Problem page archive entries:
April 2013

Name [Drew] Age [21] Gender [M]


My name is Drew, im an 21 years old gay male.

so ive had a very easy life with the whole gay thing and my family and friends. Ive been "out" since i was 13. and ive never been afraid of being who i am.

any ways lets just get strait to the point. so i need your advice and feedback on what i should do. i dont know if this website is for this. but i dont know where else to turn.

about 4 months ago my best friend hannah starting dating one of my guy friends. so we had starting going over to his house alot. and there was always alot of guys there, so i was in heaven. Now hear me out. i read the whole falling for a strait guy thing you have on the website. and ive already dealt with this demon. twice before actually. so i had my guard up and i know what i should never do again. but anyways, we were there all the time. and like i said there was alot of guys hanging out and having fun with us, no one ever seemed to care that i was gay.

well i meet a guy by the name of josh there shortly after we had started going over there. and he was so hot, but i knew he was strait so there was no point in even flirting a little with him. well for some reason, josh and me just hit it off as friends. and it was great we went over to Tyler's all the time and josh was there alot of that time. so about one month had passed and mine and josh's friendship had grown. well this is around the time that thing started to get weird. like i said before. i had already decided that i wasn't going to open myself up again and flirt. all to just get shot right down. so i hadn't up to this point, but josh was starting to act weird. like for example, he would ask to hang out just me and him. he started sending (: & ;) faces when we texted. when we were together he would just flirt with me. and believe me i know what flirting is. so i did the only logical thing i could think of. i asked my girlfriends to watch when we were together, and do y
ou wanna know what they told me? They told me he was indeed flirting.

so at this point i was dumbstruck, was this really happing to me? so i took a deep breath and decided to flirt back.

around 2 months has past since then. and ive spent around everyday with josh. we have never kissed. never held hands nothing. we just flirt and flirt. all day, all night. so i was getting rather annoyed with the whole thing. i mean come on! when does this ever happen? um never. And i was getting fed up because he would flirt with me then he would also flirt with girls on facebook, and Guys! So at this point i had decided he has to be bi. Or something! So we were all as a group hanging out drinking. and me and josh had been flirting alot more than than ever before, we were wrestling and our hands where almost always touching. anyways. so i apparently got really really drunk, so my driver took me home. when i got home i realized i had missed a call from josh even though i had just said good bye to him and i had a voice mail. well i listened to the voice mail and its pretty much him drunkly said goodnight and to call him back. i waited a few and while i waited my mind got the better of me. so i called him back and i just blurted out the seconded he answered that i liked him. then to my horror my voice played back to me because i was on speaker phone. and josh was still hanging with all his friends. i heard him cuss then take me off speaker and he says to me, look drew i like you as a friend but that's is. then he hung up. i was so shocked i didn't know what to do. so i fell asleep crying. the first thing the next day i woke up and texted him letting him know i was so sorry for telling him that. and he just said back its okay drew were good. i didn't talk to him for around 4 days. which wasn't normal for us, all the while im kicking myself in the ass for what i had done. then out of the blue he texts me saying come over to Tyler's. but i couldn't because i was working. i let him know and he didn't text me back. well that night i went over to a different friendâ s house but it was someone who was there the night i called josh. he was actually in the room and heard me say it. so were all hanging out and randomly he pulls me to the side and was like hey. sorry about what happened when you called josh the other night. i didn't know what to think. then he says but i know something that might cheer you up. so i say what and he tells me this.

so when you called josh you were on speaker phone and he was in front of all his friends and as you already know he said he didn't like you. but later that night josh pulled me to the side and told me that he actually does like you, he just didn't think you liked him and that he was scared because he was in front of everyone.

at this point i couldn't breathe.

and then he told me to just talk to him about it. I of course being me, didn't. what was i spouse to say? hey i know you said you didn't like me, but i heard you did? um no. but the next day he randomly hit me up and the past few weeks me and josh had hung out almost everyday again. but this time its just me and him, no one else. we go out to eat, to the movies. we got matching shirts for god sakes. but then about three days ago we are just hanging out and josh drops the oh guess what?!? i have a girlfriend bomb. my heart stoped. ( and i was driving, not fun)i wanted to stop the car and start crying, but i didnt i put on a smile and congratulated him. i make up some random excuse for why i need to go home and then i drop him off. he calls me literally 10 minutes later, and say hey drew, look im sorry about everything, and i really like you alot. and hung up.i didn't know if he meant just as a friend or more.we texted all night long tell i fell asleep and again when i woke up. and every day since. but here what this all boils down too and why i need your help. im am scared to death about talking to him about how i really feel and what ive heard. i would never say anything while hes in a relationship. but i don't know what to do. what if hes not even bi? what if hes just that comfortable in his own skin? i hate to say it but im in love. and i cant lose him as a friend. but i cant live my life saying what if, and not taking the chance. I know thst situations like this really donâ t ever work out in our favor. But I really need to know the truth. Can you help me with what to say, how to say and when. I donâ t want to mess up what little (if any) chance that I do have

please just help me out here im desperate.

with regards,



Hi Drew,

I think the decisions have been taken out of your hands for now, painful as I know that is. Josh has, in theory, decided that he feels most strongly for the girl he’s now with and chosen to exclude other romantic possibilities in order to be in this new relationship. His apparent bisexuality is not relevant now because he’s with someone. Speculation and hopefulness will drive you a bit barmy if you don’t try to give yourself a break. I know things are never as neat and tidy as this, but it’s best you now draw a line in the sand and accept the new rules: he’s a good, close friend, who you clearly share a bond with, but he cannot be anything more.

It sounds as though Josh is a fairly open chap who’s not afraid to explore his feelings. He’s spent a lot of time with you and you’ve both flirted and enjoyed a level of closeness that not all friendships reach. He doesn’t strike me as a messed-up closet case who’s forcing himself into a heterosexual role to keep his folks happy. It sounds as though he’s chosen a girl he likes and made the decision – which may have been a hard one – not to pursue a romantic relationship with you. And if I’m wrong and he is squeezing a round peg into a square hole and is hung-up on conformity, all you can do is let him know he has a friend and watch the internal struggle unfold. But don’t betray yourself by waiting around for Josh for years and missing out on guys who are romantically available and eager to snap you up.

Josh sounds like a decent chap; a good friend. At no point has he teased or been cruel – he didn’t take advantage or play with your feelings in order to experiment sexually. There seems to be a mutual respect within a friendship worth maintaining. Don’t cling to it for dear life, though. Allow him the space to either have a great time with his girlfriend or to discover it’s not for him. And in the meantime, don’t put your life on hold or miss out on new opportunities and experiences.

Name [Michael] Age [19] Gender [M]

I'm going to be 20 in three weeks and it's eating away at me that I haven't come out to my family yet. I've known that I'm gay and accepted it for four years now. A few friends from home know and I'm pretty open about it at university, but I've never had the courage to tell my parents. They're not homophobic, but they're not exactly accepting either. I don't think they'll be angry in any way. I just don't want to let them down. My mum and grandma are always talking about my wedding day and asking me if there's anything between me and my female friends, and then why there isn't. And the guys in my family are sports lovers and I think my dad doesn't really know how to be with me. I've rambled on for ages now, apologies. I just have no idea what to do anymore.


