Problem page archive entries:
February - May 2014

Name [Liam] Age [17] Gender [M]

Hey, i'm just wondering if it really is worth telling everyone about my own sexuality on the chance that I may lose so many people, I have always wanted to be honest to my friends because I feel I owe it to them but the last thing that I really would want is to lose them over something that really changes nothing but how can I stress that enough to them, most of them make petty jokes towards the gay and lesbian community and it really annoys me that I cannot stand up for myself on the chance that it'll give who I am away to them, but on the other hand will they stop doing so if they knew I was.

I also don't want people to 'pretend' to accept me for who I am and then behind my back be someone totally different, I also don't want them to have this idea that i'm going to be any different from before because really that isn't the case in any way what so ever.

In high school many people 'guessed' which got spread quite a lot and then hurtful things was said, even with one of the teachers saying it was purely my own fault and I was bringing it on myself by being gay. Since moving to college, I don't want that to ever happen again but I really want to be truthful but not lose people over it.

I don't understand why some people express the fact that this is something chosen, because why would anyone chose to be looked at differently and more importantly why would anyone chose to be a target of some type of abuse? It doesn't make sense but then again, I want to live my life, being myself.

Obviously there are choices for me to hide this information from different people but what is that showing them, that i'm ashamed?

Thanks a lot!


Hi Liam,

Choosing to hide your sexuality gets harder as you get older. What happens when you meet someone, want to live together or even get married? It’s impossible to hide these aspects of your life from the world. They are wonderful and positive things that we naturally want to share and celebrate with those closest to us. The alternative is to stay single and avoid the subject indefinitely, and maybe marry a woman to really throw them off the scent... which is far beyond being an acceptable life plan. Some gay people are so afraid of rocking the boat that they actually do live this way. Please don’t!

You have to decide whether it’s better to be honest about yourself and give people the opportunity to be cool about it, or to construct a fiction about your life and hide behind it, making it very hard to meet someone and have a healthy, functioning relationship. Not much of a choice! You don’t really know how your friends will react - no one does - until you tell them, and you can’t assume they are terrible homophobes because of the odd petty joke or remark. Homophobic language is all around us but it’s often the case that there’s no real malice behind it. That doesn’t make it right, of course, but it’s helpful to know the difference between thoughtless remarks and language designed to hurt.

Good friends - real friends - are those who accept us as we are and wouldn't dream of having us live a lie to please them. Would you ask a friend to live their life completely differently to how they need to in order to be happy, because you had a problem with it? I reckon that the time we have is too precious to waste and that the only way to be happy is to embrace who you are. I’ve written more about coming out here.

Name [JR] Age [20] Gender [M]


I've recently came out to my friends and university as well as my friends at home. However, I can't help but think that I have feelings for one of my male roomates (I live in an all-male flat, all of them are fine and supportive of my sexuality) and he has recently got himself a girlfriend. I really like his girlfriend and still get on with him as well but I still find myself getting very jealous which often affects my mood around him and his girlfriend.

Do you have any advice?


Hi JR,

I know exactly where you’re coming from: you really like him and his girlfriend, they’ve done nothing wrong or given you any reason to be angry or resentful... but at times you still feel that way. When I’ve found myself in a similar situation I’ve usually chosen to back off a little. This can be helpful, though I appreciate that creating a bit of distance between you and this guy is hard when you live together. Still, you can make small changes that might make a difference. If it’s really eating you up, then it might be a good idea to spend less time together socially and make an effort to get out and about with other friends. This will help to take your focus off this one guy and what he’s up to. Why not try to meet other gay guys? I’m not saying you have to find a substitute for your room mate, but creating opportunities for yourself - including romantic ones - would be a positive step and help you to move forward. Simply having other gay people to talk to is sure to make you feel better. You can bet most gay people have had a thing for a straight person at some time or other. Does your uni have a LGBT group? Some other ideas here.

