Problem page archive entries:
Name [Jason] Age  Gender [M]
Ok this one is a tough one for me. I know that I am attracted to both men and women. But I am in the closet about men, I have tried to come out as gay before and it was a total disaster, to the point I even had to retract it and move out of state, which considering how open the community was is really bad, I lived in seattle, now I'm in texas, which would surely be even worse. I don't know what to do, I can't keep denying myself but I can't see an avenue of approach to coming out, and on top of it all I am a christian and it says the god abandons gays. I don't know what to do. Please help I need advice this is really eating me up inside.
What happened the first time you revealed your interest in men that was so bad you moved state? That's pretty drastic. Did the majority of people react in a hostile way and you felt you had no choice, or did you leave because you were afraid of what people thought? If it's the former, then moving - if you had a mind to anyway - is not such a bad thing, though it's a puzzle that you'd move to somewhere that you see as less tolerant of same-sex relationships. Your safety and happiness are paramount, but if it's the case that you left the state out of fear then it's vital that you begin to adopt a more positive and proactive approach to your sexuality or you'll continue to run.
Some may say that as someone who is attracted to both sexes, you have a slightly smoother ride. You could opt to simply not tell people that you like guys too, which wouldn't be a crime. If the time comes when you met a man who you want to be in a relationship with, then you can think about how you might start to come out to people. If you found yourself in love with a woman, then there may be no need to tell anyone except her that you also like guys.
Many bisexual people - most, in my experience - report feeling more attracted to one gender than the other. Obviously, if this is the case for you and you lean more toward men, coming out becomes more pressing.
But coming out needn't be undertaken on an all-or-nothing basis. You can choose who to tell and you can be discrete to a level that suits you. While we can never control how people will react or behave, we can certainly make good guesses based on how any one person has behaved in the past. So you might choose to share you news with only close friends and ask that they do not discuss it with anyone outside of that select group. You might tell immediate family, but choose not to tell the extended etc.
It's obvious from your email that you have a strong desire to come clean and be open about who you are, but you fear the consequences. Remember that you have control over who knows and when; you are not powerlessly waiting to be sprung and judged and you don't need to live with a half packed bag.
Read my coming out section for more.
Name [Anonymous] Age  Gender [F]
ok so heres my problem. my best friend has been openly bisexual for the past 3 years, and i recently relised that i love her. i think ive known it for a while but not really understod. so anyway my problem. last year she was in love with me, completly and she kept trying to drop hints about her realy loving me and wanting me to love her. im kinda slow and i didnt catch the drift and she gave up. a few months later she fell in love with a boy who she has now been dating for a year, and i just recently realised how despretly in love i am with he.
for as long as we can remember, we hve been holding hands and playing love but now i want it to be real. my heart is pounding when im around her and ive never felt the same way about anyone, but all she thinks about is her boy friend. they are always together and when it just me and her ,hes all she talks about. it kills me i feel like my heart is being ripped out and when i finally decided to tell her that i really liked her and i didnt want to pretend, the only thing she said was that i had my chance and i missed it. i desperately want to tell her exactly how i feel and how it kills me to see her with her boyfriend, but i care about her and she cares about him so i dont think i could live with myself if they broke up because of me (and even worse if im turned away again). every time im around her i fight the urge to kiss her and i thought maybe i could stay away from her and it would work but no. she got sad that i was messing up our friendship and i cant stand to see her hurt. i really want her to be happy and thats all i ever cared about, but now i want to be happy to and i cant do that without her... what should i do?
I know this hurts like hell but, although it might seem cruel, your friend is right: you missed your chance. But so did she. It seems both your timings were off and you didn't become a couple when you were both interested and available. That's in the past, and today it's important to deal with the current situation and not hurt yourself - and punish your friend - with daydreams and 'what if's.
She's with someone now and it sounds like she's very wrapped up in him. You want her to be happy, and it sounds like she is. One day you may be able to feel pleased for her, but it will take time. Reminding her how you feel and explaining in detail how much you hurt wouldn't help you or be fair on her. While it's good to be honest with the people close to us - and telling her why you are struggling was a fine thing to do - it's not fair to essentially ask someone to feel bad and guilty about their actions when they're doing nothing wrong. It would be hard for her to hear how she's hurting you by simply enjoying her relationship. What can she possibly do to help? She can't provide what you need.