Hi Michael,

On the positive side, you don’t think your parents will be angry and they are not homophobic. That’s more than a good start, and something many people who write in to bgiok can’t claim. I remember when nan/aunt used to visit and being asked about girlfriends and sodding weddings. Every. Single. Time. And that was before puberty! We’re all so thoroughly programed to think in terms of shacking up with someone and making babies, as if it’s the only thing we’re on the planet for, the sole measure of success, and that we’ve failed somehow if we’re not booking the caterer by the time we’re 15. But it’s 2013 and families come in all shapes and sizes. It’s not as if your mum and nan are dragging you to the church, and what they’re really saying is that they want you to be happy: to find someone who loves you and for you to have all the positive things that a special relationship brings. It’s annoying but it comes from a good place. Of course you’d stop getting these queries if you came out, so until you do you’ll have to tolerate people assuming that you are straight.

We don’t choose our family. My brother is the complete opposite of me. I’m creative and into my computer stuff, while he’s into sport and plays darts. I love to cook, he loves KFC. We’ll never be soulmates or have much in common, but he’s my brother and I know he cares. I’m sure your brothers and dad love you, even if they’re not as good at expressing themselves or are as sensitive as you are. If you’d like to connect more with family members, try to find some common ground, an activity to do together or even just something on TV you both like and can watch together. Some personality types just don’t gel well with other types, and in family life we can sometimes find ourselves living with people we are never going to gel with, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find some aspect you relate to and enjoy in each other. That love that family members have for each other isn't about how much you have in common or whether you find the same jokes funny etc.

I think coming out would be good for you. It’ll break down barriers in the household and explain more about who you are to people who you may have grown apart from as you’ve become an adult. Perhaps because you’ve been concealing so much of yourself you’ve grown apart from you Dad; you’re no longer the child he used to be able to easily figure out and relate to. Coming out will halt speculation about your sexuality and stop any further teasing about weddings. It’s a statement about who you are, a redefining of dynamics and expectations, that could open the family home up to closer and more honest relationships. It’ll allow you to fully embrace who you are and to thrive instead of subdue your personality. See my coming out advice in the dedicated section.

Name [Stuart] Age [30] Gender [M]

Hello Jason

I am 30 years old, I have fancied young men since I was at school, it seems I always fancy straight good looking young muscular men under 30. Every time I see a pic of a young men with ripped abs I get a hard on. I have pictures on my bedroom wall of men with great body's and ripped abs. I have kissed a man before at school and liked it but never had a boyfriend.

What do I do? My mother & father hate gays I haven't come out to them yet I still with them, I am worried they will chuck me out when I tell them. I have nowhere to go if they do. I can't afford to move out. Hope you can help.



Hi Stuart,

You are stuck in a rut. You know you find men attractive and must be keen to explore that beyond your posters and daydreams. But you live with your folks, worrying about their reaction to your being gay and that they might even make you homeless over it - concerns that usually belong to much younger people. Is there a reason you’re still living with your folks? Why are you not yet financially independent? Is this situation temporary? If not, why not? It’s especially important if the family home is not supportive to make a plan to get yourself set up on your own. This will give you the freedom to explore your sexuality without having to sneak around. You sound as though you’re stuck in a kind of limbo at the moment, unable to express yourself and afraid of judgement. It’ll be harder to find someone under these circumstances and even harder to make a long term relationship work if you are unable to move out of a homophobic environment.

On the flipside, perhaps there are very good reasons why you live with your folks and will be doing so indefinitely. In this case you have to think creatively around the problems: how can you meet guys and explore your sexuality while living at home. Life would be easier, even if they weren’t delighted about it, if you were honest about your sexuality with your parents. After that, there would be no surprise when you talk about going out to meet men and you’d sidestep annoying questions about not having a girlfriend yet, and so on. If you feel you absolutely can’t reveal your sexuality at home (and your posters haven’t already tipped your folks off!) you’ll just have to be discrete. It doesn’t mean you can’t meet guys online on sites like outeverywhere, and arrange dates. There may also be some gay venues, clubs and groups in your area. Do some research. Think about jobs or further education. You might consider getting a student loan and moving away for university etc. Take your life off hold.

Name [Steve] Age [18] Gender [M]

I am having issues as I have recently come out to my parents and they aren't reacting well. My mam put me under 'house arrest' today so i couldnt go into college?! She has also told me that she is going to take my college tutor to court. I feel this is abit extreme as she is the one who has helped me through alot and listens to me.

Im not sure how to calm my parents down and make it easier to interact, as it is bringing alot of tension to the household, especially with my 4 brothers.



Hi Steve,

Putting an eighteen year old under house arrest is bonkers, but you don’t need me to tell you that. It’s clear that your mum thinks you’ve been subjected to influences that have shaped or steered you down a road she doesn’t approve of when, in fact, you’ve found support from your tutor that you likely knew you wouldn’t get at home. But try not to panic. Your tutor hasn’t done anything wrong by being attentive and fulfilling his/her role and duties. I imagine your mother is angry and firing off statements that she doesn’t really mean. But when the dust has settled – and don’t do anything to provoke her into further outbursts – you still have an unreasonable mother to deal with. She clearly believes that by keeping you at home and threatening those she feels have led you astray she can stop you being gay. It won’t be easy to re-educate her and, right now, I wouldn’t attempt to. It’s going to take time for your mother to realise that ‘gay’ isn’t who you talk to or the places you go, but is a part of your nature and not something she, or anyone, can change.

Let the subject drop for now. You’ve come out, which is a brave thing to do, and you’ve done nothing wrong by wanting to be acknowledged. But it’s clear that you won’t be able to chat about boys at the dinner table any time soon. The focus needs to be on having a normal, hassle-free life where you have the freedoms that other eighteen year olds do. If you have to bite your tongue for a while in order to create a better environment for yourself, then I’d take that hit. It won’t be forever. The worst case scenario is that you may have to be careful around certain topics until you move out on your own. Having a home environment that would rather you weren’t gay doesn’t mean you can’t discretely socialise with who you like and still meet new people. After all, you’re not a child and cannot be imprisoned. As time goes by your mother will have to decide whether she wants to try to accept your sexuality so that she can be a significant and positive presence in your life.

Name [Amy] Age [?] Gender [F]

Hello Jason,

I need help with how to tell my Nan I have a girlfriend. I don't look at other girls and think that they are 'fit' or anything like I would at a guy but I had been speaking to this girl for five years online and we've finally met up and realised we do actually have feelings for each other and are now in a relationship. She comes round but I have told my Nan she is just a friend from college but I want it to be out in the open because I am the happiest I have been now that I am with her. I live with my Nan as my Mum passed away eight years ago and because she's older she has negative views on gay people, she doesn't like to see it on the tv or anything. I'm not really bothered about what others say but I am about my Nan because we have been through a lot and I don't want to lose her as she is my everything. But another problem is that my girlfriend lives three hours away from me, so not only is it a gay relationship it's long distance too, so I don't know how to explain that part either. It's really hard because I want to share my happiness with my Nan but I don't want her to reject me or make things harder for me to see my girlfriend.