If you’re feeling a bit fed up and in danger of being moody toward him or his girlfriend, get out, go for a walk, do something else. I expect there are times you want to scream at the pair of them - trust me, I know - but, infuriatingly, your feelings aren’t their fault or responsibility. You shouldn’t feel bad either: we don’t get to choose who we fall for.

It’s crappy when we want to be closer to someone who is out of bounds, but all that heartache can seem like another lifetime ago once someone arrives on the scene who reciprocates.

Name [Duc] Age [18] Gender [M]

Dear Jason

I've grown up identifying myself as a super straight boy. Any physical contact with another boy disgusts me, even just a friendly brother things. I couldn't watch male-female porn because I hate seeing another guy in the screen, and I adore girl-girl scenes. I consider myself an alpha male, and I have slept with girls at high school in Vietnam, a very conservative country.

However, I started to be attracted to transgender girls with male genitals (or shemales, as the porn calls them) a few months ago, which soon escalated to me fantasising myself with another man. I started getting a boner from thinking of going down on a nice man. I think I'm bisexual now, since I still have strong feeling for girls. This happened all of a sudden, without any external influence. I've been living normally and did nothing crazy in my life. I'm still having a hard time to admit my new identity. What is wrong with me? How could I all of a sudden turn from straight to bi at 18 without any catalyst?

Thank you



Hi Duc,

There’s nothing wrong with you. Sexuality tends to unravel in its own sweet time, and it’s different for everyone. Generally speaking, we know what turns us on once puberty has done its thing - sometimes even before - but it’s not always that clean and simple. A young man or woman may think they’re straight only to discover later that same-sex attraction is a part of who they are. I believe sexuality is programmed into us from the start and isn’t something that changes. But it can unfold slowly, revealing itself over time, surprising us with aspects we hadn’t previously been aware of or had perhaps chosen to brush aside as inconsequential or inconvenient.

You have recently discovered that there is more to your sexuality than being attracted to women, and it’s surprised you. Nothing abnormal about that. It’s very positive that you’re facing it and talking about it. You’re still a very young man and you will continue to learn new things about yourself throughout life. You’ll have a firmer understanding of your sexuality, and it’s subtleties, as time goes by but don’t worry about any other big surprises - I expect you’ve had the last. Don’t ever feel ashamed of not being 100% straight. Enjoy what turns you on and do what feels right with the right person.

Name [Susan] Age [22] Gender [F]

Another girl tried to kiss me and I liked it. I feel ashamed. but I am confused


Hi Susan,

There’s nothing to be confused about here. You liked it when this girl tried to kiss you but it doesn’t mean that you are a lesbian, that you prefer women over men or that you would necessarily ever feel the urge to go further with a woman. It simply means there’s a part of you that quite enjoyed being close to a female and perhaps same-sex desire is a part of your sexuality. It sounds like you hadn’t thought about it before and this new knowledge about yourself has given you a shock - perfectly understandable.

I think a great deal of people are not 100% straight, but we’re conditioned to think of ourselves that way and to use tidy labels to describe ourselves. If you’re attracted to someone of the opposite sex at puberty you get a pat on the back and called straight but sexuality isn’t always so simple. Maybe you’ve discovered you’re a little bit something else.

It might be something you feel strongly enough about that you want to explore or perhaps it just doesn’t feel exciting enough to push you to any particular action. After all, enjoying an attempted kiss doesn’t make a straight person turn gay. A kiss can’t 'turn' anyone, but perhaps it might reveal truths previously undiscovered and prompt a re-evaluation. Whatever you feel about it, try to be honest with yourself and don’t deny anything that could bring you fulfilling experiences.

Name [Ashley] Age [14] Gender [F]

I'm 14 years old, im bisexual. Im currently in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3months. Going on 4 on feb 1st. My mother i havent really come out to her but she sorta suspects that im "lesbian". She told me if she finds that i am dating this girl or im lesbian, she will disown me and want nothing to do with me. Im so confused in what to do. I love my girlfriend so much and i dont want to lose her.. But then again im so scared of what my mom will do. :/ please please please help me!! Pleasee!!


