Problem page archive entries:
June 2012

Name [Vato] Age [29] Gender [M]

Hi, ive been feeling a little down lately, i have been in a wonderful relationship for 8 months, i am 29 and he is 33. But we've been talking more and more lately about our lives,my first real sexual experience was when i was 24, ive always felt bad about this because i have always been a very sexual person and i have always known i was gay but, it was really hard for me because i was really shy and afraid of being intimate with another man. My bf has been sexually active since he was 14 and he looks like a prince from a fairy tail, he is so beautiful and it makes me feel bad about myself that i know that he has been with over 300 sexual partners and i have only been with about 25. I think his life is better than mine because he was doing really young what i always wanted to do instead of playing video games. I feel sorry for myself and i feel bad knowing that he had the courage to go out with older men when he was a teenager, even though he has always been in one on one sex and ive got the opportunity to be in threesomes and in foursomes i still feel so bad that i didn't get to do that and now i feel sorry for myself and not good enough for him, he loves me really bad, he tells me he just loved once before and he was too young and that he wants to marry me and be with me my whole life but i feel a pain inside and when we are intimate i picture him with other men, young, cute, i feel i missed my youth and that he didn't and that so many men could enjoy my bfs prime years, please help me, i am afraid this pain won't go away and that i might hurt our relationship!


Hi Vato,

I think it's a shame that a lot of people think they have missed out if they haven't slept around in their teens. I remember being told by many adults to 'have fun' before settling down. These expectations can play on a young person's mind and see them questioning themselves if they don't treat sex casually. It sounds as though you have met a wonderful person who makes you happy, but you're haunted by this idea that you haven't lived because you haven't slept with as many people as he has or tried certain sexual experiences. You obviously can't go back in time and be a promiscuous teenager, but I think the problem here isn't a lack of time travel equipment: it's your current outlook.

You are an individual who's had unique experiences that have influenced your character and how you've chosen to conduct yourself. When you were younger you were enjoying videogames and other activities, like many young people. You pursued your own interests and did what felt right to you. in that, you did exactly what anyone should do. I'm sure sex was on your mind as much as anyones, but you simply didn't channel all your energies into amassing a collection of hundreds of sexual experiences. You were a shy person who couldn't or wouldn't treat sex in the same casual way as some other people may have. You're not unusual for that. If it makes you feel better, I have never met anyone who at 33 has slept with anywhere near 300 partners. That is an unusually high number and I'd say 25 is more common for an individual who spends some time actually standing up!

Life is not a checklist of things you must do. Life is about doing what feels good and right for you, even if that seems unusual or different to other people. Your partner has had a sexually busy past. That worked for him and his personality. You have slept with a smaller group of people, and this suited you and what you wanted and needed. Regardless of the paths you have both followed in the past you have found each other and are sharing this moment and making new rules.

You have a choice: you leave the past behind and enjoy what you have today or you beat yourself up over things you feel you didn't do or experiences you didn't have in the past. You lose yourself in jealousy and doubt, thinking about the men your boyfriend has been with. The relationship won't thrive if you're torturing yourself with things that no longer matter. Remember: 300 men and he's in love with you. If you think he's seen and done it all, then what a compliment that he wants you. Do you really think flailing about for an hour with a group sex experience is worth losing your lover over?

If you're happy with this man then leave the past behind, trust him and enjoy it. But if you truly want to sleep around - because it's a real need and not just a box to tick - then let him go. I reckon that would be a real shame though. For some people it takes 300 to find their perfect partner.

Name [Sam] Age [15] Gender [M]

Hey, I don't really know if you can help me here. :P

My problem:

I don't know how to say this to be honest.... If it doesn't make sense, just ignore it. :)

So anyway, with any partners I have had in the past, I have felt that it's necessary to tell them that if they find a person that they'll be happier with, that they don't need to worry about my feelings and I'd like them to be happy - not much by itself, but there's more.

I also get really paranoid that the person is only dating me because they want to go back to their friends and laugh about me believing them that they actually want to go out with me because I find it almost impossible to understand why a person would want to be with me.

I'm not a very in-touch-with-my-feelings type person, because most of my bad feelings go away very quickly as I make an effort to get over them. But my lack of confidence worries me, because I don't know if I could be in a serious relationship because of the two reasons I gave.

Any help would be greatly appreciated! :)


Hi Sam,

Your lack of confidence and self-worth are the issues here. Valuing yourself more is the key to being able to accept love, expect respect and to be able to enjoy relationships fully.

It's sad that you give your partners an escape clause when you enter into a relationship with them, putting your own feelings and needs so far down on the list that they're hanging off the edge. Do you think that escaping to someone 'better' is what's on their mind when they become your partner? It would be a pretty shitty person who treated people so disposably and invested so little. Are your partners shitty people? If so, why bother getting involved with them? I suspect your partners aren't bad people, but you give them permission to be because you don't think you're worth sticking with. I think that anyone getting involved with you does so because you make them feel good; they are attracted to you and you make them happy.

