Problem page archive entries:
August 2012

Name [Paul] Age [14] Gender [M]

I have three problems firstly,
I've been having problems with my family lately, because my brother is homophobic but he doesn't know I'm into guys. He always tries to set me up with girls and I keep refusing them, and I think he's starting to think I'm gay because he's calling me a "faggot, gaylord and bumboy". Me and my brother use to be closer than we are now, what should i do?

Secondly, I don't have a dad to talk to, because my dad left when I was 7 years old also my dad runs a club about "Homosexuals feelings" sort of thing. but i dont know if i should get in contact with him and ask him for some advice?

Last but not least,
I have a crush on my sister's, boyfriend's Little brother, hes the same age as me but i get really nervous when im near him also i get very shy around him. i really dont know what to do! PLEASE HELP!!


Hi Paul,

I think it's bonkers that a 14 year old child (sorry!) has to justify, or even define, his sexuality. At all. Some young people haven't hit puberty at 14. Your brother may suspect that you are different and is prompting you to own up to it by teasing you. But whether we're talking about a family member or a complete stranger's curiosity, your sexuality is your business and you have absolute say over who knows about it and when. For all anyone knows, you may simply be a private person who doesn't want to discuss his romantic life, and that's absolutely fine. Your brother has no excuse for bullying you and you should speak to your parents if he won't stop when you explain to him that it hurts you. Your sexuality isn't relevant and is no excuse for name calling and making you feel embarrassed and unhappy. Can you see that the issue here isn't whether you like boys or not, but a matter of being treated properly and with respect by those around you?

Do you have any contact with your father? Since he runs a support/social club for gay people, then I imagine he won't be upset if you speak to him about your sexuality concerns. Indeed, he could be a very useful source of support and insight. Obviously, if his group has an anti-gay or reparative therapy (harmful, unscientific nonsense) angle, then seeking his advice on sexuality is not a good idea.

Also consider speaking to other adult family members who might be supportive, or perhaps a teacher or school counsellor.

Name [Cassie] Age [18] Gender [M]

First off Jason I want to thank you for making this page I have been having a tuff time here lately and the things on your page have helped me. But anyways to my problem, i came out on april 7th 2011 to my mother and since then she and me aren't that close because she doesnt support being guy as a lifestyle of any sort. no matter what i do she is always trying to change me or bring it up in a negative way and when i try to explain to her she just tells me im wrong. Me and my girlfriend have been together for a year and half now and my mother and her still do not get along at all even though my step dad loves me girlfriend and doesn't care that im gay my mother still wont give it up looks for ways to be controlling and make my life hell until i give in a "become straight" again. i feel me and my moms relationship fading but i dont want to give up because she and my step dad are all i have left since my brother died in 2007. i dont wanna leave next summer for school on bad terms. what do i do?

Another problem that i have been having is that i am pretty popular even now that i am in college everyone knows me but no one other than my mom dad and a few close friends know that im gay. i am always worried that people are going to hate me and judge me because of who i am and what i want in life. i have lately been trying to tell myself that i am not gay and that has caused me and my girl friend to fight alot because im trying to push her away so that she will leave me and i don't have to be gay anymore. iv been raised by my mom to look the same and be the same as everyone else and you won't get judged. No matter how how i try i can't get up the courage to be out in public around people i do and even people that i don't know. My girlfriend is ALL THE WAY OUT most deff and im just scared im gonna lose her if i don't find some way to change how i feel and start to love myself and try to change. im am very lost and i am sinking fast, please help me with some words of wisdom.


Hi Cassie,

It must be very draining to deal with your Mum's negative attitude every day, and upsetting that she's let this become a barrier between you and your previously good relationship. She clearly believes that your sexuality is something that you have control over and that by frequently expressing her disapproval you will opt to turn heterosexual, or perhaps carry on being lesbian but conceal it and date guys. It's very sad that a loved family member would want you to live like that instead of embracing who you are and be naturally happy, though I suggest that your mother probably hasn't thought it through in those terms.

This isn't about you changing who you are to fit the template your mother had in mind. This is about your mum accepting who her daughter is and realising that your sexualuty has no bearing on her relationship with you or your chance of having a happy and successful life. Since you have done nothing wrong, how your relationship is left when you go to school is very much down to her. You can't change who you are and you shouldn't have to feel that you need to.

The courage to be yourself, even if that attracted the odd glance from a passerby, will come with age and experience, so don't worry if you're not as bold or as out as your girlfriend. But there's a difference between not wanting to announce it on TV and actively lying about your feelings. The problems start when your lack of courage affects your relationship i.e. you pretend to be straight even in your girlfriend's company. It's very hurtful to be in love with someone who's not even admitting that they are gay.