Backing off a little bit, if the pain is too great, is a sensible thing to try. You don't have to vanish on your friend completely, but perhaps see her a little bit less and spend more time with other friends or focussing on a hobby you enjoy. Engage with some of the things you may have neglected recently because you've been so preoccupied.
Your friend is happy and has no plans to end her relationship. She's your friend and can't be more. You need to practise shifting your thinking from what you don't have to the valuable friendship that you do. Work to embrace the reality of the situation instead of lingering on regrets and how you'd like things to be. None of you have done anything wrong, and the pain will get easier.
Although the title of the page isn't appropriate here, the content on getting over someone may help.
Name [Beth] Age  Gender [F]
Hi there, I'm 14 and have just realised I'm gay, my mum and my auntie and my cousin know but that is it. I told them all that I think in gay but I now know that I definitely am, as I ament interested in boys at all, I don't want anybody else to know but it's kinda tearing me apart. I have thoughts that some people think I'm gay as I dress a lot like a guy but thats just my style, anyways I definitely know I'm gay and my mum wants me to speak to y guidance teacher at school but I'm too scared as I think they might judge me but at the same time I know they won't, I just really don't know what to do, could you give me some advice please? :)
I'm pleased to tell you that I don't think you need any advice. I know what it's like to worry and imagine all sorts of outcomes, but it's important to look at your situation and recognise what's great about it. You've come out to several close family members and they're fine about it. You've been given some good advice, to speak to your school counsellor, and you seem to think that he/she won't judge you. It all sounds very positive and a great start to coming out and cultivating a positive attitude to who you are.
I think that your main worry is coming out beyond the family home and how people might react. Your guidance counsellor may be helpful in this and other concerns, but remember that you don't actually need counselling simply because you are gay.
It sounds as though you have a strong sense of who you are but just need a bit of support as you take your next steps - something that's useful for any young person. Take advantage of the opportunities you have around you to talk about how you feel and the difficulties you're facing. My coming out section may help further.
Name [Peter] Age  Gender [M]
Hi I'm kinda new to the whole gay scene I'm almost 15 I'm bi sexual but 75% gay I er I don't really have a dad to talk to about things coz he left when I was 7 and I'm not really close enough to my mum or sister to tell them. I know what people say about telling people I recently told my friend and I felt a huge weight come off my shoulders. I was on Bgiok earlier and I was reading the section on falling for a straight friend and I don't know if I should tell him that I do have feelings for him because the friend that I told said he might be the type of person to freak out. I have a gay coach and I felt maybe if I talk to him he could give me some advice but I rarely see him anymore and all week I try to muster up the courage to tell him but when I see him my mind goes blank we talk for a bit and I feel like I can tell him but I get all shaky and say "it doesn't matter". I just need some help and advice from someone with experience. I have had three girlfriends the first two were alright we had fun and then I turned emo at fourteen and got another girlfriend but it kinda went… wrong and I turned off relationships altogether for a while and then I realised that the first two weren't amazing they were just okay and I came out to my self at 14 and I've been keeping it to myself and it's been eating from the inside I just wanna shout what I feel from the rooftops but It annoys me because I'm afraid of rejection from friends and family. I need advice desperately.
It sounds as though you just need to find your courage. You have already told a friend and it sounds as though it may have gone well. This tells you that the world won't end when you tell someone you like guys, and that you do have the courage you need to tell people, despite it being hard and scary.
A great next step would be to tell the coach. Don't let the fact that you don't see him very often put you off. He's gay, so you immediately don't have the worry of how he may react to your bisexuality. He won't think less of you for being shaky or nervous. The worst outcome that I can think of is that he doesn't have anything useful to say! That's it. That's all you have to fear. But I would guess that as someone who works with young people and has already dealt with the issues you're currently facing, he'll have valuable insights and useful advice. It's an ideal opportunity to benefit from a potentially great source of support. You're only prevented from taking advantage of this by your nerves. You've already experienced your ability to overcome those.
As for past relationships: learn from them. Just be sure that you only get involved with someone you find truly attractive. Throw gender out the window and let natural attraction - to either sex - guide you. Life doesn't get much more honest than that.