I just wanted to say that your site has really helped me, and I am so thankful that there are people like you willing to help as I have felt so alone in all of this because it is really new to me.
I understand that you are busy with many emails but if you could help me it would be really appreciated, thank you.



Hi Amy,

It sounds like you have a wonderful nan who you have a great relationship with. It’s natural that you want to spare her any upset or disappointment, but you have to balance that against your need to be open and honest about your sexuality. I tend to think it’s usually best to be honest unless that honesty puts the person in danger or at risk in some way, or if life would just become so difficult that the person coming out couldn’t function in a normal and healthy way. You don’t say how old you are in your message, but do you really think your nan would prevent you from leaving the family home to see your girlfriend if you were to come clean about her? The news of your same-sex relationship may not be what she imagined for you, but there’s a big difference between being displeased and attempting to control your life and trap you at home.

The needs to come out to your nan will become a more pressing issue as your relationship with your girlfriend progresses i.e. if you decide to move in together or start a family. So it’s really a case of ‘when’ not ‘if’ and then dealing with her reaction as best you can. Your nan may surprise you: switching channels when a gay character comes on TV is a reaction that may not be evoked upon discovering someone she loves, who she’s known for a long time, isn’t straight. Think of the empathy and support she’s provided in the past and try to be positive.

Another issue, and one of practicality, is the long distance between you and your girlfriend. You don’t need me to tell you that it will be tough in the long term and it’s worth giving some thought to how you might be closer. There’s no need to rush into commitments, no matter how close people live to each other, but I think a relationships is more likely to thrive and be all it can be if you can see each other easily. I hope it all works out for you.

Name [Beth] Age [18] Gender [F]


About 6 months ago I came out to my Mum and my Dad. My Dad was fine with it where as my Mum just stopped speaking about it and just cried and got mad when I tried to mention it. I left it, not wanting to cause any more upset, but I kind of thought me telling them would mean I live more openly but my Mum's reaction is making me hide it even though I've been open with friends for the last couple of years. She asked me not to tell my sister or extended family and she couldn't understand why I had told my friends, she was very concerned about people finding out. I have tried to give her time and not mention it but she acts like I never said anything. I don't want to upset her and make her more embarrassed but I feel like she's never going to accept it. I've tried giving her time but she still won't talk about it or acknowledge it even happened and its really hard. I was just wondering if you had any advice? I'm hopefully leaving for University this September but I want to tell my sister and family before I leave but I don't want to embarrass my Mum or make her upset. I understand that its hard but I really want her support and to know that me being open isn't going to make things hard for her. Ironically, coming out has made being open about things even more complicated haha!

Thank you in advance! :)


Hi Beth,

It’s sad that your mother has reacted the way she has. It’s selfish to expect you to hide the truth and compromise you daily life in order to spare her embarrassment. This can’t continue in the long term, especially if you were to meet someone and get into a serious relationship. People would find out, whether you or your mum tell them or not. It is your decision whether to tell your sister – or anyone – about your sexuality, and not for your mother to decide or attempt to control information that belongs to you.

This likely all sounds as though I’m criticising your mother, and to a degree I am because she’s not being fair. But I also completely understand her pain. It’s not her fault that she exists in a world where ideas of happiness and success are all bound up in heterosexuality. She Wants the best for you and, for her, that means a man and babies. She’s being asked to let go of an image she had of you and your future, and this isn’t something she’s yet willing to do. But you can’t change, nor should you have to, and she has no choice but to adjust her expectations. You can’t do anything to speed that process up and I think that raising the issue at this time won’t get you anywhere. Give it time.

I think the break from the family home that university will offer is going to be a positive thing for both of you. You, because you’ll meet new people and be in an environment that’s more open and accepting, and her because she’ll have plenty of time to absorb your news and hopefully consider a more positive outlook i.e. my daughter can be happy in a different way than I expected, but happiness is what's important.

Your mum’s reaction is far from ideal and you may need to be patient for a long time, but don’t let this one aspect of your coming out derail and deflate you. Continue to tell who you want to tell. Live your life and conduct yourself in the way that makes you happiest. I dare say there are much more positive reactions on the horizon, and some amazing new people and experiences waiting at university. Be positive. You haven’t done anything wrong by wanting to be honest with your mum and you are not responsible for the negative attitudes of others.

Name [Hannah] Age [17] Gender [F]

Hey Jason,

I have a few problems, I recently came out (about 5 months ago) as bisexual to my family, most of them have all been really nice and supportive about it (not including my sister and auntie) but since then I've been questioning it and would say I'm lesbian! I'm now scared to tell any of my family in case they think I'm trying to wind them up or just saying it for attention or something like that! I also am desperate to tell my friends, but I'm scared of their reaction and I really wouldn't know how to tell them as i'm like the 'quiet' one out of my group of friends:/ Its constantly playing on my mind at the minute and im tbh I'm not sleeping and I have started harming myself, I feel I need to tell everyone to feel normal again but I just don't know how to!

Thank you for taking the time to read this!



Hi Hannah,

I often advise people who write to me not to rush into pinning a label on themselves. Labels can feel restrictive, as though once you’ve told people about your sexuality you give yourself a list of rules to stick to and other peoples’ expectations to shoulder. We learn more about ourselves all the time, especially during the teen years when sexuality asserts itself and, as importantly, we develop the confidence to express it. You once felt that you were bisexual, I assume, because you found both guys and girls attractive or perhaps you were just unsure. You now feel that you are lesbian and want to set the record straight - so to speak - with those whom you have already come out to. You’re just getting to know yourself, like everyone else, and you understand yourself better today than you did a few months back - that’s all. You haven’t done anything wrong or deliberately miseld anyone.

Some people feel that coming out as bisexual is easier than gay because those who have a negative outlook on homosexuality may take some comfort from the fact that their relative or friend might get into a conventional relationship after all. Some cynical folk might even claim that the person was gay all along and was testing reactions by taking a perceived easier route to coming out. I don’t know how your family will react, but it’s always good to be prepared for some daft responses and ready to have to be the one with the level head. But this is about your desire to be honest and open with those close to you and that’s a positive, healthy and worthwhile thing. Be brave!

You may find the dedicated coming out section useful when it comes to revealing your sexuality to your friends.

Name [JJ] Age [15] Gender [M]

Hi Jason,

I've thought that I'm gay for the past few years now. I've had a really close internet friend who has gone through the same thing which has helped me a lot. My mum is gay herself.

I've recently grown a little older, becoming more mature and I find myself getting upset all the time. I've not told anyone that's not an online friend. I feel like I want to come out, I want to be able to look for someone to be in a relationship with. I feel like I'm lacking it that and that's what upsets me.

Most of my friends are in relationships, happy and I'm there alone. I've never been in a relationship. My friends always ask me, have you ever had a girlfriend and I say no, they ask me why and I just say I've never had anyone like me.