Many people consider coming out to parents as the toughest part of coming out. You've already tackled that. It may not have gone the way you'd have liked, but your stepdad was supportive. It took real courage to come out at home and to introduce your partner to your folks. Remember that strength you possess the next time you feel like hiding or concealing the truth from people outside of the family home. You are braver than you're remembering and you have two very good reasons to try to be a bit bolder each day: your girlfriend and yourself.

Name [Lost] Age [15] Gender [M]

This probably isnt anything this page hasn't seen but im a fifteen year old guy and obviously gay (not obvious im pretty masculine, but im posting here so i dont think i was expected to be straight) and i couldn't possibly feel more alone and self conscious. I live in Austin texas and its pretty accepting of the hole lgbt community but i am terrified and ashamed of who I am. I HATE seeing another guy and feeling nervous or being attracted to him. I feel sick when I have any thoughts about it really. I used to cope by cutting myself for quite a while before my parents caught onto it. They still don't know and they have questioned me about it multiple times (my sexuality). While i feel like i want to tell them, every time i think i want to my stomach gets knotted. I'm scared. I really want a relationship and to be happy but I always feel so unattractive and ashamed of my feelings. I don't know how to deal with it much longer. I know i need to talk about it before i explode from holding it all in. All i really want is to feel normal. To not be ashamed of who i am and what i feel. And most of all i want someone to understand and know what its like to struggle this much... Any advice? (sorry for typos, did this on my phone at like 2:30 am)


Hi Lost,

I think your email is as much about self-esteem and confidence as much as it is about sexuality. You talk about being unattractive as well as being ashamed of how you feel, so this goes beyond worrying about being gay. Why do you think you feel bad about yourself? Where did that start and where did it come from? You say that that the place where you live is accepting of the LGBT community, and you don't say that your family are anti-gay. Is it safe to assume that the anti-gay feelings are purely your own? If so, why do you think you have an issue with being gay?

Lots of questions. But you can begin to understand yourself and your problems better if you ask them. I get emails fairly often from people who aren't happy about being gay, despite the fact that the people around them are not homophobic - sometimes they're even supportive and accepting. It's a real shame that even when there are no bigots on the scene, a gay person can still feel bad about their sexuality.

You can have a good, successful life as a gay man. You can find love and acceptance. Sure, you'll meet some idiots along the way, but there's no reason you can't have everything a heterosexual couple can enjoy (with the obvious exception of children who are biologically yours and your partners). On this topic, you may find this useful.

Talk to friends, family or adults at school. Do some soul searching and ask those tough questions. Be kind to yourself and know that confidence and self-esteem take time to develop, even for someone without sexuality hurdles to overcome.

You're a good, worthwhile person, Lost. As deserving of happiness and love as anyone else. Don't be a reason not to enjoy life and get the most out of it.

Name [Jack] Age [19] Gender [M]


I don't really know what I'm asking for as I write this, but something is telling me I need help, else I may not be here for much longer. I came out as gay when I was 16 and took a very measured decision of who to tell and who not to tell - and three years on this still troubles me immensely. I half expected my family to despise my sexuality, and to an extent I despise it myself. As a very shy person, whenever asked about 'girls' by my wider family I quickly dodge it and immediately distract attention from myself, however, often it becomes nasty, and without the confidence to express who I really am I struggle with life. I realised how deeply sad and shattered I was when my Nan made a remark accusing me of being a 'poof' at a family meal, to which my Mum and Dad (who I am very very close to) saw my distress and sadness and simply laughed. It was that moment when I began to feel deeply lost and considered taking my own life.

Now, I still hold these dark thoughts, in fact more often than ever and just feel angry at the world for the fact that I am gay. I respect so greatly those who are comfortable and happy with who they are, and wish more than anything that one day I will feel like that too, however, realistically, knowing how I approach life this will be an unlikely outcome.

I'm sorry to write so cryptically, but without the courage to speak aloud about how I feel, this page seemed like a way I could try to communicate my thoughts. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Many Thanks.


Hi Jack,

You came out three years ago, but you don't say how the news of your sexuality was received. An unkind remark was made by your Nan and your parent's reaction was not supportive, but was that moment indicative of your family's general behaviour and treatment of you, or was that an isolated, careless incident on their part? Have you considered that your family don't know the depth of your hurt or how you felt that day? What may have been a throwaway remark to your Nan was devastating to you. Maybe they have no idea.

So perhaps the main issue here is how you feel about being gay, much like visitor, 'Lost', who's reply is above your message.