Hi Ashley,

Your mother said a dreadful and frightening thing. It’s no wonder you’re scared. Threatening to make a child homeless is despicable. I don’t know your mother and therefore I can’t say whether she is trying to control the situation and cope with her fears by making empty threats or if she really means it, but it would be wrong of me not to tell you to take it seriously and to protect yourself. Avoid revealing your sexuality and the true nature of your relationship with your girlfriend until you are officially an adult, financially independent and have somewhere else to stay.

You do not need to end your relationship, but you need to be discrete and sensible. If you have your girlfriend visit you at home, be sure not to behave in a way that would give the nature of your relationship away, unless you are in the privacy of your room. It may be best to see her elsewhere. Are your girlfriend’s parents more relaxed than your mother?

Only you know your mother and whether she’s prone to making threats with intent. But whether she meant it or not, she said a dreadful thing that no child should have to hear. At the very least it’s clear that your mother is homophobic and intolerant and you need to tread lightly around these matters. If your mother is usually even-tempered, loving and supporting, then hold onto that and enjoy it. It’s not dishonest to cherish a good relationship with her at home while withholding your true sexuality until it’s safer. Maybe your mother will change as time goes by and when eventually you tell her about your sexuality, but I’d recommend you do not consider coming out to her any time soon.

Name [Jo] Age [18] Gender [M]

Hey I came out last year and since then I went down the wrong road by having sex with anyone who is gay . Now I am in a relationship and it really doesn't excite me so I don't think I can do relationships however I want too


Hi Jo,

I don’t think you’re incapable of making a committed and monogamous relationship work. But being with just one person must be a stark contrast to the whirlwind coming out you had, with its excitement, new experiences and new people. It sounds like you want to be happy in a relationship so if you’re really not excited and fulfilled by your partner then perhaps he’s not the one for you. Sure, people stray all the time but, generally speaking, if a person feels strongly enough about someone else to build a life with them then it shouldn’t feel like a chore or challenge to stick with it; you’ll be too busy enjoying yourself and getting everything you need in one place.

Perhaps the timing isn’t right for you. You’re a very young man who’s had a taste of a liberating and exciting sexual life. Perhaps you’re not ready to swap that for something else. Many young - and not so young - people feel the same. Nothing wrong with that. There’s no point trying to tick boxes and do what you think you should, when what you really want is something else. It’s too early to be worrying about not wanting to settle down. It’s common to hear stories of people who were quite happy enjoying casual sex and complete freedom, then suddenly meeting someone who made them feel differently, someone who steals their attention from all others and brings about a desire to build something lasting. It’s happened to friends of mine, straight and gay. Perhaps you haven’t had your life-changing experience yet. This stuff shouldn’t be hard: if you’re with someone you’re bonkers about then noticing the odd hunk in the high street shouldn’t leave you with an empty sense of loss and wondering where the nearest gay bar is.

Remember that relationships require effort. If you’re used to only spending one night with someone, being around one person all the time can feel like hard work! Thinking about someone else’s needs and wants, not always being able to have your own way, losing a lot of your free time, learning about someone’s sexual and emotional needs and helping them to understand yours - all these things require time and effort. But it’s effort you’ll happily make if you’re really into your partner and you really want a deeper and lasting connection at this time in your life.

Name [Grace] Age [18] Gender [F]

Dear Jason,

I have recently discovered that I'm bisexual and I came out to my friend who I believed was trustworthy and would understand. However, the reality is quite the opposite. He's a born again Christian and joined a fundamentalist movement that utterly condemns any homosexual feelings and behaviour. He keeps telling me that I'm making a choice against God and that I'm drowning in sin and definitely going to hell. I told him because I thought he would get it as he told me he was bisexual for years before joining the church. He's entitled to his view but he can't seem to understand that it's upsetting and is really getting me down. What should I do?