Name [Gregory] Age  Gender [M]
I've recently started to question my sexuality. I always thought about myself in the categories of a bi-curious straight guy but recently I started to think I might be gay. I've never been in a relationship with anyone and the only person I've ever fallen in love with was a woman, but the thing is... ever since I remember I've been craving to have sex with other men. The only erotic dreams I had were about men. I've only connected the dots recently and I'm terribly confused about the whole situation. Could you give me an advice please?
It sounds to me as though you may be bisexual, but perhaps you are more drawn toward men. This aspect of yourself has grown stronger and caused you to reach this point where you're reevaluating your sexuality. It's important to be honest with yourself about your feelings toward men and women. This removes confusion and provides a firm basis to progress from.
What you do from here is up to you, but if you've been craving sex with men then it would be strange and self-defeating not to explore that. This is all about what feels good to you and what you want. Being close to a man might help to make things clearer and answer some of the questions you have about yourself.
You may choose to just carry on as you are, making an effort to meet new people and seek new experiences. Often things become clearer when we're not looking for answers to specific questions. You may meet someone who you feel something special for, male or female, and suddenly life makes more sense.
I would start by letting your strongest desires guide you. If you're not sure what your strongest desire is, the worst thing you can do is obsess about, force or attempt to shape it. Let your body and emotions guide you and be completely honest with yourself.
Name [Lesley] Age  Gender [F]
Im in a relationship with my 15 year old son's teacher
and yes it's a female teacher so im a lesbian.
anyway the problem is that my son doesn't talk to me much anymore, my girlfriend is moving into my house soon so i want things to be good between all of us
You haven't given me a great deal to go on here. I don't know how your relationship with your son was before you became involved with his teacher. Assuming his behaviour changed afterwards, it would be obvious that he's having problems adjusting to the idea of his mum being lesbian and being involved with someone he is taught by - and has authority over him - in school. It's quite a change, especially if he'd thought of you as heterosexual up until now. He may feel he has little privacy or independence, with two mums in the places he spends the most time.
I know you want a happy home where everyone gets along, but it'll take time. Be patient with him. Not only has he got to readjust to your newly revealed sexuality and relationship, but I expect it's hard dealing with the reactions of his friends. 15 year old lads - and I'm generalising a bit here - are not the most mature and open-minded bunch. Does your son have close friends he can talk to? If not, he may be feeling a little bit stranded at the moment, with the rules changing around him and someone he thought he knew presenting some large surprises.
Talk to him. Be proactive. Ask him how he feels about your relationship, while letting him know that you are happy i.e. he needs to accept your lifestyle, but also feel that there's room for him to express how he feels about it, even if that might not be easy for you to hear. He needs to know he'll be heard and his feelings are important.
You've done nothing wrong and you have a right to happiness, but you can't force him to be fine about things. Show him how happy you are and reassure him that your sexuality and girlfriend doesn't change your relationship with him. He needs to know that there aren't going to be any more surprises anytime soon and that he has a stable, somewhat more predictable, and happy home. Talk to him.
Name [George] Age  Gender [M]
hi. i was playing xbox with mates who i have come out to and are fine with it but i do get every so often a joke about being gay i don't mind them doing it well back to the problem then after a while a kid how is in year 11 joins are party and my mate james says to him that we have a gay in the party then he says my live name he starts talking like are you really gay them he said i am going to whip your ass then f*** you up like the faggot you really are after that he left the party i worried about he has never seen me but he is in my school i don't know what to do.
It must be scary to be threatened by a stranger. Remember though that many people behave differently when online and aren't violent or aggressive when away from the anonymity of gaming and chat rooms.
It's a shame that the internet seems to bring out the worst side of peoples' behaviour, and online gaming - dominated by young males - is notorious for racism, sexism and homophobia. Anti-gay language seems to be common in online gaming, whether it's meant teasingly between friends who wouldn't regard themselves as homophobic, or meant agressively to a stranger. It's not acceptable, and if it makes you feel uncomfortable then you should, where possible, make sure people know that you don't want to hear it. In terms of your close friends this is fairly straightforward, but when it comes to strangers you can simply ignore them, play without chat, or leave the current game.