You accept yourself enough to come out to those closest to you, and you sought their acceptance by doing so. That's a massive achievement and a very positive thing to do. Many people who write in to bgiok feel unable to come out at all, either out of fear of the reactions of those around them or because they're simply not comfortable enough with who they are to tell others. It's important for you to recognise the significance of what you did and what this reveals about how you feel about yourself.

Other things I'd say to you are the same as to 'Lost', about trying to get to the route of why you feel bad about being gay, or why you are unable to accept it completely and see the positive in it. You can start to work on this by asking yourself searching questions about where these negative feelings came from.

It's useful to view sexuality as morally neutral; sexual attraction happens in the natural world and we have no control over it. Being gay or straight has no inherent moral value. Finding men attractive is no more good or bad/evil than feeling that way about women. How you feel about different sexualities comes from the values you attribute to them, and how you let others opinions shape those views. You might feel bad about being gay because you were bullied and told being gay was wrong; because someone you respect and admire has a negative outlook on homosexuality; because a religion you subscribe to has an anti-gay agenda; because you don't like or feel you share the values that gay people in the media seem to represent (promiscuity, crudeness, overt femininity); because family members undermine you on matters of sexuality, so you feel being gay separates you and means you're not taken seriously etc. In short, nobody is born with hang-ups about sexuality. People layer hang-ups on top as they grow up, based on the opinions of others and a complex web of personal experiences, interpretations, learned values and bias.

Only you can figure out why you feel the way you do. It's not a weakness to seek help in unravelling your feelings with the help of a counsellor or trusted adult. Talking to friends can help you to feel better too, whether it's short term steam-release or something more.

You know it's possible to be a happy gay man, as you've acknowledged in your message. You want to feel that way too. With that, and a deeper insights into your current feelings, you'll have a firm foundation for moving forward.

Name [William] Age [18] Gender [M]

Hi Jason

I've encountered one rather strange situation recently. It really puzzles me and I need your help very quickly. (I'm still in the closet if you need to know)

So my story is this: There is this one guy at the gym I go to. He has a really nice body and abs so I kinda checked him out. Somehow, he noticed and later approached me when I left the gym. He talked to me a little bit while we were walking and suddenly asked if I was gay and I (somehow) said yes. I then asked about his sexuality but he said and I quote:" I'm not sure but I want to try the experience". And then, somehow we ended up making out in a public toilet and I gave him a blow-job. He cummed very quickly (I mean very quickly) and then started to look really panicked. He quickly put his pants on and ran away, saying "my brain doesn't accept this. I'm sorry. I have a girlfriend"

So what should I do now? Is he just a sex addict and he tricked me into making out with him because all of this happened in less an hour OR is he really scared of his true self? He is a Muslim so I guess it makes sense if he were scared (He did beg me not to tell anyone about this story because of his family and religion). And I may be wrong but I sense that he really did panicked and his eyes were full of fear. Do you think I should talk to him and help him? Please answer me quickly.


Hi William,

Straight 'sex addicts' don't have sex with men because they're so aroused that they can overlook gender. So it's clear this chap is gay or bisexual. He was obviously very excited and enjoyed the experience. His intense sexual feelings made him bolder than usual and his guilt took a back seat until after the event, when reality came crashing back into focus.

This is a very old tale of someone who's not comfortable with his sexuality and is torn between what he thinks he should do and be - or what he's told he should do and be - and the truth of what his body is telling him. He's afraid and conflicted.

It's up to you whether you make this your problem as well, and I would recommend caution. By all means, be a shoulder to cry on, but you may be inviting a lot of problems into your life if you seek more. It's a cliche, but it really is quite impossible to make anything much work romantically if your significant other doesn't like himself or his nature.

It's not unkind or unsympathetic to consider your own wants and needs: do you want a friendship based around you supporting this relative stranger through his sexuality issues? And do you want the occasional sexual encounter with someone who's going to get upset and run away afterwards? Do you want a project or a boyfriend?

Name [S] Age [19] Gender [M]

Hi Jason,

I'm 19 years old, I am from the UK and I am gay, I have this problem. There's this guy I really like, we met via an online dating site and we've got really close, the problem is each time we agree to meet up, I agree and then later on back out because I'm too afraid of getting hurt, I've been hurt in the past and I can't get over my fear and start a relationship with this person. I've tried ignoring my worries and tried to make a commitment to him but every time we get close I can't help but push him away, do you have any ideas on how I can get over my fear and start a relationship with him


Hi S,

You say that you back out whenever you arrange to meet up, so am I right in suggesting that you haven't yet had a face-to-face meeting and have only conversed online? If I'm correct in that, using words like 'commitment' is premature, and instead you should focus on overcoming your fear of allowing yourself to get to know this guy better.