Hi Grace,

Sadly, even in 2014, we live in a world where simply being the person you were born is offensive to some individuals and groups. I state my case over the whole God vs gays issue in my dedicated section but suffice to say I do not believe God (or whichever favourite deity a person has) picks and chooses which of his creations he gives a shit about. That’s why we get the whole ‘you chose to be gay’ nonsense from the religion side of things, because their anti-gay stance only works if gay and bisexual people choose their sexuality. If they allow that gay people are born - and 'made' - that way, then they have to admit that non-straight people are part of God’s design and that being gay is no big deal... which would leave them with a lot of free time.

I believe I was born gay, or perhaps I was off sick on the day they asked me in class which way I wanted to swing when I grew up. This topic gets me stirred up! I’m tired of children and young people being told they are evil and subject to all sorts of horrors in the afterlife simply because they were born gay, bisexual or transgender. What god would design such misery? Not one I’m interested in sucking up to.

Now, clearly your friend is firmly in the you-chose-and-you’re-evil club and there’s no advice I can give that will make him see sense or, heaven forbid, become the compassionate, loving and forgiving person he probably now things he is since getting his membership card. He’s got his own path to follow and lots of logic and science to ignore. All you can do is ask that he accept you as you are so that you can get back to enjoying each other’s company. This is something any reasonable person can expect of a true friend. I doubt this is a matter you can agree to disagree on - this is a turning point. You need to decide if spending time with this person is important and beneficial enough to compromise yourself so deeply whenever you’re together. Can you spend time with someone who thinks you deserve to go to hell? I know it hurts, but you deserve better friends. There’s one person in all this who isn’t a judgmental bigot. It’s not him.

Name [Ria] Age [19] Gender [M]

Hi Jason,

I'm really struggling to come to terms with my sexuality and recently was confronted about my mum about it, I'd left me emails open to which she saw I had bought a girl flowers and was telling her I love her, she came up to my room immediately and started asking me was I gay. I'm a closet bi and I denied it all. I really don't know what to do because now I'm paranoid she thinks I'm gay and feel like I have to prove myself to be straight even though I'm not. Is there any advice you can give me? A few months ago I was considering coming out and letting her know so I tested the water with her and asked her what does she think of bisexual people, her response was simply that people who say they like both genders are confused so that set me back. I really don't know what to do and it's starting to really affect me and my relationship with others.


Hi Ria,

I disagree with your mum. There’s nothing confused about being attracted to men and women, but it does upset some people who can’t resolve bisexuality with their fondness for absolutes. As humans, we like to make sense of the world by putting people in boxes. Bisexuals have feet in more than one box and this makes some people uncomfortable. So they explain it by using words like 'confused' or claiming that bisexual is a way of testing the water before coming out as gay. I’ve written more on this on the dedicated bisexuality page.

If coming out fully is worrying you or if you suspect it will cause problems at home, then why not ease into it by promising to yourself that you will no longer lie, cover up or pretend to be straight? It’s not easy to be dishonest to the people we care about. It creates a wall between us. It's not easy to do the opposite of what feels right in order to maintain a facade, but many gay and bisexual people feel they have to. Start your coming out process by letting your guard down a little and by being true to yourself. This will remove some of the barriers between yourself and the people you care about, which I suspect is what’s causing you upset now. You don't need to come out yet if you don’t want to, but you needn’t work hard to hide your sexuality either.

Ultimately, you’ll be happiest in life if you accept who you are and allow others the opportunity to accept you too. Start today by chipping away at any protections you’ve constructed around yourself to mislead people about who you are. Let people in. When you’re more honest you’ll be more relaxed and at peace with your situation, rather than stressed out because you’ve been working hard to lock it away and there are leaks appearing in your story. Perhaps then you will be less afraid when someone close to you asks about your sexuality.

Name [cats1357911] Age [21] Gender [F]

Hi since coming out as gay to family, thankfully both parents are ok with it. However though open minded my older brother can make offensive stereotypical remarks towards me, like calling me "darling" for example. He knows it annoys me, cause the thing is I am not stereotypical of a gay man. I am just someone who happens to like men and be gay. Mum thinks it is because I make him feel inadequate, he can poke fun at people who are different (like special needs people) even though we both have aspergers. Me mildly though. How can I make him stop this. I hate the stereotypes associated with gay men I suppose they are like my "pet peeve" if you like.


