people who couldn't deal with knowing someone gay and if I told them I think I'd loose them. Also many people say that being bisexual is not that big a deal as being gay, but in don't want to like girls, I can't stand the idea of giving people another reason to bully me.....
Anything you could say to help would be much appreciated as I'm not sure what else to do. Thanks x


Hi Lucy,

There's no rule when it comes to what age someone begins to think about their sexuality, and it's different for everyone. As Alice' email (above) demonstrates, I sometimes get emails from people as young as 11 with similar concerns to the ones that you have.

You seem to be conflicted: on the one hand you'd quite like people to work out that you might not be heterosexual, via your hints and their own intuition, saving you from having to face coming out, and on the other hand you don't want to be bisexual or lesbian. I think what you most want is to be accepted for who and what you are - whatever that may be - and to continue to enjoy the friends you have. I think this is pretty much what anyone wants.

If you are unsure of how you feel about girls then there's no need to make a statement to anyone about it for the moment. While I think that talking to a trusted friend can help a great deal, actually thinking of a coming out process while you're not completely sure of yourself seems premature. Wait until you think you know if you are bisexual or gay before giving other people a label to put on you.

Don't put any pressure or impose time limits on yourself. Things will become clearer with time, as your feelings become stronger and clearer, and you'll be in a much better position to tackle coming out.

Name [Loris] Age [17] Gender [F]

Hi Jason,

I recently came out to my mum. However, when I told her she said that she's unconvinced that I am gay and that I shouldn't broadcast it. I don't know what to do and I am 100% sure that I am gay.


Hi Loris,

It must have been disappointing to take the step to come out to your mum only to have her be dismissive. As someone who's almost 18 years old you're far from being a confused child and deserve to be taken seriously.

The fact that your mum said you shouldn't broadcast the news of your sexuality suggests to me that she's not comfortable with your news and doesn't want other people to know. But you're a young adult and want your sexuality to be acknowledged and accepted, as it should be, by those closest to you.

So you've hit a brick wall as it doesn't sound as though your mum has opened the door to discussion or possibility. My advice is to be patient with her. You may feel hurt and angry, but try not to react with these emotions at the forefront, and get into arguments. That won't help your mum to see a calm young adult who's succinctly stating the facts of her sexuality. Give her time and then raise the issue again. A good idea, when dealing with an awkward parent, is to wait until you have a girlfriend who you're serious about and want to introduce her to; it makes things more 'real' for the person who's resisting. It's hard to sweep your sexuality under the rug when you're bringing someone you love round for a cuppa.

Don't let this disappointing experience put you off coming out to other people in your life. You did a brave and assertive thing by telling your mum, so keep that positive momentum going. I hope you find the encouragement and support that you deserve in subsequent coming out attempts.

Name [IDONTEVENKNOW] Age [18] Gender [F]

Dear Jason,

I am terribly sorry if you do not like long and drawn out questions, but I tend to be a talker.

I am an 18 year old CHILD and I am literally freaking out. I have felt things for women since I was about 11, as this was the first time I ever kissed a girl-- and I liked it. a lot. But even tough I liked girls, I continued to date boys, I liked boys too. Lately though I have been thinking strongly about who I am and reflecting on my past and wonder if maybe I am not just bisexual, but rather, gay. My parents are very anti gay, more so my father than my mother as he is a head strong catholic and feels that homosexuality is just "unnatural".. my mom is coming around and isn't AS harsh due to the fact that homosexuality is EVERYWHERE haha she is getting used to her surroundings I guess.. but they have always taught me that the norm was a man, a wife, kids, a nice house.. etc. so getting back to the boys thing I thought maybe I dated boys because I wanted to have a normal life for the sake of my parents, you know? I love my parents! my mom is my best friend and my dad, well, he's my dad... I just want to make them proud..

I don't even know what I'm trying to ask you..
I feel like I'm scared of being GAY.. they know I've experimented with girls (like once as far as they know) and that was bad enough-- they looked at me like I was sick.. like I was something to pitty.. It felt like they were ripping my heart out.

But while I have had sex with both men and women and somewhat enjoyed both, I have only felt what seemed to be love with one person, and that was a woman.. she completely changed my view on life.. I used to picture myself walking down the isle towards a man, now I'm not so sure that's really what I want. I used to picture myself married to a man with a brude of kids and a nice home.. now, not so sure. I feel like the only way I can truly be happy is with a woman but if I am with a woman my parents will be unhappy, and then I WON'T turly be happy.. but if I'm with a man, I'm settling for my parents, which isn't fair to me or the man I am with.

Please, I seriously feel like over dosing on a bottle of zanax my mind is so completely upside down right now.. I just want to curl up in a ball and scream until I lose my voice. :/




You are focused on what your parents will think of the decisions you make around your sexuality, and this means your feelings and wants are being throttled. Not feeling that you have the freedom to be whatever you need to be is making you feel frustrated, stressed and trapped.

But you can't base decisions around your happiness on what's best for other people - even those closest to you. It may make your parents happy if their daughter is heterosexual and keen to leap down the aisle with a man, but fulfilling someone else's dream by pretending to be someone that you're not is a hollow and lonely way to live. Having said that, it doesn't sound as though you are completely sure where your sexuality lies, so it would be premature to rule out the possibility that what you end up wanting is exactly what your parents hope for. But your hopes and theirs should only ever match by coincidence, not by force or design.

No amount of worrying about what your parents want will help you to decide whether you are bisexual or gay; you need time and a calm head for that. They will simply have to accept your sexuality, like everyone else. It's not within your control or theirs. A homophobic parent never stopped a gay child from being gay by kicking off about it: they just created obstacles to their child being happy.