You've clearly had quite a connection with this man and the fact that you've met online has no bearing on whether a potential relationship with him may or may not flourish. Most of us haven't been lucky enough to meet Mr or Mrs right the first time, and we've all been wounded by circumstances around break-ups. What is stopping you from putting your past experiences where they belong and viewing this new opportunity as a fresh page? The worst that can happen is that he isn't right for you and you end up hurt to one degree or another. It's horrible but you'd get over it. The best that can happen is that you find yourself in a relationship that lasts and you're happier than you've ever been. All because you decided not to cancel a date. A middle outcome sees you gaining a friend, which is great in itself.

You deny yourself the opportunity to find out which way it would have gone if you linger in the past and hide at home. Be brave and start a new chapter.

Name [Jake] Age [16] Gender [M]

I need some help with my parents, I came out to them just over four months ago and I also told them about my boyfriend who I'd been secretly going out with for a while. Told my mum first over the phone cause I couldn't possibly manage telling to her face, she went upset and awkward for a few days used to come back from work and go straight to bed, even missed some nights of work because of it, but even til now she has never spoken to me face to face about it, whereas when my dad found out three days later he had a massive talk with my straight away asking the horrible questions like why? And how? Then he said it was embarrassing to them as parents, said that it was wrong and disgusting and shouldnt be accepted and that i just saw it as a sort of fashion trend and that I wasn't really gay. He then asked about my boyfriend who is the nicest person ever but he claimed he had caused this and that they were upset and annoyed that I had lied to them about who was seeing and the fact that I'd told all my friends and officially come out to everyone including my brother before them, which the only reason that bothered him was because 1. He was 'embarrassed' that everyone knew and 2. If I had told him first they could have 'sorted it out' which I guess means try and stop.

So he banned me from seeing or talking to my boyfriend and also my friends that supported me or in his words 'influenced' me, by taking my phone off me and stopped me from seeing people for ages. Haven't had my phone or been out properly for 4 months now. I've been secretly going on Facebook and communicating with my friends on my iPod but to my parents I haven't really spoken to anyone at all apart from partially at swimming or in exams. My boyfriend has been amazingly supportive he helped me come out to everyone by giving me support and help and just always being there for me, I only get to see him once or twice a week briefly by sneaking out at a period where both parents are at work but it's becoming too risky now, I want to be able to with him properly in a real relationship.

My parents haven't mentioned it since, mum hasn't talked to me at all about it. They're acting normal now but nothing is progressing and it's been 4 months, my friends, boyfriend and brother are trying to help me through it as best as they can but it's got to a stage where there isn't much to do other than leave but I'm trying to avoid that. I thought they wouldn't be too bad because they weren't homophobic and didn't mind gay people at all, but I guess it's different when it's your own son. Friends said to try and talk to an organisation like social services because it is wrong that they are grounding me for being gay, but don't know how and don't really want them involved, so I thought I'd try and seek help because I really don't know what to do. What is the next move now? Some people said try talking to them but I've tried with my dad recently asking when I could have my phone back and he just said 'when you see sense'. And my mum won't even hint or mention it so I don't know how they feel and don't want to cause a big argument again. Don't know what to do.


Hi Jake,

Your parents have gone into the 'sweep it under the carpet and it'll go away' mode. It's quite popular! They see your sexuality as a choice - a fad - that will pass if you aren't exposed to 'bad influences' and are given time to stop being daft and suddenly discover breasts.

You were very brave to come out to your folks and you should have been rewarded with reassurance, acceptance and respect. Instead, you've been placed in an impossible situation: stop being gay or we'll continue to imprison you. Quite bonkers.

In terms of your phone: are you paying the bill? If so, it's effectively been stolen and legally - I imagine - your Dad simply can't take (steal) it. If your folks are footing the bill though, then it's tough. Buy your own phone and then you can speak to who you like. In the meantime, stick to something that is yours and is private, like an email address or messenger. As long as he doesn't mind, you could also borrow your brother's phone for a weekly call to your boyfriend.

I'm sorry to say that I doubt your parents will suddenly see the light. They simply aren't, in the short term at least, going to see homosexuality as okay and your having a relationship with a guy as fine. I think you're going to have to be patient for a bit.