I'm not scared about coming out, I'm just nervous. I can't imagine it. It doesn't feel like something I can handle but I think that if I don't, I can't have a relationship because i'm young.
I don't know what to do, it's just gaining on me.



Hi JJ,

There’s no rule that says you have to have met your one true love and have everything planned by the age of 15. Heck, some of us go on searching for that special someone for a lot, lot longer. Not all straight teens have the wedding venue booked! I know it’s lonely sometimes, but these happy couples don’t have all the answers and they don’t have life all sorted, solved and perfected. Being in a relationship has its own set of troubles and challenges. Try to be patient.

As a young gay person it’s harder to find a partner because a lot of your fellow gay students are exactly like you: in the closet and hidden away, scared of what will happen if they come out and searching for the courage to take that step. It’s certainly easier to be exposed to potential boyfriends and girlfriend if you are straight since the majority of people are straight too. But you can bet that there are many gay and bisexual people in the same situation as you, and you likely walk past them in the corridor every day without even knowing it, just as they walk past you.

So a good place to get life moving in the direction you’d like is to come out. It sounds like you are ready and just suffering from nerves. As someone whose sexuality is more public your chances of encountering other gay people increases. You become more visible. Maybe even some of your friends know other gay people who they could introduce you to. By coming out, even just to your closest friends at first, you remove the block that prevents you from experiencing new opportunities and ideas. And don’t overlook your mum when you want support and input. Having a gay mum is about as ideal a situation as I can imagine for someone with your concerns.

See my coming out section for more.

Name [Zachary] Age [12] Gender [M]

Dear Jason

i'm a 12 year old boy trying to find someone that understands. i want to come out to my parents and friends, but can't. i'm already being bullied at school, and the reason why i'm being bullied, is because they are starting to find out that i'm gay!i really need someone to help me, my friend adrian came out about being gay, but he was killed 5 days later, well he committed suicide. i don't want to end up like him! sorry for the bad spelling and grammar,



Hi Zachary,

It’s very sad that anyone should feel so unhappy or desperate that they think they have no option but to take their own life. Your friend was very brave to be open about his sexuality in an environment that is hostile toward non-straight people. His life may well have improved with time and it’s very sad that he’s not able to find out. Your current worries may feel colossal and impossible, but life moves on and changes. You’ll cope and adapt, make plans and find solutions. As an adult, the world is much bigger than the life of home and school that you find yourself in now. But you have to stick around to find out and you have to face the crappy stuff to get through to the good stuff.

Your immediate problem is the bullying you’re facing. The reason the bullies use for their treatment of you is irrelevant, and getting help with the bullying does not have to involve confirming your sexuality to anyone, or even speaking about it. The relevant issue here is that you’re not safe in school. It is your school’s job to make sure you and your fellow students have a safe environment where you can thrive. You have to tell a member of staff what is happening to you. Again, this does not have to involve you stating your sexuality. Sexuality is not what’s relevant in a homophobic bullying case, any more than being black is a discussion point in racist bullying. You may be asked to tell the staff member some of the words being used by the bullies but, again, this is a list of hurtful words chosen by mean people and not an admission of your sexuality. You are in control of that information and it’s yours to share if and when you choose. Please ask for help today. Read the bullying section for more advice.

As for coming out, it would seem best to only confide in a school counsellor (assuming they treat sessions as confidential), your most trusted friend or consistently supportive family member, or consider leaving it completely for now - you have enough to deal with in addressing the bullying. Going forward, you have to think realistically about the environment you are in and how it treated your friend. Was he prone to depression or were people so awful to him that he felt he couldn't cope? It makes no sense to reveal your sexuality in an environment that’s going to make life impossible and miserable. In that case it’s best to wait until you're older and perhaps even think about moving away to college or higher education or for an interesting job offer. Regardles of whether you stay in your home town or not, as an adult you'll be better equipped to deal with the issues around coming out in a less than inviting environment. It’s awful that anyone should have to compromise themselves like this, but safety has to come first. Choosing not to share personal information with people doesn’t make you a liar.

I’m not in the habit of telling 12 year old readers that it’s a phase, but I will point out that you are very young and your feelings will more fully form and manifest as time goes by. People don’t magically wake up straight one day - much as many adults wish their kids would - but you may find there are more layers to your sexuality than it seems now. There’s no rush and nobody is asking you to engrave your preferences in stone today. Take your time.

Tell someone about the bullying as soon as possible.

Name [Dill] Age [20] Gender [M]

Note: The below email from Dill wasn't sent as a problem page email but I think there is value in posting it and my reply here. Emails that Dill sent subsequently showed that he was not interested in trying to see things from a gay person's point of view and had already made up his mind, which is a shame. Getting emails like that remind me why I built the website in the first place. I stopped replying to Dill at that point and focussed my attension back where it's not wasted: writing replies for this page. [Jason]

Okay, well first of all I have some basic questions.
I am writing a paper on homosexuality.
I need views from someone who supports it. Personally the idea is crazy, so asking myself the motives would be biased.

+ why do people prefer homosexuality over heterosexuality.
+ what gives them the authority to make that choice.
+ why do gay people call it a push for equality ( it has nothing to do with equality, just defiance).

Those are just small talk, just wondering! Thanks


Hi Dill,

I'll do my best to address your points, but I'll start by saying that I don't 'support' homosexuality. That would be like supporting brown hair or a good sense of humour. This website aims to advise those who are gay or bisexual - or think they might be - around the sort of problems they tend to face in today's world. It's about supporting people. Sexuality is a part of someone that cannot be opted in or out of and only comes under scrutiny and has value judgements made on it because individuals and groups choose to.

+ why do people prefer homosexuality over heterosexuality

They don't. Or at least, I've never met anyone who has said they do. Many gay people have always known they were gay and have no basis for comparison between being gay or being straight. Those gay people who force themselves to live as straight would, I'm sure, much rather live in an environment where they felt they didn't have to deceive others and deny themselves real emotional and sexual fulfillment. To talk about preference you're talking about choice. There is no choice. I've never met anyone who has claimed to have been able to choose. I suppose bisexual people, who are able to find both men and women attractive, may make choices about partners based on gender bias - i.e someone likes both guys and girls but always chooses girls to avoid criticism - but I've not met anyone yet who has admitted as much. Romantic choices should always be based on who a person finds attractive, and not about who friends or relatives thinks is acceptable based on gender. That's not how people find themselves in happy, healthy and honest relationships.

+ what gives them the authority to make that choice

Sexuality is not a choice. I did not choose to find men attractive. Even if it were a choice, I have authority to make such choices about my personal life; nobody else should get to be involved in a decision over the gender of an adult I have a relationship with. And, I hope, people have better things to do than attempt to govern my love life. When I was 14 and first realised I was gay, I'd have given anything not to be. Life was hard and I was badly bullied. But I was a young gay man and had no say in it. The world around me decided how hard or easy it was going to be. Why would any young and frightened person choose the harder path?

