Problem page archive entries:
Name [Taelinn] Age  Gender [F]
sorry to bother you, I just needed a second opinion. When I was 13, even though I did try to prevent anyone finding out until I was sure, my mum got told I was bisexual and we did have a brief conversation about it but then it was left at that. I've now realised she either thought it was a stage or forgot due to things she's said in passing recently and i'm not sure what to do. These conversations make me ridiculously uncomfortable, so should I leave it alone or try to talk to her again? I know i'm sure now, I really do like girls as well. But is coming out AGAIN worth the trouble do you think?
Thanks a lot :)
I doubt a parent would forget the news that their child is bisexual, but it’s certainly something that might have been swept under the carpet. That’s not to say your Mum has a problem with it; perhaps she finds it tough to talk about sex and sexuality with you, just like you do. I doubt it’s ever easy to come out to parents. They don’t get lessons on how to deal with it and often don’t ever consider that their child might not be heterosexual. At least in your case your Mum has had a great big forewarning.
The decision to speak to her about your sexuality depends on how important it is to you that she knows right now. You say you are sure about your bisexuality and it seems to be important to you that you reassert this with your Mum and to remove any lingering doubts. It’s normal to want those we care about to know the truth about us and to accept it. This makes us feel validated, supported and more confident. All my usual coming out advice applies from here.
Name [B] Age  Gender [F]
The feeling of being 'different' started when I was 15. Before that, I always pictured myself getting married with a guy and having children. Leading a 'normal' life. But at 15, I met this girl in a camp and things are not the same ever since. That was the time when I was about to get into a relationship with a guy, but she just took my heart away. The feeling with her is so special. There's no words to describe how it feels. Although the time with her was short, it changed my life. We did not do anything, we simply look at each other longer than supposed to, that's all. She was my first crush. Till today, I'm not sure whether she ever did admire me too. We are no longer in contact but those moments are the sweetest mysteries of my life.
Subsequently, another girl came into my life. We have known each other for very long. In fact, she's my cousin. Which makes things so much more complicated and sinful. I truly hate myself for loving her in such ways. But I simply can't get her off my mind. At 16, we went for a holiday together with our families. That was when the feelings start to arise. She always seem so happy to be around me. I remember how she came rushing towards me and hug me from the side. She never does that to others. And from then on, she would lean her feet on mine as we seat near each other, she would inch her fingers to mine when we watch movies. She look at me with such deep eyes that seem to hide feelings of love. She stroke her fingers down my spine and says I'm beautiful. She laughed so happily at stupid things I say. She simply made me so happy before. But as we get things more into perspective, the hurt is more evident. How is this going to work? It is not. We are relatives. No way it is going to work. Furthermore, she is so much smarter than me. She excel at everything she do. Academics, leadership, sports, ballet and piano. She is too perfect to be in such a relationship. She never once say to me she loves me. She never ever say that. I'm not sure whether she loves me the way I love her. But as years go by, we restrain ourselves. She never touch me the way she did before. But she still look at me the same way. I thought things are behind us and both of us can move on and treat each other as cousins again. But recently, she suddenly played me a song, "It's hard to say goodbye" What is it supposed to mean? I cried like crazy that night, hearing that song again and again, trying to figure out the message she is trying to send me. Why can't we just be straightforward about this? Cos being brutally honest will only lead to bad outcomes. Think about it: If she loves me and of course I love her too, our families will never accept it, both families will have estranged relationship and we will never be blessed. If she does not love me, then things will be real weird whenever we meet each other during family gathering. So the best way is to let it be, let it be as it is. Not say a word and hopefully the feelings dissipate.