Do not bring up the topic of your sexuality or try to push the issue in any way. Be careful to keep contact with your boyfriend hidden. I don't enjoy telling people to deceive their parents, but I will never tell someone to be miserable, take a straight pill and live up to their parents ideals as the cost of their happiness. You're 16 years old, depending on your folks financial support and their roof over your head, so at the moment it's a case of putting up with their unreasonable behaviour and being patient.

They may, with time, relax their current harsh rules, as long as they're not given any new, fresh reasons to get stirred up. Be calm. Be hyper reasonable. Be the grown up in a house that isn't particularly grown up at the moment. I wouldn't go to social services. Your parents are being unreasonable and downright homophobic, but you're not being abused - you've been grounded. I think it would send the house into absolute chaos if you had concerned looking child protection folks turning up at the front door.

Worst case scenario, they continue to behave unreasonably and refuse to accept the truth, and you hit 18 and can do what the hell you like i.e. off to uni or getting your own place and making your own rules. Your brother sounds terrific, so remember the support you have in him and be positive. Let him help you. Your boyfriend sounds as though he's supportive and understanding too, and he obviously thinks a lot of you. Think of that when the current situation at home gets you down. Think of other sources of support: friends, relatives, teachers - use them. It's not all that long until nobody can put the sort of restrictions and conditions on you that you're putting up with now.

Name [Fernando] Age [28] Gender [M]

Ok, here's the situation, I got a 3 years relationship with a great guy, but he's kinda afraid of getting out of the closet, so our relationship it's complicated and not really public (for example, not going to the movie theater just by ourselves, because someone could suspect).

After 3 years, I find this situation frustrating and not really healthy, I gave him advice about getting out of the closet step by step or move to another city/country, but seems like he's not ready.

So my question is, what I should do, I love him and he loves me, we're stacked, I'm feeling every moment more and more discomforted, so I don't really wanna say bye to him, but I can't continue living this way.

Any advice is welcome.


Hi Fernando,

You are absolutely justified in feeling frustrated with the situation with your partner. Three years is a long time to be somebody's shameful secret. You deserve to be acknowledged and recognised by your partner's friends and family. Never mind the insanity of not being able to go to the cinema with your partner of three years, what would happen if he had an accident and was unconscious or seriously ill in hospital? If nobody knew that you existed and that you are his partner, then nobody would know to contact you. You have managed to come out and be happy with who you are and you should be able to enjoy the freedom that comes from that. You're effectively back in the closet because of your partner. This situation isn't workable long term and it's not unreasonable to state your case and ask for change to begin.

You love each other but things can't carry on as they are. Make sure he understands how important this is to you. You don't want to live a lie. You shouldn't have to. Use your own experiences of coming out to encourage him, and remind him that if it doesn't go so well that he has you; he's not alone in this. If he refuses to come out, then you have a tough choice to make: you keep hold of the man you love but you effectively don't exist beyond your home together. Or you break away and find the acknowledgement and openness on your own and, eventually, with a man who's comfortable enough with himself and courageous enough to talk to anyone who'll listen about his amazing boyfriend.

Name [Tom] Age [25] Gender [M]

I am 25 year old male. I'm working at the moment and currently in the process of getting a house to rent. I viewed this nice house but it didn't appeal to me. The man that showed me was really nice. Anyway he text me yesterday out of the blue and ask me would i like to view it again and i said i had a place got. Then he ask me out for a drink cause he found me really attractive. I was blown away. Im not gay or at least i dont think i am but i have wondered what it would be like to be with another man in the past. What should i do?


Hi Tom,

The only reason you should go on a date with someone who is romantically/sexually interested in you is because you share that interest. If you don't find men attractive then it would be wrong to go on this date.

A lot of people who are straight have casually wondered what same-sex sex would be like (they've told me!), as have plenty of gay people wondered about what things on the other side of the fence must be like, but that's very different to having a genuine, instinctive sexual interest.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with going on a date with this chap if you are curious; if you fancy him a bit but you're not quite sure how big a part of you that is. There are plenty of bisexual people out there and there are no rules about when and with who they find themselves going one way or the other or how much of their interest leans toward either gender. But just be sure to be honest with yourself and with this guy.

Nobody expects to be promised the earth on a first date, but it's not unreasonable for this guy to expect that by accepting a date invite you are at least a compatible sexuality and that that you fancy him.

Name [Anonymous] Age [24] Gender [M]

Hi. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 10 years, we were high school sweethearts. I have always been able to appreciate the attractiveness of other girls and have kissed girls in the past but have still always considered myself as straight. About 4 months ago I began to have feelings for another girl which she has returned. I think I have fallen in love with her and although I still feel a strong love/feelings whatever you want to call it for my boyfriend I find I can no longer have a sexual relationship with him. I cannot talk to anyone about this as none of my family or friends would approve of me being gay. I dream of getting married and having children but don't feel this is possible to do with a girl. My family's approval means a lot to me but is it wrong to put their feelings over mine? I have self harmed on and off since I was 15 and have recently been doing this again as I do not feel I can cope. Any help or advice you could give me would be really appreciated. Thank you very much.