+ why do gay people call it a push for equality (it has nothing to do with equality, just defiance)

Using the word 'defiance', again, suggests a conscious decision to go against the norms of society and provoke people. That's not the case. Gay people merely want the same rights as straight people when it comes to relationships, the workplace etc. so that they have the same opportunities and potential to thrive. It really needn't take much of a shift simply to treat people the same and afford them the same rights. Jane Bloggs down the street living with her girlfriend is only as impactful to someone else's life as they choose it to be. I'm sure Jane is happy to get on with her private life without scrutiny or having to justify and defend what comes naturally to her. Personally, it can be frightening and intimidating to have negative attention. The alternative, presumably, is to live a lie in order to keep nosy neighbours and strangers in the street happy. Defiance brings attention, and the majority of gay people, like the majority of straight, want quiet and peaceful lives.

I hope this helps you to understand or perhaps to highlight that there's nothing much to understand. It's just people trying to make the best of their lot, seeking fairness and acceptance, and to live their lives without fear.

Name [Victor] Age [18] Gender [M]

Well I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now, and i love him dearly. i usually go to his house after school, and i spend the day with his family. The problem is that i developed a crush on his brother. He's 2 years younger then me, and is Bisexual. We don't have much in common, but he is very sexy, and i can't help but like him. Not only that, he's starting to show signs that he likes me too.

I just have this warm feeling when i'm around him, and whenever he's not looking, i check out his crotch. not only that, i can't help but wanna snuggle with him.

No, this is horrible! I love my boyfriend with all my heart, and maybe he's not as hot as his brother, but we have everything in common, and there is no one in the world i feel more comfortable around!

i'm just so confused why im feeling this way. my boyfriend and I could spend hours talking about random crap, and have a blast! then this dude with this charming personality, immaturity(in a cute way), and hot body, comes out of no where, and takes a big bite out of my heart.

but why am i feeling this way, and how can i stop it?

thanks Jason


Hi Victor,

It’s quite romantic and idealistic to think that when we find someone we love our sexual and romantic feelings absolutely never flicker in someone else’s direction. I’ve been happy and in love but still noticed the sexy guy at work etc. It doesn’t make you a bad person to notice other guys and to have the occasional daydream. You can’t walk around with your eyes on the floor and you are bound to respond to other people in a variety of ways - we’re just animals, after all.

You seem to be happy and in love with your boyfriend so I wouldn’t beat yourself up over fancying his brother. It’s not like you can stop it. Only you can decide how much value there is in whether someone is a few degrees better looking, but that seems like a very shallow basis for making decisions about relationships. Out of respect for your boyfriend and to prevent misunderstandings, you should conduct yourself accordingly: no flirting or suggestive talk with this chap. Make sure any signals you send out are those of friendship only, or he may just end up thinking his brother is dating someone who’s not good enough for him. Remember what’s most important to you and don’t take it for granted.

Name [Hayden] Age [16] Gender [M]

Hi Jason,

I really need some advice. 

I'm definately gay, I know that for sure, but I can't handle it. I've fallen into depression because of it, my grades are dropping and i've looked toward suicide at times. I have panic attacks/nervous breakdowns and had to leave class so I feel like people think I'm a freak and I feel so isolated. A few of my friends know and are OK with it but everything they've said hasn't made me feel any better, and my family don't even know that i'm depressed so I can't talk to them. 

I've got it into my head that this is a bad thing, I look at couples in jealousy because I want that but being gay makes it feel like I will never have that because I'm the only one going through this. I feel scared to come out openly for fear of being bullied and/or lossing or feeling awkward with my family. 

And so I ask for your advice on what to do, someone that has been through it.

Thank you.


Hi Hayden,

I’ve also lived with mental difficulties so I know how hard it can be. Confidence issues and worries around your sexuality has left you feeling crippled and unsure of what to do. Firstly, I’d urge you to read the content throughout the website, especially the mental health information.

If you have planned to take your own life then you really do need to seek immediate help. Talk to a teacher, school counsellor, family member or other trusted adult. The Samaritans are also good to keep in mind for moments when you may be feeling desperate.

You need to seek treatment for your depression: speaking therapies and possibly medication. The decision to take medication is a personal one. You may find it helpful in the short term to balance out your moods and enable you to focus on your problems and find a more positive way forward. You also need help with your anxiety problems, which so frequently affect those who are also suffering from depression. These issues can become a cycle that’s hard to break from: you feel depressed and hopeless because of your anxiety, and your worries and dark mood make you anxious. Simply, you’re not very well at the moment and you can’t deal with it alone. There is help there and you are not the first person to have these problems. Please make an appointment with your doctor who can help you make decisions about medication and other treatments. Your appointment would be confidential.

On the positive side, you have found the courage to come out to some friends who have accepted the news and perhaps attempted to try to make you feel better. This is a wonderful start. If their acceptance or support isn’t making you feel better about your situation it’s because of the depression meaning a tendency to view the world through a negative filter; you expect the worst and worry about it, and are less able to see the good stuff or acknowledge it when it happens. This can change.

Worrying about coming out or concerns about finding a partner and being happy are common. Most people who visit the website are thinking exactly the same things. It’s just a lot harder for you at the moment because of the depression. You’re dealing with a lot more than many people your age. But I can say that depression doesn’t have to last or keep it’s hold and you can, like anyone, find someone special and be loved. There’s no reason why you can’t be a happy and successful person. It’s important that you take the first step toward feeling better by making that appointment.

Name [John] Age [18] Gender [M]

She's dated a ton of guys so I wouldn't feel bad if I did anything I wouldn't feel too guilty if something happened. I had already kind of liked him ever since I knew him but just ignored it and thought he was closeted gay even though he's very masculine and fits no stereotype. But I dismissed that thought since I've been in the same situation and been wrong. Well my friend who was dating him at the time showed a picture of him naked. This added a little bit of spark to my desire but I still paid no attention to it. Then she told me about a week later that he told her he thought he may be bisexual. At that point i just decided I'd avoid him all together. But, he would always talk to me in class so I gave in. Then I realized he was seemingly dropping hints. He talks to a lot people but will always ask me how my days been everyday when he sees me,one day he hit my foot with his and said sorry and then a few seconds later he powerfully move my foot with his and again preten
ded it was an accident. He'll catch my checking out his *** and just acknowledge it. The other day I was flirting with him and he seemed to be flirting back and I told him to wear a certain pair of shorts that his butt looks best in and he told me he'd do it just for me. And we just made plans to get some dinner tomorrow...I like this guy but he's my friends ex boy friend and he also the best friend of one of my past best friends who happens to be the first guy I ever liked. Talk about complicated!We're seniors and I'm obviously a gay man,18 years old. He's the same age I think. So what should I do?what would you do?oh and I told him not to get mad because I'm gonna slap his butt the next time I saw him in those shorts and he said " it okay haha it happens".


Hi John,

This guy loves the attention you’re paying him, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s gay or bisexual. Some people, confident and without hang-ups about sexuality, simply enjoy the attention they get, regardless of the gender of the person giving it. He likes the fact that you fancy him, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he fancies you or any man. I’ve known many straight guys like this. Outrageous flirts, suggestive language and even cheeky touching - even more so when drinking - but absolutely no way in hell they fancy blokes or want a relationship with one. This can be confusing and even painful, especially if you have romantic feelings for someone who behaves this way. Still, it sounds as though you’re enjoying the situation as much as him, and it’s certainly exciting to have this chemistry with someone and a big question mark over whether or not more could be on offer.