Hi Cats,

Some gay men fit the stereotype, but that’s okay. A lot of us seem desperate to get away from it, but being a bit camp isn’t the end of the world; it's not bad in and of itself, it just depends on your point of view. Anyway, perhaps your family don’t appreciate how much the comments of your brother annoy you. Sibling teasing is part of family life but not if it’s making you miserable. Talk to your brother, but rather than snap back at him when he teases you, calmly tell him how much his comments bother you. It might get through. If that doesn’t work then you’ll have to approach your parents again. They are aware of the teasing but perhaps don’t realise how serious it is. Make sure they know.

To balance things out, you could ask yourself if you’re being a bit oversensitive. Coming out was a big step and you seem keen not to be labelled a stereotype. You're concerned with how others perceive you. Perhaps you’re being a bit pricklier than you might usually be. Could you be overreacting to your brother's behaviour?

Name [Fielding] Age [16] Gender [F]

I have a problem, i came out as gay 2 years ago to my family and close friends and the majority of people know im gay! However my best friend and mother both don't like the fact that im gay... And whenever me and my mum argue she always gives me hurtful comments about being gay! I just wish i was normal so i didn't have to put up with all of this :/ please help x


Hi Fielding,

Becoming 'normal' (AKA straight) isn’t possible, nor should you ever have to feel that it's the only way to become acceptable to others. Their hurtful behaviour is not your fault or responsibility. You’ve done nothing wrong. You have no more say in your sexuality than you do in what blood group you have. Sexuality doesn’t need to change but the attitude of those around you does.

I don’t think a person given the title 'best friend' would have a problem with their friend’s sexuality or say hurtful things about it. I don’t think a friendship is sustainable long-term when one person takes issue with another’s very nature. If he or she can’t adjust their thinking on the matter it’s going to be tough maintaining a quality friendship as time wears on. What happens when you want to talk about your love life or introduce a boyfriend? I think you deserve better friends who love and accept you as you are. Isn’t that what real friendship is built on?

As for your mum, I can only suggest you try talking to her and explaining how much she hurts you when she expresses homophobic feelings. If she’s not receptive, then you may have no choice but to drop the matter. It’s hard, but sometimes we have to accept that not everyone will be fine with our sexuality and therefore some topics are never going to be freely discussed or treated with respect. Don’t let that make you forget the good things about your mum, or the good things about your relationship with her. And maybe in time she’ll come around. Be patient. Having a gay son is as new to her as being gay is to you; it’s a journey for both of you. Just as you sometimes wish you weren’t gay, she too sometimes has issues with it. You’re both wrestling with something that shouldn’t pull people apart or make them feel bad.

Name [snowgurll] Age [16] Gender [M]

Hey, alright im literally on the suicidal path because I like someone(girl) alot iv liked her for like 2 years ahe goes to my college and yeaah and shes been getting close to a boy and cos were good friends I know about pretty much all of it which is killing me like alot cos I like her and I dont know what to do I could tell her and ruin the friendship but she knows im bi and she accepts me for it or i could keep goingon like iam now (btw I have mood swings) which is making them get out of control and I cant control it please tell me yoh can help me??


Hi Snowgurll,

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please speak to an adult you trust or call The Samaritans, who offer support to those in distress as any time of the day.

Unless your friend is bisexual, you’re going to have to begin working on accepting the situation: she is not romantically available and is interested in a boy at college. It can be painful when we care deeply for someone and want to be closer to them than is possible. This isn’t a problem unique to gay and bisexual people, though I’d bet it happens more often since the majority of people are straight. Everyone has liked someone who didn’t feel the same way in return.

