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Hi Jannie,

Counselling is confidential. You don't have to worry about your parents being debriefed after each session or getting some kind of list of issues that were discussed. Your counsellor won't tell your family that you have said you might be lesbian. This would make a joke of counselling for young people and, worse, put many at risk.

However, there are circumstances where a counsellor may break confidentiality, such as when the counsellor believes their client is a risk of causing serious harm to themselves or to others. When we talk about 'serious harm' to oneself we're really talking about suicide; and a very real and immediate risk at that. So I doubt that a counsellor would break confidentiality over a long term case of non life threatening self harm, nor go into the reasons why you feel you do it. You'd be going to the counsellor to talk about why you self harm and to learn to manage your problems and negative feelings so that you can move away from using it as a coping mechanism. The counsellor will have met many young people who have self-harmed and she or he won't be alarmed by it.

If you are still worried then don't be afraid to ask the counsellor about confidentiality. It's likely the counsellor will introduce your first session by outlining these practices anyway.

Don't hold back from opening up and making the most of this service. It could help a great deal. I've had counselling at various times in my life and believe it can help people break negative thinking habits; gain confidence; deal with painful events that are holding them back; and learn to get more out of life. Embrace it.

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Hi Lee,

I'm so sorry that you have such a terrible time in school. It's very painful to face bullying on a daily basis and even more so when you don't have the support of your friends. I suspect they're just trying to stay out of the firing line so that they don't get attention from the bullies themselves, but that's not much help to you.

I've written a lot on bullying in the dedicated section here. This talks you through what you can do to get the bullying stopped and also how to tackle the tricky issue of keeping your sexuality hidden while taking action against homophobic bullies. Please take the time to read it.

I was bullied badly in school when I was your age and I let it go on for years. If I could do things over again I'd speak to someone much sooner because once I did the bullying halted overnight. Be brave, speak up and take control back from these bullies. Life can – and should – be peaceful, fun and free from fear.

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Hi SilentCanada,

Anyone's mental health would suffer if they were living with people who didn't accept them or who tried to control them. It's not a healthy environment or one that fosters peace, support and love.

You're miserable at home but you don't want to move out because you don't want to hurt your parents feelings. This speaks volumes about what a caring and considerate person you are but doesn't speak massively of logical thinking and self preservation (sorry!). Your parents aren't showing a great deal of regard for your feelings or health, so it seems very self punishing to endure whatever they do because you don't want to upset them. Your health is suffering and it's time to think of your own needs.

If you have somewhere else to stay, then I'd give some serious thought to taking it. Of course, there are finances to consider: do you have enough money to live away, to complete your studies and to finance your next steps (i.e. is there funding in place for college or for other training you might want, or are you going to get a job after school?).

If you really can't afford to live away from home just yet then it's important to come up with some ways of managing the negative environment you live in and to protect your mental health. Consider these points and suggestions:

• It's only one year. In the grand scheme of things it's not a long time.
• Make plans for the future. By thinking beyond your current situation you are giving yourself clear and positive goals to aim for. Maybe you're going to share a house with a friend, get your own place or take a trip somewhere. Perhaps you're excited about a future career or further studies. Making plans gives you a purpose and something positive to hold onto when you're feeling low or things are particularly tense with family members.
• Being gay is okay! Your parents have a bad attitude about your sexuality but there's nothing wrong with being gay. Thousands and thousands of people are just like you. You simply asked to be accepted for what you are and you've been let down. You're not at fault here and you didn't create the negative environment at home. Your parents did. They chose to behave a certain way, but you didn't choose to be gay. Don't become a victim or a villain in this situation – you're neither.
• Since you can't open up about how you feel to your parents you'd likely find the opportunity to speak to a counsellor very beneficial. Counsellors (or therapists) offer advice, guidance and listening. Counselling can be an opportunity to vent; to work out better ways of dealing with things; to break negative thinking habits that hold you back; to process and make sense of painful things that have happened etc. Anything you tell a counsellor is confidential.
• Spend time away from the home if it's unpleasant to be there. Do an evening class or take up a hobby and use the next 12 months to learn some new skills. Spend time with friends and enjoy the calm that their homes have to offer. Ease the pressure by getting out and about.
• Don't get into arguments with your parents. Try to manage your anger and speak calmly, at an even volume, if someone is looking for a row. Arguments about sexuality are pointless because you can't change being gay. They are just a way for your parents to let off steam and express their issues. Sometimes it's best to remove yourself and go for a walk if things get too heated. Young gay people often have to be the grown ups.
• Look after yourself by eating properly and getting some regular exercise. Simply eating more fruit, vegetables and wholegrain foods (wholemeal bread, oats, seeds etc.) and doing some walking will lift your mood. Eating badly, skipping meals and loafing around will make you feel sluggish and depressed. People forget that the mind is part of the body and that it's not just external events that affect mood and mental wellbeing.
• You are 18 so see your boyfriend! If your parents have given you no choice but to be secretive about it, then so be it. The support of a partner could be very helpful over the next year. On the other hand, any guy who runs a mile because you have problems isn't worth your time. It's important to work on being strong and independent, whether you have a shoulder to lean on or not.