As my cousin occupy a portion of my heart since 16 years old. Other people come and go through my heart too. There is this guy, I truly have no feelings for him but he is so persistent and really good to me. On top of that, he's the top-scorer of the whole school, with superb leadership skills and great personality, and his fairly good looking.He sent me love letters, chocolates, brought me out, tried his best to comfort me when I'm upset. But I felt so intruded when he tries to hug me, hold my hand, put his hands over my shoulders. I feel so disgusted. So 'dirty'. I just couldn't love him that way. He is my best friend, I can tell him anything and feel comfortable but no physical intimacy. He caused me stress during those days when I was 17 to 19 years old. During the same period, there's this other girl whom I fall in love with too. I told her I love her but she say she doesn't love me that way. I was devastated then. With my huge school work load and other commitments out side of class, as well as relationships without closure, I was driven to the edge of a cliff. It felt so bad. I locked myself out of life. Gave myself a break by cutting all connection with the outside world, not going to school for a week, not answering any phone calls or text messages. But I stood up again and went back feeling much better. But never the same as before. I was so full of energy and passion to my cause of helping people in need. But when I go back, it was never the same again. That energy level is always low, it just seem so difficult to be happy, a part of my heart seem to be lost, I feel so empty and lonely all the time. I know people love me, but I can't feel it. Or maybe, I just want love from a special her.
At 19, I met another amazing lady! She is so eloquent and emotional. I love the way she feels so relax around me, how she can simply reveal all her feelings to me. I love how she look at me. How she brush off crumbs on my shirt when we were having a 1-to-1 lunch together. Or how, on another occasion, arranged my utensils and drink to make space for the food to come, the key is she never did that for other friends. How she is so concern about me. How she offer to send me home in front of other people. How we simply click emotionally. But for now, I am just waiting for her to go university too. Wait to see whether we truly have feelings for each other. Time and patience with her. I have a feeling she's the one. But am not totally confident.
Now at 20, I just started university and lives in hostel. Surprisingly, my hostel neighbour, a senior, has the same name as me. She is amazing. Smart and caring. She is just amazing. We wrote letters to each other and slot them through underneath the door. Those letters always make my heart tick. We talk till wee hours so happily. She tried teaching me guitar. She plays guitar specially for me. She taught me so many things. We went to watch concert together. She fetched me from home to hostel. She remembers every little things I've said. She really touch my heart deeply. But I knew she never loved me the way I love her. Because she never look at me that way. She never touch me at all. Not even a simple hug. And she always proclaims to be very straight but not homophobic. Recently, I told this senior how I feel towards her, but never once did I mention that it was romantic. She sort of guessed it and told me she felt uncomfortable. I was heartbroken once again. I thought we won't even be friends. But the day after my confession, she sent me messages, information to help with my school assignment. I guess we are still friends. We have not met since my confession...I feel so scared to face her again. But tmr...I'm going back hostel. She is good at making people feel comfortable in her presence, so no worries about feeling weird when we meet again. But I know, things will be different, she will keep me at a distant from now on.
What will the future be like? I love all of them so much but because I love too much, I feel so empty now. Even if I find that one special girl. I'll never be that me again. But will I be happy with a special someone by my side? I'm afraid I'll become emotionally dependent on her. I don't want our relationship to be dysfunctional. I'm scared. On one hand, I yearn for love. On the other hand, I'm frightened by the notion that I'll love one single person so so much. Feelings so strong that can lead me to do stupid things. I am afraid.
Love is scary. To give yourself completely to someone is to risk being badly hurt, but when it works out it’s one of the most wonderful situations you’ll ever find yourself in. To experience true love fully you have to give yourself and accept the risks, but that doesn’t mean losing your head or being unable to recover and feel joy again. You still have control over your behaviour and the choices you make, even when madly in love.
You feel empty because you’ve had several experiences of feeling very strongly for others who don’t or can’t reciprocate. After a while you've become burned out and emotionally numb. That doesn’t mean you are permanently damaged or changed. Gay and lesbian people experience this situation perhaps more than heterosexual people for obvious reason: there are more straight people to fall for, and it makes life tough and sometimes lonely. But you are still capable of feeling the passion and excitement of a new potential partner, even after several painful disappointments.
You can’t control who you find attractive but you can improve your chances of finding someone who also likes girls by seeking them out deliberately. I don’t know about your particular country and its stance on homosexuality but perhaps there are resources you could find, ways of meeting other lesbian women.
You’re a sensitive person with a lot of love to give to the right person. Don’t let the disappointments you’ve had so far taint your outlook on the future.