Hi Anonymous,

It is understandable that you might want to put your family's feelings before your own. As a caring person whose family is important to her, you want family members to be happy and to approve of the decisions you make. You want to realise their dreams for you and to not disappoint them. But all that comes with a price when pleasing your family and living up to their ideals means pretending to be someone you're not and denying yourself true happiness.

I'm sure your family - like many peoples' - are fond of the idea of you being with your boyfriend and ultimately getting married and having kids. It's what most of society regards as the normal and healthy thing to do, and it's what makes parents feel that they've done a good job and raised a happy, normal individual. It's a very narrow and rigid model and doesn't allow for the many happy, healthy, functioning family types in our modern times.

Some people live their lives as a kind of performance for their family, playing the part that's expected and paying the price for it. Others do what's right for them, which may stray from the template and turn some heads but undoubtedly leads to greater self respect and strength, and the possibility of far greater happiness and fulfillment throughout life. And it's not always the end of the world to rock the boat and be something the folks didn't foresee.

Whether you are bisexual or lesbian doesn't matter. Your feelings for this girl and your current boyfriend are what's important. Whether you get together with this girl or not, it's clearly unfair to carry on in a relationship with someone who doesn't interest you physically and when your feelings are now directed toward someone else.

Things have changed. You didn't see it coming and you didn't enter into your current relationship with the goal of hurting him. It's not fair to deceive him by carrying on as though nothing has changed, and it seems like a terrible waste to miss out on this new love that's come into your life. It'll take some courage to make the changes and it won't be without some hurt, but I do believe that the only real way to be happy is to be brave enough to face who you are and embrace it.

Name [Lewis] Age [17] Gender [M]


So I've been really struggling with my sexuality for a while now. I always thought I was bi, though I was predominantly straight. I never pursued male partners, though the thought of them would arouse me, and I loved the thought of the male genitals. I always was attracted to both sexes, but only ever had girlfriends, though when I was 14 I fell deeply in love (have NEVER been into someone so much other than him) with a guy in my year, and when he told me he wasn't gay I was honestly heartbroken for months on end and swore I'd never fall for another guy again. I never did fall for another guy, but then none of them ever caught my eye again romantically, though I had some sexual attraction to them. I've had girlfriends since, though no sexual interaction has ever happened, because THEY wasn't ready. I, however, was raring to go.

Flash forward to now, me aged 17 (18 in November). My last relationship ended about 2 years ago, and I'd sort of been drifting from girl to girl. I fell for this girl towards the end of last year and was about to make a move. I then had a minor operation at the beginning of September on a delicate male bit, and upon waking up found that I was no longer attracted to women, and was fully turned on by men.

I don't buy into the whole "the operation turned me gay" thing, because that's a load of crap. Sexuality is predetermined, from birth. People that have near death experiences and then are gay, aren't turned gay by the experience, they've had a traumatic experience which has helped them discover their true self, and thus embrace the sexuality. For me, the struggle was how I could suddenly not be attracted to women anymore. As the months went on I would have some confusion-gay or bi- before having to just accept the cold hard truth that I'm gay.

The past month or so, I've been confused again. Women repulse me. The thought of having sex with a women is absolutely disgusting. I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how repulsed I am by the thought of a vagina! Everything about a man does it for me though. Regardless of whether or not I'm into women, I'm DEFINITELY, 100% sure that I'm attracted to men. I've tried watching Lesbian porn, or "straight" porn, but it really doesn't do it for me. Sometimes I get a bit of a semi with all the passionate kissing and such (maybe on occasion a lesbian video might get me going if it's very passionate) , but the minute they get the down below out, I'm switched off. When I'm out and about in public though, women really catch my eye, and I can't help but eye them up. I still eye up the men, but I pay close attention to the women, even though I have no desire to "tap that". I have a couple of girls that I'm close to, and when we hug, like intensely hug (rubbing of the back, pat of the neck, snuggled in, held tight etc) I do get turned on in that moment, though I couldn't think of them, or any other girls, sexually outside of that instance.

So you can see just why I'm confused. I've asked a few people about this already, and they say the hug thing is just the thought of being touched. If that were true, then surely everyone would set me off? Others have said it's because of the fact I am so close to them. If that's the case, would that not mean I am attracted to them? But then can I be attracted to them without being turned on by women in general? Can I be bi but have to connect with a woman on an emotional level first to be sexually attracted? Then how come this is different with men?