Your parents might change their behaviour and attitude over time, so don't give up on them. Be patient, calm and reasonable as much as you can. But it's clear that at the moment their priorities are not on making a happy, supportive and accepting home environment. Focus on protecting yourself and making your daily life at home as manageable as possible.

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Hi Martin,

Nobody is born with feelings of guilt and embarrassment around sex. These feelings are introduced to us by family, friends, school, church etc. We're also taught, though not necessarily directly, that being homosexual or bisexual isn't normal or as valid as being heterosexual, or even that it's wrong or bad to have same-sex relationships. It's no wonder that by the time someone gets to the age where they actually have sex there's all sorts of baggage being brought into the bedroom and spoiling what should be one of life's greatest experiences.

You feel aroused by and enjoy gay porn, but once the moment is over you feel guilty. Not because same-sex activity is wrong, but because you're not completely comfortable with the idea of your enjoyment of it.

On a positive note you are brave enough to admit that you enjoy this imagery, and you want to understand your sexuality rather than run from it.

It's safe to say that there's a significant part of you that is quite keen on the idea of two men together, and I think it's unlikely that you are a completely heterosexual man who just happens to like mostly gay porn. It just wouldn't add up. Based on what you've told me I would suggest that you are a bisexual man, but it's important to be honest with yourself about your feelings for women and your motivation for being with them in the past i.e. because you found a woman a turn on or because you thought you should.

Feelings of guilt around same-sex desire put up walls that prevent you from exploring those feelings or letting a man get close to you. It's important for your well-being and happiness that those walls start to come down and for you to see that a same-sex experience is as healthy as an opposite-sex one. If you can begin to see either being with a man or woman as equally valid then you can concentrate on what and who you want, and not focus on a potential partner's gender. It's a great shame to miss out on good experiences because of needless guilt and bias about same-sex relationships.

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Hi Boston,

Not everyone worships the skinny teen. It's amazing that in a country where two thirds of it's people are overweight that the pervading image in the media is skinny, and that people end up feeling inadequate for not adhering to this. Obviously, being overweight is a real health issue and it's a good idea to slim down for health reasons alone. This can be done by eating less processed foods; eating more fruit and vegetables and wholegrains foods; and introducing regular exercise into your weekly routine. Losing weight will dramatically decrease your chances of become diabetic, getting heart desease and some cancers. Being very big can also impact on your mobility and overall quality of life. Still, it's also completely valid to decide that you are quite happy being a bit bigger than that skinny person on the billboard. Being bigger doesn't mean you can't find a partner. I bet every one of your friends has something about their body that they would change if they could, or has some kind of hang-up that seems like a major issue to them but not a big deal to others. It seems that nobody is ever completely happy with the body they were born with and beside being able to gain and lose weight, there's not a lot we can do to change the basic building blocks. It's a good idea, in order to have a happier life, to be able to accept who you are.