Name [Elis] Age  Gender [F]
Ok, so my life is kind of like a soap opera atm... I'm biologically female, but kind of trans. I have a girlfriend and she's great, she's the most accepting person I have ever met and we talk about everything and really enjoy each others company, but we can't see each other much bcos she goes to uni an hr and 40 mins away from me and now she has a job on the weekends.(I live with my dad and he doesn't know). We've been going out for over a year, I broke up with her in april though bcos I wasn't ready for a commitment, we've been together for the last few months though and it's going well. I just don't get why I'm not in love with her. We cuddle and hold hands and have even started kissing for the last 3 weeks (we were too nervous to do it before although our first kiss was last December). And I enjoy that, but last year I was really attached to her but not in love, like I missed her so much it was like physically pain when I wasn't with her and I got extremely jealous when she talked to other people. But it has ebbed since then, it's not as intense and there was a 'fireworks' feeling when it was our 1st ever kiss, like my heart was beating really fast and I got this shot of adrenaline, I've never kissed anyone before and nor had her and I also wasn't expecting it. It's been going so well lately, we don't argue anymore and I'm just kind of expecting that the feelings of before will come back. I know she was in love with me before we broke up and I know she still is now and she knows I'm not. We just don't discuss it bcos it makes both of us upset. I'm not into guys, I can't imagine a relationship with one, but maybe I can't fall in love with girls, like that's not how I'm wired. But maybe I'm just attached to her bcos she's the only understanding person I've ever met, but I don't want to lose her. Any help would be great. Thanks
It could just be that she’s not the one for you. You've given it a year and I think you'd know well before now if there was mileage in this relationship. To be cold about it, there are many, many potential partners out there who would tick all the boxes and make you feel the you need to for a committed and lasting relationship. I’ve met a couple of fantastic guys in the last few years who were very keen to get involved with me but I just didn’t quite feel it. I tried regardless and regretted doing so. I liked them and could see that it ‘made sense’, that they’d treat me well, we would have fun, and it would just sort of plod along fine and I could ‘do a lot worse’. But that’s a shitty way to live. It’s not fair. I’d be missing out on someone who does make me feel that incredible way, and also stopping the other guy from meeting someone who can truly want and desire him in all the ways he deserves.
Guys don’t do it for you, so this isn't about being with a partner who is the wrong gender. It seems logical that your current girlfriend isn’t someone you’re going to feel that special way about. That doesn’t mean you don’t care about her, have some good times and enjoy a functional ongoing relationship, but it’s not sustainable. Sooner or later you’re going to get fed up and want more, or perhaps you will meet someone who interests you more. It’s strange that although your girlfriend knows you don’t feel the same way she seems happy to carry on. There’s an unwillingness from both of you to face up to the truth of the situation and take sensible steps forward i.e. have a break and some space to figure things out, or simply break up. Love can grow over time, but it’s not something you cross your fingers and wait for, though you’re both free to do that of course. It just seems a shame for two people to persevere on that basis and miss out on other, perhaps more suitable, romantic opportunities. Certainly after a year together I'd say you've waited long enough for things to slot into place. Too long.
I have never heard from anyone who has an inability to fall in love, so don’t worry about that. If you truly think you have some sort of emotional block then I’d encourage you to look into counselling, but it sounds to me as though true romantic love isn’t going to happen in your current situation, rather than not at all. Love isn’t something you can plan. You just have to live your life and spend time with people who you find interesting. It'll just happen when it’s good and ready. You can’t force or direct it. Scrutinising and worrying won’t bring it into focus either.
Name [Paul] Age  Gender [M]
I think my best friend might just be friends with me because she wants a 'Will and Grace' friendship. She constantly assumes things about me because I'm gay and always says I'm her 'Will'. She's always wanting to hold my hand, and my sexuality is always the focus of everything. Plus, the first - and ONLY - thing she tells ANYONE she meets is that she has a "gay best friend". A couple if my friends also see this. Should I say something? Or should I forget about it since I can't be 100% sure?