You’re feeling distressed and something needs to change so that you can feel better. I’m not an expert on this situation, and I’m still working out what the best course of action is even at 38! Sometimes I think it’s best to have a bit of space between you and the person you like, sometimes I think it’s better to have their friendship than nothing at all, and sometimes I’ve just felt angry and ended up creating a wedge in the friendship that brought about its end - certainly deliberately, though not acknowledged as such at the time. What do you think? If you can’t be in a romantic relationship with this friend then what is your plan B? Can you be a close friend to her while feeling this way or do you think some space is best? Do you think it would help to tell her how you feel? Perhaps this news would give her an opportunity to make you feel a little better ie. she might be more sensitive around the topic of her love life until you’re feeling better. Really good friends are hard to find and I wouldn’t follow my example of sabotaging your yours as an excuse to walk away. It didn’t make life easier. I deeply regret not handling my feelings for a certain guy better, many years ago.

You’ve done nothing wrong by feeling the way you do and you owe no apologies to this girl or anyone else. We can’t help who we fall for. These feelings are powerful and can’t be swept away - they’re desperate to be acknowledged and reconciled. Think about how you might maintain this friendship while taking care of yourself. No matter what you decide to do, you will feel better with time. I know it hurts but it’ll get easier.

Name [Steve] Age [15] Gender [M]

I recently came out to my 'straight' crush, who I have liked for at least two years, it didn't go well! I feel so stupid, because I think he hates me, it HURTS! I LOVE him and now he won't speak to me, he's blocked me from everything we were friends on! I want the pain to stop, I want him to be my friend again! :( I don't know what to do anymore!


Hi Steve,

It took a lot of courage to reveal your true feelings to your friend. His negative reaction isn’t your fault and your feelings aren’t bad or wrong. In fact, they’re wonderful. Given the right circumstances they can bring two people together into something amazing.

Your friend’s behaviour is hurtful and immature. Being liked by someone you don’t fancy back is a common part of life and, if he’s fortunate, something he’ll have to get used to! But this isn’t so much about being unable to handle an unwanted crush: this is about you being a guy and him being freaked out by it.

I can’t say whether this guy is homophobic at heart or just terrified of being thought of as gay by others by having anything to do with you. Remember, most 15 year olds are as concerned with how others perceive them as you are, and just as concerned with being liked and popular.

He may simply not know how to handle the situation. It’s feasible at 15 that you are the first person, male or female, who’s ever expressed those sort of feelings toward him. He may not be equipped with the experience or maturity to deal with it sensibly and respectfully.

But, whatever his reasons, how he’s chosen to behave isn’t kind or fair. He’s broken a friendship that needn’t have been broken. Apart from telling him how you feel - should an opportunity arise - there’s not much you can do. As long as he isn’t bullying you, you can’t do much to change the situation. We can’t force someone to behave the way we’d like, even if it’s in a kind and fair way, and we can’t bring about changes in the outlook of others, even if that new outlook is one of compassion and understanding. There’s got to be some willingness from the other person to engage and a common desire to find a positive way forward.

Send one last email explaining how you feel and then give him time to cool off. Say that you know a romantic relationship isn’t going to happen but that you felt it was important to be honest with him. Say that you miss the friendship and that there’s no good reason it can’t continue. This is all very reasonable stuff, so if he isn’t receptive then you might just have to leave him to grow up a bit and hopefully adjust his attitude along the way.

Name [Chris] Age [13] Gender [M]

Hi Jason,

I really need some help at the moment, I'm not sure if I can fit all of this in one e-mail but here goes. I am thirteen years old and I am certain that I am gay, I was sure of this from a very early age and I came out very early as well when I was eleven. I am very happy with who I am but at the moment but there are quite a few big problems. Everyone in my school knows I am gay and everyone in my year is very supportive. But when it comes to the older years they are not as understanding and bully me because, and I quote: 'It's his fault cos he's gay!'. This is my first problem. I really don't know what to do about this bullying, I've tried to tell teachers at school but to be honest they haven't done anything. Sometimes I think it is because I am in a Catholic school and they don't care? Here's my second problem and to be honest it's the one I consider to be most important. Even though all of my friends are great and really supportive of me, there are absolutely no other gay people in my school. I always feel like I need some other well... gay people to talk to. If I did have someone like that to talk to I guess the bullying wouldn't be such a big problem. I think I've only ever met one other gay person. I repeat my friends are great but they don't want to talk about stuff to do with my sexuality and they always change the topic of conversation? I have no idea where I could go and as you know I can't go to bars and stuff like that. So there it is I really need you to help? Please I am feeling really depressed all the time.