Once you do you'll also notice that people find different things attractive in others. Some guys like bigger men. In the UK bigger men are celebrated in some circles, with special nightclubs and events catering to larger men and those who find them attractive. Not that you have to seek out a special appreciation society to find a boyfriend; you'll meet many people as you move through life and not all of them will be skinny-obsessed. Of course physical attraction matters, but I used to be very overweight and I had a boyfriend who loved my body, and my size didn't stop me having an enjoyable sex life with him. There's no reason that this can't happen for you.

Decide what you want to do about your weight and do think about the health benefits of slimming down a bit. But also remember that being big doesn't mean that you can't find a man who adores you. Confidence and self belief are key, no matter what size you are.

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Hi Jess,

It sounds to me as though you have strong feelings for your girlfriend, but you also have one foot out the door. This doesn't make you a bad person at all. You might care for her, or even love her, but it's clear that you have other needs that are pulling you in another direction. You may find that this just isn't the right time for you to be settling into a monogamous relationship (i.e. being with one person). Some people prefer to keep their options open and to have experiences with several people, while others get into committed relationships and stay in them for long periods of time. However, what a person wants romantically and sexually isn't set in stone for life and you'll also likely experience change and different wants based on who you meet, how they make you feel and where you're at in life.

I should also point out that maybe your girlfriend just isn't the one for you. She isn't interesting you all that much sexually and your itching to explore other avenues. Perhaps, like many people, you will someday meet someone who makes you want to give up your sexual freedom in exchange for a loving and committed relationship, and it won't feel like a sacrifice because you'd be completely happy, fulfilled and in love.

It will be painful for your girlfriend to hear that it's over, but the only fair way to move forward is to end your current relationship and address the needs that are clearly very powerful and occupying your thoughts. As long as you conduct yourself in a respectful and honest way then there's nothing wrong with having a more casual approach to relationships while it suits you and the other people involved.

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Hi Amy,

I'd like to know where your Mum has seen evidence that same-sex relationships are less successful than heterosexual ones, that they don't last and that gay people have lonely lives. You've only got to look at the divorce rates to see that straight people haven't got all the answers. I have friends who've been together for years, and any relationships I've had that haven't worked out had nothing to do with the fact that we were two men.

Relationships are about the people in them – not the sexuality of the couple. Some people work out and some don't, but to say that same-sex couples are predisposed to failure just isn't true. Still, not only do gay people have all the usual hiccups and bumps in the road that straight couples face, but often they also have to face prejudice about their union from family and beyond. This can put a massive dose of extra pressure and stress on a relationship that can push it to the limits. Compared to a straight couple, who's union is celebrated and embraced, gay couples can face an uphill struggle the moment they start seeing each other. In a society that puts great value in heterosexual marriage and the production of children, even those gay couples who don't face outright homophobia may have this vague sense of being inadequate and not 'as good' as a straight couple. This is a real shame because love and commitment are wonderful things that go beyond gender and sexuality and should be universally celebrated.

So I have to disagree with your Mum and her ideas on gay relationships. While life partners don't fall out of trees, regardless of whether you are gay or straight, there's absolutely no reason why you can't find someone to spend your life with and be very happy. Don't let other people devalue that union simply because of the gender of the people sharing it.

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I don't think it's stupid at all. People self-harm as a way of coping with difficult feelings, but it is dangerous. It's important to be able to tackle your immediate problems in a better way, as well as learn to cope with and find a non-destructive outlet for difficult emotions as you move through life.

As your parents are aware of the problem they should have already taken you to doctor who would likely have referred you to a counsellor to speak about your problems. If this isn't the case then please make an appointment with your doctor.

Please read my self-harm page for more information about self-harm and advice on moving forward.

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Hi Taylor,

Being with a man doesn't mean that you have to have penetrative sex, nor does an aversion to it mean that you can't be close to a man. Not all gay or bisexual men enjoy that activity and it's okay to say no. People like different things and nothing is compulsory between any couple in the bedroom. You will find that when you are very attracted to someone – male or female - and have strong feelings for them that sex will feel right and natural, whatever form you both decide it should take. Don't worry about particular sexual acts and instead focus on whether you like a person enough to begin a relationship in the first place.