If it were me, I’d enjoy myself. As long as you’re both having fun then there’s nothing wrong with some major flirting. As an openly gay man too, anyone flirting with me knows the score. If I really like the guy who was being suggestive I think I’d ask him out. It’s nice to be certain of someone’s sexuality before doing that, but sometimes we have to take a leap and hope for the best. You never know, all that flirting he does might be what flirting often is: an indication that he fancies you.

Name [Marissa] Age [15] Gender [F]

I'm in love with this amazing girl who means the world to me but she loves someone else which is her ex . Her ex cheated on her like 10 times & currently has a baby. I dont know what to do I want her to realize that I will never do what her ex did to her. She did give me a chance but her ex got in the way & I dont know whether to give up or keep on trying. No matter what I do I cant move on I still love her.


Hi Marissa,

It must be very frustrating to love this girl who’s feelings are tied up in someone else. Even worse that this person treats her so badly. But it’s out of your hands.

The girl you are in love with knows how you feel about her and yet she chooses to pin her focus on someone who treats her badly. Apart from telling her she deserves better and that you’d treat her with love and respect, there is little you can do. Sometimes we just have to let people work through things on their own. Sooner or later, we hope, people realise they are worth more. But some don’t.

You have to focus on your own feelings and guard against being hurt or trapped in a cycle where you are briefly together with this girl and then thrown apart again because she can’t say no to this other girl. You may miss out on someone else coming into your life who can make you happy. Some good may come of simply saying that you love her but that you can’t go on like this. It may force her into thinking more clearly and into making a more solid decision that she’ll stick to. She can’t control who she loves, but it’s clear that she could do with making some changes. Remember, if she loved you then you’d be her priority and your love life wouldn’t be bound to the whims of another girl who sounds like she should be focussing on being a good mother and treating people better.

Name [Charlie] Age [?] Gender [?]


I have researched and thoroughly read other posts and answers regarding this situation, but I need to have an answer suited to My needs.

I've known I'm gay since I was around 9.

I met a friend in the first year of secondary school, and we were great friends. Always laughing, talking, and getting told off for pulling jokes on other students. Despite been gay, I had no feelings what so ever for him, and all I cared about was just joking around. In year 9 that all changed. I suddenly felt strongly attracted to him, and I kept and seeing things about him I have never seen before. His smile, how he looks at me, ect ect.

So these feelings, I kept at bay... for a while. I can pretty much get rid of any feeling I want, but this one wouldn't go away. The feelings for him were becoming stronger and unfortunately, I couldn't do anything about it.

One weekend, he invited me over to his house to sleep. I was pleased because it was the first time I slept at his house, and I knew nothing 'strange' was going to go on because he 'seemed' to be straight. I walked into his room to find only a double bed. I assumed I'd be sleeping on the floor which I didn't mind. When It actually came to going to sleep, he seemed confused and asked if I wanted to sleep up in the double bed with him. I didn't deny.

So I was just dozing soundly off to sleep, still having no thoughts of anything that could happen just fantasizing, when an arm reaches across my waist and he pulls me too him. I don't move and just pretend to be asleep. I then feel his hand moving lower down towards my crotch and I was completely shocked about what was happening. He reached into my boxers and started to jerk me slowly. He led one of my hands to his crotch and I did the same.

I didn't want to stop. It was amazing! I thought my dream had come true. Nothing further happened, we just tossed each other off. I expected that morning to be awkward, It wasn't. If anything he was closer to me, and I was closer to him. We went back to school, and once again I expected it to be awkward, annnnd it wasn't.

Nothing happened for a few months. My desire to be with him was forever growing. I wanted to be able to kiss him, hug him... love him. It was on a trip to New York City that another thing happened. We had a room with bunk beds, I was on the top bunk, he was on the bottom. I turned off the lights, and around 10 minutes later, he called up to me and asked me to get his phone from the desk just across the room. I didn't mind, so I jumped down and got his phone. When I handed the phone to him, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me on him. We hugged for what seemed like ever, and I could feel his hands start to pull off my boxers. I followed and pulled down his.

Hugging. Naked. It was a dream come true. He placed one hand on my head and stroked it.
Then he applied pressure to my head, a cue for me to go down to his 'area' I did as he requested and I sucked him off. He came in my mouth (I didn't mind) and that was it. A dream for me, come true.

The following morning we got up and headed to the showers. He didn't speak. We got ready. We didn't speak. We got in the elevator to meet the others. Only then did he say 'You know last night?'
'Yes' I replied
'We should forget about it, and pretend like it never happened. I don't want it to ruin our friendship'

A small bit of me died in that elevator. For the next 3 days, we spoke as friends. We got back to school, and we we're like what we was before. Friends.

We were in New York City a day before my birthday, which is in late October. Around A week later, my feelings for him had gone through the roof, but I was confused about it all. In an attempt to find out his feelings (and me been a complete and utter idiot) I came out to him, but didn't tell him my feelings for him. He reacted surprised, and said you should speak to someone or find some websites for advice.

Back at school and we're still best friends. He doesn't mind me been gay, but now he is starting to distance himself. He doesn't answer my calls, he doesn't speak to me on face book and he doesn't invite me over to his house any more. (He's always got a poor excuse)

Now that you have read my problem, for god's sake please tell me what the fuck is going on. I love him. We had sexual experiences TWICE. Then I told him I was gay now hes like... see you later, even though he doesn't mind me being gay.

Does he like me? Is he in denial? He has never had a girl friend, never talks about girls and never seems to be interested in them. I've tried to meet up with him privately to discuss how I feel but he is always 'busy'

Please help me.

(P.S. Sorry if the e-mail was a bit graphic. I needed to give the whole story.)


Hi Charlie,

In his mind, your sexual moments with your friend are not indicative of his sexuality or a bigger statement about who he is. He doesn’t seem to consider himself gay or bisexual and was surprised when you came out, even though you’d been intimate with him. Perhaps he's never analysed his behaviour or looked deeply into his sexuality.

He may regard himself as, and assumes everyone else is, straight, despite what you did together. Denial is a strong word, but it seems clear to me that there’s certainly a part of him that enjoys being close to guys sexually, but this part may not be a focus for him. Whether that means he’s bisexual but mostly interested in women, or just a messed up gay guy is not something I can tell you. He may be a perfectly happy bisexual man - whether he labels it as such or not - who occasionally enjoys an opportunity to be with a guy. There may not be an issue, as such, for him. But there is an issue from your side because you’re getting hurt. As a gay man, you’ve become attached to this guy and developed strong feelings for him. Your times together have affected you and you’re far more invested in what happened than he appears to be. His reaction to your coming out, to back off and make excuses, is cruel and unfair - friends don’t treat each other that way. Having been in bed together, he shouldn’t have been shocked by your admission, but perhaps you’ve scared him by putting a label on it and forcing him to ask himself some tough questions i.e. you’re not just a couple of straight dudes messing around because you’re horny, which is perhaps how he’s lived with it until now (for the record, heterosexual men don’t tend to have sex with each other!).