You'll be whatever you're supposed to be, and no amount of worry will help. Be kind to yourself by saying it's okay to not consider other people's feelings on your sexuality, and instead focus on how you feel as you make sense of it. Unless you feel a desperate urge to tell your parents you might be gay, just leave coming out until you have a stronger sense of where your sexuality lies. No time-limits, no pressure. Remember, the pressure is coming from within you, and your parents likely have little idea of what you're going through.

You can only be truly happy by being honest with yourself and seeking that which makes you happy. Life's a miserable place when we let others shape and restrict us to fit their dreams.

Name [Anonymous] Age [?] Gender [?]

I am Bisexual, and I have not come out to anyone yet. I have emailed questions on "coming out" to other websites, and have received ZERO replies. I am hoping that my experience with this website will be different. I know that I have to come out in my own time, but what I don't know is WHO I should come out to first. My sister is someone that I often confide in. Unfortunately, she doesn't believe that bisexuality is an existing sexual orientation. My dad is good about talking about sex with my sibbs and I, but he doesn't like that we think homosexuality is right, so I don't think he'd be able to accept my bisexuality. I don't know whether I should confide in my mom first, or come out to my best friend (who is like one of the family). Maybe I could come out to my Gram (she is ok with homosexuality, so why not bi? Then again, she'd probably say that I might be too young to know for sure)? I don't know. I need advice!


Hi M-Kay,

In defence of other websites - that may or may not have a dedicated problem page or someone on hand to reply to advice or support requests - they/we get a lot of general coming out queries, asking questions similar to yours. If I have a lot of emails to reply to, as I often do, I try to prioritise enquiries that involve issues not covered in the main site. Perhaps other websites have a similar approach, though I can't remember ever seeing another gay youth website with an active advice section like bgiok (but enough bragging!). I've written a special section on coming out. It's a good place to start. You may also find the bisexuality page useful.

As you seem to suspect, everyone will react differently to your coming out and not everyone will react the way you may have assumed. People can have strange ideas about homosexuality and bisexuality and what they mean, so often part of coming out is clearing up those misconceptions.

You are the best judge of how each person may react, but people can be unpredictable. Back when I was 16 and began coming out, I found that people who I assumed were a touch homophobic turned out to be absolutely fine, while others I thought would be fine went very quiet and slowly drifted out of my life. But a lot of the time my guesses were fairly accurate. The simple fact is that eventually you'll want to be open about your sexuality and any future partners you have with everyone in your life, so it's not really a case of only coming out to people you think will be supportive. Part of coming out is about dealing with those who have issues with the news, and it's impossible, long term, to avoid that side of things.

Certainly start off by speaking to the person - or people - you think is most likely to be supportive, and take it from there. It's a lot easier to deal with someone who's difficult or negative when you already have a few people on your side.

Name [Lily] Age [17] Gender [F]

Hi, my name's Lily and I live in a country where people are very close-minded. When I was 14 I started to have feelings for a girl from my class. At the beginning it didn't even occur to me that I could be a lesbian at all. But last year I started to date a lot, all of them guys. I went out with a boy for three months but I didn't feel anything for him and when he gave me an excuse I dumped him, mostly because he was using me. But I was kind of using him too, to get over the girl I mentioned before and I almost had sex with him, even though I felt nothing for the guy.

I've been ignoring my feelings for almost 3 years now and started drinking at parties everytime I saw her with someone else, or even when she didn't go and it never ended well. Once I made out with a friend's cousin while I was drunk and the whole school found out.

I still have a crush on that girl, really care for her, and sometimes I think she might feel the same, but I'm too afraid to say anything. It scares the shit out of me if people at school found out and none of my friends or my parents know either.

It also scares me that I've also considered self-harm, but yet again didn't do it because I wouldn't be able to handle the looks and whispers behind my back. That's why I drink.

I'm seriously considering about finishing school and go and live at some other country where people are more accepting. But my parents are running out of money and we couldn't even afford a trip to the US.

But anyways, I don't picture myself with a guy. I used to, but I'm not sure that's what I want now. I feel more attracted to girls than boys and now that I think about it, I've never really liked one so much as I like this girl.

I guess that my question is, what should I do? Should I tell my friends? I know my best friend will support me, or at least I think so, but what if she never sees me the same way again?


Hi Lily,

If you think you no longer have control over your drinking please talk to a doctor. You don't necessarily have to reveal the reasons why you began drinking to excess in order to get help with addiction. In the Long-term, though, it would make a massive difference to your wellbeing to open up about your worries and perhaps some counselling may be available via your doctor that could provide a safe environment for you to do this. It's hard for me to guess because it sounds as though you are not UK-based.

Your self-destructive urges and behaviour are an outlet for your frustration and negative feelings. It's hard work to keep these powerful feelings locked away and to not reveal them to anyone. Nobody knows the pain you feel when you see the girl you like having a good time at a party. It's lonely and tough. But you need to find healthy ways of dealing with your pain.

There's always risk involved in coming out, but it seems like a good idea to talk to your best friend, especially since you suspect she will be supportive. Opening up about your situation will help you cope and provide an outlet for the frustrations that usually result in drinking or thoughts of self-harm. It's also essential that you don't get into romantic and sexual relationships with people that you don't have those feelings for. It's not fair on either parties.

Your best friend may view you differently, but that doesn't necessarily mean it'll be in a negative way. She may view you as a brave young adult who knows what she is and has the courage to speak about it in an environment that isn't embracing of difference. She may respect you in a new way. She's your best friend for a reason, after all, so you probably couldn't find a coming out situation that's more likely to go well.