I’ve also been introduced as the ‘gay friend’ in the past. But a balanced and mutually enjoyable friendship can’t be based around someone’s sexuality or sitcom fantasy. It would be interesting to know if your friend knew you were gay before the friendship began or if she found out later. Either way, you want a friendship that’s based on the relevant and important attributes of the people within it; you are much more than a gay person, just as your friend is more than her sexuality.
So talk to her. Tell her you find it offensive that she seems to value the fact you like guys above everything else you are. Tell her that you sexuality isn’t a career for you and that it’s not the basis for everything you do in life. Say that it’s offensive to be introduced by your sexuality instead of just your name. And perhaps ask her what it is about you that she likes. The answer to this question might save this friendship, wake her up and make you feel valued for the right reasons.
It’s great that she clearly has no issue with you being gay but she’s turned you into an accessory. You’re not a handbag.
Name [Amy] Age [?] Gender [F]
The main problem I face is that I tried to talk to my mum about me having feelings for some girls last year when it was all very new to me. Me and my mum were quite close at the time and she didn't take to it very well, now I only talk to her when I have a really big problem or need help with my college work. It is almost like we are strangers.
I used to talk to my mum about boys I liked and since then I only talk when I have problems with my feelings towards a man. I also struggle with how to approach the situation with my mum and because of this I usually do not do so and my confusion stays.
I do have friends who support me but it isn't as strong as the support I would be getting from my family but I just cannot bring myself to talk to them about it.
I’m sorry that your Mum didn’t react to your sexuality news in the way you’d have liked. Many people who write to the website have similar experiences and you’re not alone. It must be especially hard to feel a distance between you and your Mum when you’re used to going to her first with personal problems. In an ideal world we’d all be able to talk to our families about the things that are bothering us, but this isn’t always the case. Your Mum, like all of us, is a flawed human being and she may never be comfortable discussing certain topics. That’s not to say that she’ll never come around to accept the part of you that likes girls, though. Try to be patient, and make the most of supportive friends.
It’s also worth keeping in mind that liking girls is often only a problem if the individual decides it is. You haven’t done anything wrong and there’s nothing wrong with you. If some of the people in your life decide differently, that doesn’t change those simple facts. We get to decide if we’re okay or not.
Update: Amy sent this a few weeks after I replied to her initial email to update me on her situation. I'm happy that things are much better for her now.
Bizarrely my mother reacted in a more positive way when I sat her down more recently and seems to be dealing with my sexuality quite well.
I can sit down with her and talk about who I like and who I don't and my mum finds it quite amusing when she teases me when she learns of who I like.
I'm sure that this is just the beginning and I am going to have many other issues to overcome but its good to know that at least my family will accept me, right?
Thanks Jason, you have been a great help!!
Name [Sebastian] Age  Gender [F]
I just found this site, I don't know how, or why I feel I can tell you my doubts. I know being gay is normal. I have a boyfriend, but he's flamboyant and I'm ashamed of being seen with him. I feel I always end up with stereotypical gays because I don't have to worry about rejection. My parents know I'm gay, but only because I decided to be really girly when I was in 8th grade as a way to not have to Say it but just show it. I never said it, even though it was obvious. Therefore, everyone knew, wherever I went, but my parents pretended I wasn't gay despite of my effeminacy. I just want to say to them "I'm gay". Even though they know, I feel saying the words out loud will make the whole world crumble beneath my feet. Do you think I should just tell them whenever they ask me if I have found a girl I like?
I think your family may very well have worked things out by themselves but perhaps feel uncomfortable in addressing it. Not that anything much needs addressing here apart from your attitude toward your sexuality. Keeping a boyfriend secret from your family must be tough, or if you don’t attempt to hide him then he’s another big, glowing indication to those around you that you aren’t straight, even if you tell people he’s just a friend.
The only reason you should be in a relationship with someone is because you’re crazy about them. Not because they are a safe bet or because you are able to maintain the upper hand with a particular sort of person. If effeminate guys don’t do it for you then don’t date them. It’s terribly unfair on your partner and keeps you from meeting someone who really does it for you.
Why the need to drop such a big hint about your sexuality that you modified your behaviour for a period of time to achieve it? That must have required an ongoing effort. Or perhaps you really are effeminate but not comfortable with it.