Please read the 'All gay men have anal sex' myth on the myths and stereotypes page.

Sex between anyone in the UK is illegal under the age of 16.

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Hi Danny,

Firstly, please speak to someone about your suicidal thoughts. 'Samaritans provides confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day for people who are experiencing feelings of distress or despair, including those which could lead to suicide.'

Is there a teacher or school counsellor you could talk to? What about a relative who doesn't share the homophobic attitudes you've found in the family home? What about considering coming out to a close friend, or do you feel that every one of them would react badly? It's understandable that you've come to expect the worst from people, when you're surrounded by anti-gay sentiment, but perhaps someone in your life is worth taking a chance on. It's also worth remembering that stress and unhappiness you are feeling by hiding your sexuality may skew reality i.e. people might not react as badly as you've worked yourself up to think. A lot of people make flippant and thoughtless remarks that aren't necessarily malicious in intent. While such comments are not acceptable, the people around you may be completely unaware that their comments are hurting you. What they say may not necessarily reflect any true homophobic intent.

Remember that you are a young adult at 18 years old and have control of your life and where it might lead you. If things are unbearable at home you might think about branching out on your own. Perhaps you want to move away to study, or perhaps this is simply a good time to rent a place on your own, share a house with friends, or rent a room or bedsit. Being financially independent is important because that allows you the freedom to come out without worrying about any drastic action by your family, such as refusing to help you with money. If you feel so strongly that your family would react badly to you being gay then it seems that you need to break out of that trapped and helplessness of the home environment and make a begin to build resources of your own. With that change will come a new confidence and independence, and relieve a lot of your current pressures. Being out on your own also gives you the space to explore your sexuality and try to establish some gay friends or even find a partner. This won't happen overnight, and you clearly feel badly about being gay due to negative input from others. Please read the material on this website to get ideas about how to start to feel better about who you are. The FAQ is a good place to start. Lots of people are gay or bisexual and it's completely normal. It's only the bigotry of others that prevent some gay people from leading happy and fulfilled lives. Your negative feelings about your sexuality aren't a reflection of being gay itself, but of the influences around you. You can find peace with who you are, but it doesn't sound as though you can begin to grow in a positive and new direction by sitting at home and listening to homophobic comments every day. It's time to take some action to change things.

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Hi Aly,

Labels are comforting for most people because they put a big definitive sticker on things that helps us to make sense of the world around us. People feel safe with the idea of straight or gay because it leaves no grey area or source of confusion. In reality, though, many people don't feel that they fit snugly inside these tags. I describe myself as a gay man, but have always said that sexuality is not black and white. While I have never found a woman sexually attractive, I don't rule out the possibility of it ever happening. I think it's unlikely to! But I doubt that anyone is truly 100% gay or straight. When it comes to bisexuality many report that they lean more toward one sex or the other so there's no neat and tidy percentage there either.

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone. You only have to say that you are in love with this woman. Straight people don't have to justify their sexuality when they bring a new partner home to meet the folks. If someone is cheeky or invasive enough to delve further than the fact that you have a female partner, you might tell them that you simply fell for this woman and are very happy, and that there isn't a convenient label for you. I can imagine that you get tired of explaining to people that you can be happy with a woman without identifying as a full-blown 100% lesbian. Maybe it's time to just tell people that their probing is rude and that you wouldn't undermine or question their romances.

As for family, I expect you know that this situation isn't unique. I often hear from people who are quite happy being in a same-sex relationship but have a potentially explosive reaction waiting at home if the news gets out. So don't tell them! Your Dad and your partner's parents have made it very clear that they don't accept same-sex relationships and that their love is conditional on you both being straight. It's utterly unacceptable and tragic, and the atmosphere of secrecy and lies that this attitude encourages means they're losing out on better relationships with their children. But you're 18 and are clearly able to conduct your relationship despite this backdrop, so carry on and be happy. The parents have given you no choice but to conceal the true nature of the relationship in order to have a pleasant existence, and you're not doing anything wrong. You say yourself that you're happier than you've been in a while, so carry on being happy! Think about the future and how you might make it easier to be together without the stresses of home. Perhaps someday you'll get a place together. Even if just one of you has a place outside of the family home then the other can visit and you can both enjoy the privacy and freedom that brings. Of course one day you might both want to come clean, but it sounds sensible that you are both financially independent and settled in your own home(s) before you do. It's a no-brainer that telling your Mum at any time is a safe thing to do, as long as she isn't likely to call up your Dad or other relatives and share the news.