Playing with people you know means you can avoid random verbal abuse. If you enjoy playing with strangers then you may choose not to mention your sexuality. There's really no need for a group of strangers playing Call of Duty to go into their sexuality and personal lives unless they're getting on well and things naturally lead into repeat play and friendship. Do other people announce that they are heterosexual when they jump in to Halo? You may also ask that your friends don't reveal personal information about you; that's for you alone to divulge.
If the person in question is no more than a username to you - and you to him - and you are unlikely to even recognise each other, let alone speak, then you may choose to do nothing further. He's likely a loud mouth who hid behind his microphone and is not a real physical threat. Remember that several other people were witnesses to his verbal abuse and there's no way in the real world he could get away with the sort of anonymous attacks he enjoys online. However, if you feel in danger and know the kid's name, you should speak to a teacher about your concerns. What's important is that you feel safe and comfortable going to school and aren't a victim of bullying. If this isn't the case then you need to speak to someone.
Name [Brilee] Age  Gender [F]
I feel really alone. I know i am bisexual, i always have been. I want to tell my family but i will be just another speck of dust in the wind if i tell my family. My dad is a cop and i am afraid of what he.would do from past stuff. I cutt in emotions and i feel alone. i dont know what to do anymore.
I'm not sure if it's a spelling error or if I've got your meaning right, but I'm concerned when you say you 'cutt in emotions'. If you are self-harming, please read my dedicated page for help.
Your statement about coming out seems to be a little conflicted. On the one hand you say that your coming out would be a speck of dust (i.e. meaningless and insignificant), but on the other you say you worry about how your father would react, based on how he's behaved in the past. So perhaps you do expect a negative reaction of some kind and for your sexuality to cause something of a stir at home.
Perhaps your conflicted ideas about your coming out indicate that you're really not sure how the news will be received, and that you are not certain of a big, negative reaction. Although it might not seem like it, this is a positive thing.
I'm sensing that you don't feel very close to your family, and perhaps your Dad works long hours and is somewhat caught up in his job and out of touch with what is happening in your life. While it's hard to have a parent who seems unavailable, perhaps you could try to open up to him when he is around. Sometimes we can be guilty of punishing our parents and not even telling them why we're angry. Sit and talk with him sometime instead of being in your room. You don't have to talk about anything particular, but it may very well make you both feel good and help to reconnect you with your Dad. Perhaps you could try this with your Mum too. I think that perhaps you'd love them to be more interested in your life, as anyone would. You can promote this by changing your own behaviour.
Coming out needn't happen overnight, and dropping the bomb and then retreating to your bedroom is going to make you feel even more isolated. Try to get some communication going between yourself and your family and build up to it.
Also lean on any friends you may have and any support services at school. I think you desperately need to talk, so any trusted and supportive outlet is going to be useful. Don't be quick to write everyone off as not able to understand; don't trap yourself in isolation.
You don't give me much to go on in your email, and I'm filling in the blanks, but I hope this has been of some help to you.
Name [Pat] Age  Gender [F]
You've probably heard about my problem hundreds of times.I've been in a lesbian relationship for a year now and everything is perfect. We make a great couple and even if our relationship is a long distance one we try to make it work and we even want to move together next year.
I have always known I was gay but the thing is that I haven't really accepted this. Two years ago my parents found out about me and they were devastated. I don't want to disappoint them and I sometimes wOnder if I'm not wasting my life in this kind of relationships. I tried to be with men but I can't feel that connection with them, I don't love them. My problem is that I feel guilty with the way I am, I don't think it's right to be like this from a religious point of view.
My girlfriend is an atheist and she thinks I'm stupid to believe in such nonsense as God but I keep having distressful dreams and feelings of anxiety. We sometimes have horrible arguments because of the religious issue.
At the same time there is this guy whom I have known for 11 years and who loves me. I had a very short relationship with him and at that time I wanted something serious with him but he wasn't sure about what he wanted. Now he says he wants to have a relationship with me, marry me and have a kid. I like him a lot as a person, but I don't love him. Looking around me and seeing all my friends getting married and having babies makes me feel like a loser.
I don't know exactly what I should do. Carry on with what I have and try to cope with my guilty feelings or give this guy a chance but ruin my present relationship? The thing is that I can't accept myself. I tried to but deep down something tells me it's wrong to be like that.