We can speculate about his sexuality endlessly, and I can’t say whether he’ll leap out of the closet in his own sweet time or marry a woman and be perfectly happy. Certainly, he wouldn’t be the first guy who’d enjoyed same-sex frolics but ultimately identified as more straight than not and had all his needs met by a female partner. What we need to focus on here is your feelings. You need to think about protecting yourself from future hurt and adjusting your expectations as you go forward.

You know the score if future sexual opportunities come your way with this friend: it’ll be good fun, but he won’t want anything more than that, there isn’t a deeper emotional element for him, and there may be long periods of time between encounters. If it will cause you hurt, then don’t do it. He’s not looking for a boyfriend and sharing a bed won't change that. By being in these situations and getting that closeness and intimacy you crave you are denying yourself the opportunity to get over him and find someone who can offer you a true romantic connection. It’s tough, but in these moments try to let your head do the thinking.

You might like to tell him how you feel about him. It might help you to clear the air and begin to move on, regardless of his reaction. It also gives him the opportunity to tell you anything he might want to say, depending on whether there actually is anything or if he’s ready to say it. If he’s making it hard to see each other face to face then consider writing to him. Get it all off your chest. Since he already seems to have made decisions about your friendship without consulting you - i.e. vanishing on you - and denied you the opportunity for further talks, then this may be the best way. Putting aside the other issues, he's let you down as a friend and you need answers. Perhaps you're happy to have the friendship rather than nothing at all. Perhaps it would help if he knew this.

You may have to put this down as some wonderful experiences, but that ultimately aren’t going to lead anywhere. You don’t want to end up waiting around for this guy who may never be what you want and you don't want to miss out on a wonderful opportunity with someone else because you're hanging on for your six-monthly with this guy. He’s got his own sexuality journey to deal with and he may be on a very different part of it to you. It’s not your job to fix him if he’s saying there’s nothing to fix. I know it hurts, but at least you got to have those special times with him.

Name [Ingrid] Age [16] Gender [F]

Hey Jason, 

I've had confusion about my sexuality since I was about thirteen, and I'm still just as confused as ever. I tell people I'm gay (although I'm not very out at the moment), just because it seems easier than having to explain the fact that I'm not sure. What I've found is that I find girls physically attractive (i.e., if a pretty girl walks down the street, I'll think "she's hot.") but I've never had a proper crush on anyone, male or female, like the ones people at school always talk about. I've had close relationships with people, all male,and I know that it's more than friendship; I want to spend time alone with them, I want to get closer to them; but never once would I think "they're hot", like I would if I saw a girl who I thought was attractive. The "liking" of these people has always been initiated by the guys, and I've never actually gone out with any of them, because I always end up freaking out and then feeling really guilty about leading them on, because I think that w
hilst going out with them I'll realise I'm a lesbian and then really hurt them. On the other hand though, I've never had this kind of intensity of feeling with a girl before. 

I've spoken to some of my friends about this, and they all say I should "experiment", but I'm not sure I could a) get over my guilt at using/ hurting someone, or b) get over my fear of having someone touch me (kissing etc.) in a romantic/ sexual way - (I think this fear could possibly be at least partially due to an attempted sexual assault I experienced when I was thirteen). 

Recently (a few months ago) I also began to experience some doubts about my gender, which just made me more confused about everything. I think I realised this when I was acting as a man in a play, and I felt possibly more comfortable and more confident than I think I'd ever been. Looking back, I also experienced this the previous time I'd dressed as a man for a role, three years before, although I didn't know what was giving me the sense of confidence. At the same time however, there were still things that I liked about being female, so this just confused me further, as I don't think I could identify as trans. This also brought complications in trying to figure out my sexuality, because again,the guilt I know I'd feel if I went into a relationship with someone who thought I was 100% a girl is not something I want to have to experience. 

For me, I think the guilt I have (and probably would again) feel is due to my hatred of lying to/ deceiving people. It's because of this that I've never had to lie properly about my sexuality (i.e. say that I'm straight) although saying that I'm gay doesn't quite feel like the truth either, and so I'm not entirely comfortable saying it, not least because I'm quite scared of coming out as a lesbian, only to realise that I'm actually straight. 

Thanks, and sorry for the length of this, 



Hi Ingrid,

There’s a lot going on for you at the moment, and more questions than answers. This isn’t unusual. It might feel like it sometimes when you look around but many people are not nearly as confident or certain of themselves as they appear.

Experiencing an attempted sexual assault must have been terrifying and it may have some bearing on your feelings now, creating a blockage that’s preventing you from seeing your sexual and romantic feelings with more clarity. Did you get support at the time? Do you feel you’ve spoken about it enough and worked through the experience? Be sure to seek support if you feel you haven’t addressed that time in your life. It should be your first priority, best dealt with before any romantic relationships. The flip-side to this is that you may have put it behind you, and there’s a risk of getting into the habit of hanging all sexuality uncertainty on that experience. Many young people who haven’t been attacked aren’t sure of their sexuality.

Regarding experimentation: I agree with you. I don’t think it’s fair to use people. The only reason a person should get close to another person sexually or romantically is because that person is genuinely attracted to the other. That might sound idealistic, because we live in a world where people have varied agendas and reasons for climbing into bed with others, but the simple and honest reasons are still the right ones. If you don’t feel strongly about anyone right now, then don’t get into uncomfortable situations. You won't enjoy yourself and you might even find yourself feeling grossed out. There’s nothing worse than having someone trying to kiss you etc. when you don’t fancy them, and it’s not very fair on the other person, who will feel rejected and embarrassed. I can’t understand the logic when someone suggests ‘trying’ something to see if you like it, but this isn’t ice cream and the feelings of others are involved. Besides, sexuality isn’t decided at a taste test: it’s inherent and intrinsic knowledge that will come in time without touching so much as someone’s knee. It just takes longer to make sense for some than others.

If you are interested in someone, or someone makes you curious, think about how you might spend time with that person or get a little closer. Don’t rush into anything, but just see how you feel as you get to know someone. You don’t have to put a label on it. Often the answers to our questions come as we simply get on with life, as we meet new people and have new experiences. Try not to focus or even obsess about sexuality. It might be tempting to try to analyse yourself constantly, but answers come more easily when we’re not scrutinising and forcing. Give yourself time. It’s okay to tell people that you’re not sure what you want - it’s not a failing - and it’s okay to say you don’t feel like talking about it at all today.

I know very little about transgender issues so this isn’t something I can offer insight into, but I will say that we all have male and female traits. Dressing as a man may have made you feel more confident because you feel you are more like comfortable as a man, or perhaps you enjoyed the temporary escape from the real you, the safe space to play with other ideas about yourself, and the confidence inherent in the character you were playing. It can be very freeing and empowering to put on a mask, whether that’s on stage or even just playing a different gender in an online computer game, enjoying the way others treat the player differently and, in turn, how that makes them feel. Please see the NHS page here for more information about gender dysphoria 
If you live in London you may be interested in the Trans Youth Group there.