Someone asked me the other day if I think I could ever sleep with a girl. To be honest, I really don't know. I want a girl to cuddle up to, and wake up beside in the morning. I LITERALLY want to sleep with girls but with regards to the actual sex, I'm unsure.

Couple of final points that may or may not be relevant. 1.) Don't let the fact I'm 17 fool you. I am incredibly sophisticated and mature, to the extend where at college I spend most of the time socialising with staff as apposed to students. 2.) There's nothing stereotypically gay about me. I'm just an average guy, and pretty damn masculine. I know gay men come in all varieties, I can accept that, I'm just putting it out there in case it affects my emotions or whatever.

I'd really benefit from some help, but I'd appreciate it if you don't share my email address? Thanks.


Hi Lewis,

Please forgive me if I can't address all your points, but I can certainly offer some food for thought.

What strikes me straight away is that you sound very bright and self-aware. You don't seem lost, or frightened of your feelings; you simply want greater clarity about your sexuality and you're perhaps guilty of analysing yourself too much. In short, you're certainly not in a bad situation and have some good things going for you.

I completely agree with you that surgery can't change a person's sexuality, especially when we're talking about surgery on any other part of the body apart from the brain. Whether brain trauma or a stroke can shift things around inside the skull and awaken a dormant side of a person's sexuality is a matter best left in more capable hands than mine, but you certainly weren't slipped a gay pill while in hospital or hooked up to the wrong IV. I would suggest that the timing is coincidental, and ask you to bear in mind that for some people sexuality can feel as if it shifts focus during the teen years - this is normal. Some people feel this way beyond their 20s, but it's not always clear whether this is sexuality doing its thing or external influences and personal prejudice clouding the truth. The important thing is that you're open and honest with yourself about how you feel, which you are.

We respond to touch. To be a bit crude, if the lights are out and someone is making you feel good, it could be a man or a woman. With the lights on we get to put all our expectations, hang-ups, associations, prejudices and expectations into the mix. That's not to say that we're all bisexual when the room is dark, but the point is that measuring sexuality purely by whether we're stone cold when touched or raring to have sex isn't necessarily going to reveal whether you are absolutely 100% gay or not. What's more telling is the fact that having sex with a woman isn't an arousing thought for you, and that thinking about female body parts isn't appealing at all. Sexual feelings are quite spontaneous and can't be forced or shaped, so it's only going to be useful to a point to watch various types of porn and do experiments on yourself - just go with how you feel and what naturally turns you on. The information that your body is sending you seems pretty clear.

I don't buy it that some guys have to fall in love first, or develop a deep emotional connection, for the sexual stuff to awaken, when it's absolutely not there in the beginning. But it's true that sometimes we find ourselves falling for unlikely people who we wouldn't necessarily have noticed in the street or thought of as physically attractive at the start. It would be a bit odd to begin a relationship on the basis of not fancying that person and not wanting sex with anyone belonging to their gender. Physical attraction is a big part of why people pursue a relationship in the first place. I'd find it surprising if your repulsion toward sexual matters with woman subsides with key people you have got to know well. A deep connection with a woman who you don't fancy or have sexual interest in is known as friendship. I'd be very surprised if your sexuality compartmentalised genders in this way: guys get you going and then, in theory, you might get into them emotionally as things progress, but with women it's the opposite. It sounds too clean and orderly. Sexuality isn't. It almost sounds as if you'd have to try when it comes to woman: try to find her sexy; hope you'll eventually find her sexy; feel you've made progress if her hug this morning makes you tingle; assume you're simply not in love enough yet because she still doesn't turn you on... it shouldn't be like that with anyone you're entering into a relationship with. This stuff is foundation and shouldn't need to be analysed when getting close to someone who excites and attracts you.

For most healthy, happy people, they get together, to whatever level of seriousness or commitment, with people they find sexy and who they have a connection with. It's as simple as that. I know the waters are muddier for you but I think you can simplify the situation based on where your biggest/primary(/sole?) urges are leading you i.e. guys. But if you did meet a woman who made you feel differently then there's no law that says you can't explore that. This isn't about closing doors, but gaining focus and dealing with the evidence that your body is providing.

Labels aren't always useful and you don't need to pin 'gay' on your chest if that doesn't quite fit, or feels restrictive. That's fine. But less analysis, more feeling is the way to go.