This might sound strange but imagine if, as a child, you had been stranded on a desert island with a few other children, and grown up together. No religion, no hang-up, no value judgements on sexuality. Puberty kicks in and you find you are attracted to girls. Would you feel bad about it? Would you feel guilty or that same-sex relationships are somehow inferior to heterosexual ones? Would you try to force yourself into a relationship with a male who you don't love, to do things sexually that don't feel right? I'm guessing the answer would be no on all counts. What would actually happen is that you'd naturally gravitate toward someone who felt the same. You'd be busy being happy. And er... picking coconuts.
Sexuality is morally neutral. Puberty kicks in and you find that you are attracted to people. It's simple and honest and something we have absolutely no control over. You can feel bad about it; give it names; attempt to ignore it; lie about it; debate the uneasy relationship it has with religion; weigh it against the opinions of others; force yourself into behaviour that's approved by your family but completely alien and uncomfortable to you... or you can work at accepting who you are: a good, loving person who's done nothing wrong. Allow yourself to be happy and get on with your life.
I think you'll find the dedicated religion section useful.
Name [Miles] Age  Gender [M]
I recently split up with my boyfriend and what to get out and meet new guys and such but I'm not sure how. I don't drink and not into music so clubbing isn't really an option.
I don't really have many friends left as most cut contact when I came out and the rest have gone off to uni and such.
I just don't know what to do or where to look, the Internet is just full of people looking for quick sex and I'm not into that :S
I've also written about the gay scene and alternatives to it for those who aren't keen. Nothing is compulsory as a gay man, and there are many ways of meeting people. You're not condemned to a life of awkward clubbing if you'd rather go nowhere near! I know I don't.
Name [Luke] Age  Gender [M]
Over the past few months I've been struggling to admit to myself that I'm gay. Part of me knows and accepts this, but I haven't admitted it to myself, nor accepted it.
I've been attracted to guys since Y10, which was also the year I had a brief attraction towards girls. Back then I believed that the attraction to guys was a phase, and it would pass. Even after my attraction towards girls disappeared, and my attraction towards boys never went away, I thought nothing of it. Throughout the remainder of Y10, Y11, the months after finishing school waiting to start college, through college, up until as I'm typing this, that attraction towards guys has never left. If anything, it's only grown stronger.
I haven't wanted to consider, let alone acknowledge, the fact I might be gay. Nearly all my male friends now have girlfriends, whilst I haven't been interested in the slightest. When they ask why I don't have one, I tell them that I'm not interested in a relationship at the moment, and I'm waiting for the right girl to come along. I'm obviously not, but since I haven't admitted that I'm gay to myself, I can't tell any of them.
It's frustrating, as I know I'm in denial, yet at the same time part of me has accepted that I'm gay. Part of that denial comes from the belief that I was going to grow up, fall in love with a woman, get married, have children. Another part of that denial is I'm racing ahead and becoming scared of how people will react once I tell them. I have spoke with a few other people before who I know are gay, but even then, I still refused to consider the fact I might be gay.
I feel slightly better now that I've typed this out, but I have no idea how to overcome my denial. If you can offer me any advice, I would be grateful.
PS. Thank you for creating this site.
Your email doesn't read like denial. You explain clearly how you feel, admit openly that you are attracted to men and that you're covering up the truth. Someone in denial wouldn't have written to me because sending an email to bgiok is in itself surely a step toward accepting same-sex attraction. So well done. What you actually want is to feel better about who you are and to find the courage to allow other people to know the truth.
The obvious place to start is to again talk to these gay people you know. I can't think of an easier first experience of coming out than telling someone who is gay. You don't have to worry about a negative or homophobic reaction, which is usually the biggest fear for anyone coming out. Be brave and open up. I think it took me around 2 hours to spit the words out, the first time I told anyone, but I felt amazing afterwards. Confidence has momentum and it begins when you tell someone for the first time. It's exponentially easier after that. I imagine that coming out to a gay person will open social doors or, at the very least, give you ideas for moving forward.
Ultimately, the only other option is to continue to tell lies and sidestep the issue. That's not a happy long term scenario for anyone. You can be happy and have a family as a gay man, but it's hard to have a full and happy life if you're wearing a disguise.
You may benefit from exploring my website further.