Take each day as it comes. Don't justify yourself to anyone. Enjoy this special thing that you've found and work to protect it. Look to the future.

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Hi Random,

Coming out to family is a very personal choice. Only you can decide if it's an essential thing to do, but how essential is it that you don't have to lie about that man you're living with, or explain why you haven't met that special girl yet at every family get-together, or keep certain gay friends away from Dad because they might give the game away etc. etc. You might not get the reaction that you want from everyone if you come out, but it means freedom from lies and cover-ups that can make life for yourself and a future partner intolerable. Still, if you move far enough away this might not be much of a problem – unless they want to visit – but it does seem very sad to create such distance when there's even a chance that your family might actually be okay about things or come around. We all want the love and support of family and it works both ways. Switching the channel when gay people come on the TV doesn't mean your family are ready to form an anti-gay protest march, so give this some thought. Read my coming out section for more.

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Hi Mat­as,

As human beings we respond to sexual imagery. I remember seeing a documentary once where gay pornography was shown to straight men and many of these men showed signs of arousal. It works the other way too, with some gay people enjoying heterosexual porn, whether that's because enjoy watching the man in this different context, or perhaps they also enjoy seeing the woman. Arousel when watching porn isn't necessarily a statement of sexuality, but just the body responding to sex. You might even find that lesbian porn is a turn on! Simply, the act of two people being convincingly turned on by each other and having a good time in bed is sexy, and people without hang-ups might enjoy various kinds of sexual imagery.

A truer indication of your sexuality is better found away from the DVD player. Who do you look at when you are in town? Do you find sexy men appealing, or do you look with desire at women? Maybe both? I know that I am gay because I find men sexy, and I notice good looking men when I'm outside the home. On a hot day when guys have their tops off on the beach, there is absolutely no doubt! I just don't notice women in a sexual way at all, though I do notice beautiful women because it's a pleasant experience to look at someone beautiful. I know matters aren't as clean-cut for everyone, so just see how you feel about people as you go about your daily life. You'll notice who you are attracted to if you just allow these feelings to form without stress or trying to force them. Give yourself time.

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Hi Allie,

I think it's very sad that even gay people aren't accepting of the idea of bisexuality. You'd think there was enough prejudice from straight people without dividing ourselves further. Bisexuality is real. As I said in another letter this week, people do like to stick labels on things and can't quite being themselves to think outside of those. As human beings we seem addicted to labelling and separating people into groups so that we can either dismiss or include them - whichever option benefits us or alights with an agenda.

Still, not everyone has such a narrow view and you could always try to explain how you feel to your gay friends. They may not have met a bisexual person before, and the situation is very similar to explaining homosexuality to a straight person who's not previous met someone gay. Without any real experience, stereotypes fill the gap. These need to be knocked away and replaced by facts.

Your group sounds like a great idea. Not only will it help build your own confidence, but it'll help others too. You may meet other people through this group who can understand what you're going through.

Although you are clearly hurting at the moment, what comes through in your email is that you know who you are and are quite comfortable with it, despite the attitudes of those around you. You have told me what and who you are and why you choose not to date at the moment. It doesn't sound to me as though there's much confusion here – just the unfortunate attitudes of those around you.

You don't necessarily need to come out as bi to your family at the moment, if it's likely to cause you stress. Why not just leave it until you start dating someone? The issues around coming out are the same as for a gay person. People can't fail to see as time goes by that you aren't a walking stereotype and that you make your own rules; that bisexual people are as capable of loving and committed relationships as straight and gay people. You're going to have to be strong and by simply living your life you can educate people. My bisexuality page might help further.