Hi Chris,

There are other gay people in your school, trust me on that. It is impossible that in the whole school you are the only gay or bisexual person. I’ve hears statistics about 5% of the population being gay, but I suspect that is conservative at best. After all, if you conduct a survey to discover how many people in a group are gay, it's impossible to calculate the number of people who are hiding it. There are also bisexual people to take into account and various shades of grey inbetween. You’ve been very open about your sexuality which makes you quite visible as a gay person in your school, but there are many other who choose to hide.

The bullying you’re putting up with is completely unacceptable and if school staff are not taking action they’re not doing their job properly. The reason the bullies give for their behaviour is irrelevant, and it should be treated as such by teachers and anyone else. There is no reason to bully anyone - no justification to make someone feel uncomfortable and unhappy as they try to go about their daily lives like everyone else. Try speaking to a favourite, trusted teacher and stressing how unhappy this is making you feel. You don’t have to speak about your sexuality because that’s not what’s important here. If you feel like your complaint is being disregarded, consider talking a relative or other trusted adult. The school has a responsibility to provide a safe environment where all its pupils can flourish. This isn’t happening at the moment, which is a big deal. Remember, focus on the fact that you are being bullied. Do not justify the bullies' behaviour or apologise for being who you are. See the dedicated bullying advice page here for more.

I’ve written some ideas on meeting gay people here. It can be tricky at your age but there are youth groups and online groups. Some colleges and universities also have gay social groups, so it’s not too long a wait until your options open up.

Name [Aaron] Age [19] Gender [M]


I've been with my gf for over a year now and it's been really loving and happy relationship, however I went on a night out a month ago and I meet this guy whom we exchanged numbers. Then later that night he rang me to meet him in town centre, so I did. He asked me to go to hotel with him and it did. ( no need for more details) I regretted it the next day coz I didn't think I was bi or gay, so about a week later he text me again n I did ignore at first but then I went to meet him.

Now I feel really close from my gf and when I'm with her I don't feel attracted to her like a gf anymore.

Hope u have some advice for what I can do



Hi Aaron,

You have to face reality head-on here, out of fairness to your girlfriend and yourself. You didn’t randomly meet someone and have a quickie, you took a man’s phone number, made plans to meet him and then spent the night with him in a hotel. You felt guilty the next day, but your previous actions were deliberate and took time to play out, time enough to have changed your mind at various points. What I’m saying is that you clearly like guys to one extent or the other - this wasn’t a drunken two minutes - and you need to face up to it.

The experience with the man in the hotel has been a turning point, lifting the lid on something you’d been avoiding, and you no longer see your girlfriend in the same way. You need to tell her that your feelings have changed and that the right thing to do is to break up. This gives you both the opportunity to find someone who can make you feel fulfilled and happy. Otherwise, your girlfriend is with a man who can never love her the way she deserves, and you’ll end up sneaking around, seeing men on the side. That’s a horrible and dishonest way to live your life. You’ve done nothing wrong in being gay - it’s just the way you are - but the decisions you make around it and how you handle the feelings of others will define you.

How much you tell your girlfriend is up to you. You may decide not to mention your burgeoning sexuality, or decide to spare her the pain of knowing you cheated. But you should tell her she did nothing wrong.

Name [Claudette] Age [18] Gender [F]

I had my first sex with another Girl. Not sure if it was the right thing to do


Hi Claudette,

It was the right thing to do if it felt good and you were attracted to the girl you slept with.

Who you share your first time with shouldn’t be about the gender of that person. It’s not right for you to sleep with a man if there isn’t one in your life who makes you want to, and certainly if you don’t find men attractive at all. There’s no right way for first-time sex, only that it should be between two people who fancy each other, doing what feels good to them, with no pressure applied.

More information about sex here.