A good first step will be to come out officially to your folks. Based on what you’ve told me I think you'd only be stating the obvious at this point. The world won’t end but it could be the beginning of feeling better about who you are and a lot braver when it comes to going for what you really want instead of playing it safe. And have a good think about your current relationship. If you’re not with him for the right reasons it’s not fair on either of you to continue.
Name [Matt] Age [?] Gender [M]
I really need your help with 2 major issues!!! Firstly, I am Gay and I am extremely proud of who I am. I am out to my friends and I am not afraid to say that I am attracted to men, that is to say, not to my parents anyway. My Parents nor Grandparents really accept homosexuality and use homophobic language around the house. They do not know that I am gay and I am afraid of telling them in case they throw me out of the house and I have no where to go. I am not particularly close with my mum at the best of times and I think this could destroy with what little relationship we have.
Should I be happy for now just being out to my friends and let it be until I have my one place to go to get away from it, in case it goes bad??
Which brings me on to my next question, there’s this guy I REALLY like, he’s also gay and he lives in my city while we are at university. It sounds really trivial but I don’t know whether to ask him out, as we only have a short time together at uni (3 years) before he goes back to Brighton... Any advice??
I am sorry for taking up your valuable time with these trivial problems but I really need some advice!!
I’d advise anyone who has grounds to think that their coming out may result in losing their home or will face impossible hostility within the home, not to come out until they have their own place to stay and financial independence. However, it’s easy to let fear get the better of us sometimes and to imagine the worst. Your folks might not be over the moon about you being gay but do you really think they’d make you homeless? Focus on facts and think about how they have behaved in the past when you’ve done or said things they weren’t happy about.
As for the guy you like, why not go for it? Brighton isn’t another country. If you fall madly in love and see a future together then perhaps one of you would be willing to move so that you can be together. Don’t overthink it. You might have one date and feel you’ve had enough anyway!
Name [Alex] Age  Gender [M]
I sent you an email a few months back, Thanks for your advice.
I have come out to my mum recently and all has gone well, although she did say that it's not uncommon that guys and girls go for a period thinking they're gay and then 10 years down the line are married with children.
This got me paranoid. I had already told some people that im gay and I had never liked girls at all and I can never really imagine being with a girl. But I'm really confused and sometimes I see a girl on the TV and I'm like 'oh she's cute', but I really don't know if that's an attraction or just me thinking that she's pretty. And Im thinking sort of that I'm only getting worried about this because my mum brought it up. Agh confusing!
I think I have sort of come to terms with the fact that I definitely like guys, but I wouldn't really feel comfortable coming out because I guess you are aware of the attitude to gays amongst people my age. I'm happy with who I am but I feel slightly isolated because there aren't many gay people my age (hardly surprising).
My mum also found out about my self harm problem because a good friend of mine told a school councillor who I poured everything out to, which was extremely therapeutic. I feel much better now my mum knows.
I have no idea why I wrote that last part, but if you could help me with the bit at the start that would be much appreciated.
Thanks and all the best
Interesting to see that the old 'it might be a phase' line is used as much today as it was 20 years ago when I was in school. They don’t tell straight kids not to rush into a relationship because they might turn out gay, but it seems it’s still as okay to plant doubt into young gay people as it always was. However, I do agree with your Mum in as much as you are a very young man and will discover all sorts of things about yourself in the next few years. There’s no need to stick a gay label on your chest and close your eyes whenever an attractive female walks past!
I knew I was gay when I was 14 and I was also told about this phase business that adults like so much. My phase has lasted 24 years so far! While your - and everyone’s - sexuality may not be a black and white issue, the fact that you like guys is real and valid and not some vague notion that will vanish from one day to the next. Liking women may also be a part of your future but, as you’ve identified already, there’s a massive difference between identifying that someone looks nice and finding them physically and/or romantically attractive. You'll always be able to spot and appreciate beautiful things, but wanting to be close to someone is different.