Have you ever had an experience where someone was faking romantic feelings toward you in order to make a joke for their friends? If this has never happened to you, why do you think it might? Again, it's a pretty rotten and cruel person who'd go this far for a 'laugh'. You're either surrounded by a nasty bunch or you're caught up in fears and insecurities that exist only in your mind. That doesn't mean that you are bonkers. It just means that you are insecure and lacking confidence. Many people are held back by these kinds of thinking patterns, in love and beyond, but you can challenge and change them.

You can begin to feel better about yourself by first being realistic about your relationships and what's actually taken or is taking place. In other words: focus on the facts. So instead of thinking that someone you like could only be interested in you because they want to be cruel, take their interest at face value. So you might think to yourself, 'He said he likes me and wants to go out with me' instead of 'I can't believe he's keen on me. He must be making fun'. If you don't have any evidence to back up your suspicious and negative thoughts, then chuck them out. It's not helping you or making you feel good to think that way. Whenever you're feeling insecure or tempted to think less of yourself than you should, focus on the facts of how people treat you and what you know about yourself.

Longer term, you will gain confidence as you get older, as a natural part of facing life's challenges, but it's important that you help yourself along. You are a good person who deserves good things to happen to you - just like anyone else. Nobody is saying that you aren't worth much but you.

Name [John] Age [19] Gender [M]

Um, this is kinda awkward but I've been doing some research and have received some mixed messages about the whole anal sex thing. Is it odd that I just don't find the thought of it erotic and I find more scary: the possibility of immense embarrassment that could ensue and all? and will other gay guys see it a turn off?


Hi John,

Penetrative sex isn't everyone's cup of tea, though it does seem to be the thing that pops into a lot of peoples' minds when defining gay men and what they're all about.

In a healthy relationship nothing is compulsory in the bedroom. That goes for any couple.

It's a lot easier to negotiate what you want in the bedroom with an ongoing partner who you are comfortable with. If you're the sort of person who enjoys casual sex then things can be tricky if there are certain expectations on the part of the person you're taking home, and it's hard to tell what someone has on their mind when you've only just met them. But that's a matter of common sense and accepting that sometimes your expectations and those of the people you get close to may be different.

Yes, absolutely someone might find it a turn-off that you don't want to do certain things, but someone else won't care. That's life; that's people all over. Needless to say, a decent chap who cares about you won't pressure you into something you don't want to do and there's no reason you can't have fun within the bounds of what you're comfortable with. You may even find that, with the right person, you're happy to explore and try things you hadn't previously considered. The most anyone can ask of you is to be open minded.

Having said that, long term relationships can suffer if either partners' sexual needs are neglected. For example, if a partner enjoyed penetrative sex and felt it was an important part of his identity, then it would be a problem if the other partner was absolutely certain that they never wanted to explore that. But this isn't a shocking revelation I'm making here and, again, chosen sexual activities are about negotiation and being with the right person.

I also cover the anal sex myth in the myths section.

Name [Mike] Age [22] Gender [M]

I'm 22 and still a virgin. I've been out and proud for a good 3 years now. I've kissed loads of lads in clubs but never took it any further. Also the fact i'm now 22 and still a virgin is scary. Because of my age if i pull someone in a club and had sex with them i'd feel i was letting them down and be a laughing stock as i'm so inexperienced for my age!! People who i pull would just expect me to be good in bed because i'm 22 not 16!!


Hi Mike,

For several reasons, I don't think you should worry about what a stranger in a club might think of your sexual skills:

  • Everyone has a first time, including the person you choose to sleep with first.
  • Most people aren't superhuman sexual athletes and masters of all carnal arts. People work things out as they move through life, getting better and learning all the time.
  • Bad sex with one person doesn't mean you're bad in bed. Confidence, experience and chemistry all play a part.
  • It takes two people to create good sex.
  • Sex isn't a test and you don't have to aim for a perfect score. It can be clumsy and daft, but that doesn't have to diminish the fun.
  • The person you lose your virginity to might not be very experienced or, even if they are, not necessarily going to be a great time in bed.
  • The amount of sexual partners, and sex, a person has had doesn't necessarily correspond to their sexual confidence and abilities.
  • Someone who's had a lot of practice can still be lazy, selfish and unimaginative in bed.
  • If someone has taken you home because they find you attractive and want to have sex with you then it's safe to assume that they want things to go well and won't be on the lookout for 'mistakes'.
  • Plenty of people are virgins in their 20s, and sometimes beyond, and plenty of people who lose their virginity when very young regret it. You only get to make this decision once so use those extra years of life experience to inform a wiser decision.

Don't think of your virginity in terms of a timer ticking on mercilessly. You'll only end up making bad choices about men. Iif you want your first time to be with someone who knows and cares for you then you'll have to play things a little differently and not sleep with someone you've met that evening.

Ultimately, whether you hold out for a boyfriend or go home with someone after a night out, your first time is going to be a bit scary and there's no way around those initial nerves. I think it's a good idea to come clean with whoever the chosen man is and tell him that you haven't had sex before. This immediately takes the pressure off you to be an expert and you may even find that the guy finds it refreshing and even sexy.