Name [Lee] Age [15] Gender [M]

hay, you proberbly dont remember me but a few months before Christmas i sent you message for help in coming out i thought i would send a message to say thank you for all the support your site has given me and i can now say im a happy gay man. And i came out to my mother she was ever so supportive of me still havent told my dad tho so i still have one question to ask you, how do you come out to a former murine who was raised on a army camp with his very homophobic dad? its a pretty tough one so hope you can help me with this.
ps, thank you sooooooo much :3


Hi Lee,

I'm pleased to hear that the the website was helpful and that your coming out to you Mum was a great success.

My Dad is from a traditional, military background. He was a farmer and used to be a dog trainer in the army. It's a bit of a stereotype: the manly military Dad who absolutely won't be okay with a gay son, and it's certainly not uncommon for this to be the case. My Dad wasn't over the moon when I came out at 16, but he's come around over the years and his initial bewilderment was more about his concern for my wellbeing than a deep hatred for gay people.

I don't know your Dad, but I think it would be remiss to write him off as a guaranteed homophobe because of his military and 'manly' background. He may surprise you. Perhaps his homophobic father had the opposite effect on his outlook. After all, he married an open-minded and accepting woman who's been supportive of you. Perhaps this reflects at least a small part of his own nature. Whatever his reaction, you have your Mum to help smooth any bumps and act as a bridge between you and your Dad.

Of course I can't even guess what your Dad might say or do, and you know him best. All the usual advice applies, but try to be open minded and allow yourself to imagine things going right and not just going wrong.

Name [B] Age [15] Gender [M]

I'm writing to you because I am not sure what to do, I am 15 years old and using a friends email, and don't want anyone to know about my problem or my identity. I am a 15 year old boy, i love girls, i have had sex 2 times last year and i want a girlfriend really bad, i am shy and i always find girls on facebook and stuff i tell them i like them and i post i am in a relationship so everyone knows it. my relationships dont usually get that far i screw it up all the time sometimes even before i meet them in person. last year i thought about being gay, everyone thinks i am, but i insist that i am not I have had a couple friends who did stuff with me, when i drink and smoke pot i like it when some guys want to do things to me, i like girls i think about them all the time but when im wasted i like it when my friends want to do stuff to me. I like being touched hugged and held by other guys and truth is even though i have never done things back to them i think i might be gay but i dont want to be, im scared. im always bullied and picked on for a million other reasons. what do i do.


Hi B,

I think you know that alcohol and drugs don't alter sexuality. They simply lower your barriers and allows you to explore parts of yourself that are already there. Why do you think you are gay when you say that you love girls and have had sexual experiences with a few? Could it be that you are bisexual, or are you perhaps not being completely honest with yourself about how you feel about girls? Do girls truly excite you sexually, or have you been doing what you think you're supposed to do? A close friendship with a girl and going through the motions sexually is not an honest romantic relationship. Being able to get some pleasure from sex with these girls doesn't mean that you are straight. Be totally honest and put aside any bias when you ask yourself who and what arouses you. There's no right answer and it's nobody's concern by yours.

I know it's scary to be different, but it's not a sentence to bullying and a lesser existence. You can be happy and you deserve to be. And you can find love and acceptance, in whatever form you need. It's very hard to feel good about yourself when cruel individuals are telling you you're less than they are. Please seek help with the bullying situation. My dedicated section can help you further.

You did an amazing thing by speaking about your situation in your email to me. It shows that you are aware of your feelings and want things to be better. With a little more bravery you could address the bullying, thereby making your daily life much less stressful and frightening. This then gives you breathing space and peace to gently work things out with your sexuality. Don't analyse and obsess; the answers will come if you're honest with yourself and don't try to force yourself into any action that doesn't feel right.

Name [Danny] Age [15] Gender [M]

Hi, I'm Bisexual and I met this guy on camp with cadets and have become really attracted to him and want to ask him out. As far as I'm aware he's Bisexual also but I'm not sure whether to ask him out or not. We talk quite a lot but we live over an hour away so seeing each other would be difficult (but I would arrange to see him regularly). I've only known him for about a week so do you think he would find it weird if I was to ask him out because of this? and how do I ask him out?


Hi Danny,

I don't think it's weird to ask someone out who you haven't known for very long. You feel attracted to him and by choosing not to act you may be missing out on something great. When anxious about anything it's always useful to imagine the worst case scenario. By doing that you will come to see that you could handle it. In this case, the worst thing that could happen is that he says no.

Try not to worry about logistical problems such as how far apart you live. An hour's travel is manageable if two people are enthusiastic about each other and it'll become easier when you're older and have more transport options.

Go for it. You have nothing to lose.