In all my time on the website I have never had a single email from anyone who claims to have had one of these 'phases' and turned out to be completely heterosexual after all, shedding off all same-sex attraction. I’ve had plenty of emails from bisexual people though, and those who aren’t quite sure where they sit in the spectrum. You know who you find attractive and that’s a very good place to start. There’s no confusion when you spot someone on the street who you fancy - that’s all the information that matters. Don’t worry about gay phases and nonsense about not having met the right woman yet. As long as you’re open minded and honest with yourself about what feels right then you can’t go wrong.
Name [Hayley] Age [?] Gender [F]
Hello, I have just noticed your website and I am in need of help. My best friend has come out to me about him being gay and I'm so proud of him and supporting him as much as I can, but he is really annoyed and feels that he can't talk to anyone about it. I have told him so many times that I'm here but he is having trouble accepting it. I understand that it does take time, but the way he talks to me, it is starting to sound like he is giving up. He needs help and I'm trying. Do you have any advice that I could give to him?
Your best friend is lucky to have you. As you can imagine, I get a lot of emails from young men and women who are having problems coming to terms with their sexuality. It’s a real shame that some gay people feel they’re getting all their bad luck at once when they realise they aren’t straight. Sometimes everyone around them is supportive and accepting but they still feel miserable.
It can be hard for a gay person to accept that they can be happy, find love and be successful without having to magically become straight first. It’s a horrible, empty thing to feel so negative and hopeless about something that can’t be changed. It goes for everyone - gay and straight - that the only route to happiness is to accept there are certain things about ourselves that cannot be changed, and that to make the most of who we are.
It’s easy for me to say that being gay needn’t be an issue and is only a problem if an individual decides it is, but your friend has to realise that for himself. This could take a while. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things but he may benefit from doing what you’ve done - visiting this website. The key to his feeling better about being gay is in realising that it’s not second best to being straight. A positive attitude and some decent resources will make all the difference.
Name [Tyler] Age  Gender [M]
I am a young man and have several issues with my self esteem, being abnormal and also, as I believe, underdeveloped. I dated another male in highschool and it was the most wonderful experience ever, I loved him deeply and he renewed my entire life, making me feel in ecstasy as I'm sure some of you may be able to empathize. It became intimate fast and within our first week of dating he already made sexual advances on me, in which I nervously accepted. I was very excited but knew it wouldn't work because I've always had an erictile dysfunction. On my own I can get it up, but it swells up to be partially erect, still soft and bendable yet holding it's form. When we had "our moments", he would do all kinds of things, but it would remain flacid and I started feeling extremely guilty.His was hard, very thick, and curved, all of which I adored. But my penis is 8 inches long, quite thin (never measured it), and mostly very soft. Eventually after a month he left me and I became very depressed. I am terrified to have any relationship, and I'm very sad I can't have one because I really desire it. I saw my doctor, all the hormonall balances and everything were in normal range, and there were no physical issues either. He referred me to a urologist. I will see him soon, but know that it will likely be of no help. And I searched all over the internet to find that penis enlargement/hardness enhancement is all fake.I really wish my mother wasn't a chronic alcoholic and drug user (of crack and cocaine), because I suspect I not only recieved mental damage (hence my aspergers and ocd), but also developmental damages as well. I look like I'm 15 and have a squeaky voice, but I'm 22! I really don't know where to turn for advise, do any of you have any ideas or your own personal advise?
Thank you very much.
Firstly, I’m not a medical professional or doctor. It’s good that the tests your doctor performed have shown that you are healthy and normal. I assume you’ve been through puberty normally and have adult physical characteristics. This suggests to me that the cause of your erectile problems are psychological.
Many men have problems with erections because they are worried or stressed, and not necessarily about sex itself. Some men have confidence issues or simply aren’t very relaxed in sexual situations. Sometimes simply thinking and worrying about the ability to get an erection can make it harder to get one and crush any arousal a man may have experienced otherwise.
You say you are terrified of a relationship. It must be difficult to see beyond that fear to a state of being relaxed and aroused with someone. I urge you to seek some counselling to talk about your experiences and worries. Perhaps a therapist can help you to build confidence and explore your fears so that you can overcome them. And remember, the right partner will be patient and considerate in and out of the bedroom and not leave you if the sexual side of your relationship isn’t everything you’d like it to be right away.