Name [Tom] Age [23] Gender [M]


im 23 and im a closeted gay. I really feel like coming out this summer first to my parents. I have never denied my sexuality to myself. I am smart enough not to tolerate fooling myself. Of course i've been through all the stages of accepting my sexuality, with the denial part lasting only a week :), but now I feel confident enough to come out. I feel confident about my coming out to my parents after i observed some of their reactions to other similar situations (of course in tv). there were also instances when i was trying to tell them something serious but totally irrelevant to the whole gay thing, when my mum automatically answered "We still love u!!". They are really incredible people and I feel that this may make them sad or feel like they failed. In addition, I was always the great kid in my family (4 kids) and they helped me achieve anything I wanted so far. I do not want to sound arrogant but seriously Ive never done anything to embarrass them before I was always the kid they were showing off and now i am afraid. I just wanted to share my thoughts with you since neither my friends know about my sexuality. (but i really do not think that I fool people much, i may not be all fabulous but yet never hid my true colors). im graduating from uni in july and i really want to tell them about by homosexuality. ive never been to a relationship with a man before, not only because i was not gay-available but also because i did not want to go through the 'hiding' step. what is weird is that no gay man on earth approached me while straight women (some really good looking) seem to be very attracted to me. I am ready to be criticized by people and i can handle it, I've been doing it for years. but i feel like my parents are not able to cope with it. Sometimes I feel like everything ive done so far was just to provide them (and me) with the confidence to say that my gay son achieved far more than anything any other regular straight kid ever imagined.

i am really sorry for the huge msg but It really felt like confession. Your website helped me a lot and I really wanted to share my thoughts with someone. I really do not care about the whole world knowing that im gay I only care about my parents and friends. Any thoughts are welcomed but once again i just wanted someone to hear me.




Hi Tom,

You sound like a very confident and talented young man, and I can tell that your desire to be honest with those closest to you is very pressing; it’s clearly time to open up.

Your parents sound supportive. It also sounds as though they may suspect that you aren’t straight and have even dropped hints that they wouldn’t mind. Your past achievements would still be as valid after you come out, as well as any future successes. The only real difference in the expectation of your family, and perhaps even yourself, is when it comes to your future romantic life.

You won’t be marrying a woman or having children in the conventional way. This may be an issue for your family or it may not. Your parents may be looking forward to having grandchildren, for example. The focus doesn’t have to be on you in that matter, however, since you have three siblings who may have children. Your family can still celebrate in your relationships and the family you create, but it’s safe to say that there is usually an element of adjusting expectations when a child comes out.

Another way to look at life as a gay man is this: being gay or straight isn’t an achievements; it’s not something you’ve worked hard for. Those of us who find someone special to love have been very fortunate, but finding a partner is often down to luck and circumstance rather than some special talent or ability. Your true value and worth - the measure of your talents - doesn't lie in who you bring home to meet your parents or in your ability to create babies. Don’t think you're less of a person for admitting that you are gay. You’re still everything you were, and still much, much more than many people will ever be. It sounds as though your parents are the sort of people who may see things the same way.

Name [Roy] Age [13] Gender [M]

first of my names not roy but i do not want my real name on the web so ok i guess. I have no idea what to do. My friend at school is gay but he gets bullied alot and is realy sad. i am bi but i want to to tell him he is not alone but fear that i'll get bullied to what should i do.

thank you 



Hi Roy,

It takes a lot of courage to stand up to bullies, whether they are bullying you or someone else. Nobody wants to be noticed by people like that and to risk becoming their latest target. It doesn’t make you a bad person that you want to keep your sexuality to yourself in order to avoid negative attention. There are two issues that need tackling here: getting these bullies to stop, and opening up a little to your friend and being more honest with him about yourself.

It’s important to encourage your friend to speak to a teacher about the bullying. If he is too afraid to speak up then perhaps you can be the courage he needs and approach a teacher yourself. Even if at first you just say that you are worried about a friend who is being bullied and need some advice. But bullies rely on fear and that their victims won’t seek help. This is all they need so that they can carry on doing what they’re doing without resistance or challenge. It’s not fair that your friend should come into school every day with the acceptance that he’s going to be hassled until hometime. One of you has to speak up. My bullying section has more information on this topic and what steps to take to get it stopped.

If your friend is trustworthy and not a gossip, then why not tell him about your sexuality and ask that he doesn’t share it with anyone else at this time? Coming out to a gay person, at least in theory, has to be the easiest and safest coming out prospect. He knows what it’s like to be different, so he won’t judge you or think less of you. Not only will you have someone to talk to about something that might be troubling you, but you’ll be throwing your friend a real lifeline; I bet he’d love someone understanding to talk to about the difficulties he’s facing. I think you could help make each other’s lives easier.

Name [Shaun] Age [24] Gender [M]


I have been openly gay since I was at school and I have never experienced any bullying fortunately and I have been with my current boyfriend for 5 years now.

I have always been someone who ignores haters and I always stand up to bullies. The thing is that now as I have gotten older I see all these anti-gay protests that say that being gay is not normal, it isn't natural and it is damaging etc. That the LGBT community should not be able to get married or have a family/adopt etc. This never used to bother me personally but now the more I see and hear them speak about things it's making me feel like I am not normal and that I shouldn't be gay and that they are right. That if I was supposed to have children then I would of found a woman and that me fancying guys that I like is just basically my 'lady brain/feelings(as they might say)' finding a perfect man to have children with which of course I can't. 

Anyway it's getting me down now. 



Hi Shaun,

The desire to have a family - the paternal feelings - are not exclusive to heterosexual men, nor are they necessarily found in all men regardless of sexuality. As a gay man, there’s no reason why a family of your own can’t be part of your future. Not having ovaries doesn’t mean you can’t raise children. There are many children out there who don’t have loving homes. It’s not as if there aren’t enough people on the planet already, and adoption is a wonderful, selfless thing to be a part of. Family comes in many forms, and yours would be as valid as anyone else’s.

When we hear something often enough we can start to believe it. It’s no wonder that being told about the great evils of homosexuality over and over beings some to doubt themselves. But in reality, being attracted to someone of the same sex is neither good nor bad; it’s morally neutral. If you fancied guys and also happened to be a serial killer, then that makes you a bad person, but snuggling up next to a bloke is only as good or bad as we’re inclined to think it. We’re not born with a bad attitude about different groups of people. Nobody is born homophobic. But I do believe that we’re born gay... and then the world around us gets to either be nice about it or tell us we’re evil. It’s just flawed people, with their ideas and their lips flapping. It’s not proven truths they’re speaking.

And let’s say you start to believe the people who say being gay is evil and that gay people deserve less rights than heterosexuals. Then what? You pretend to be straight? Deceive a woman and get married to fool people? Make kids with someone you don’t find attractive? Or perhaps just stay single and never allow yourself to enjoy being romantically or physically close to a man. It’s a gloomy and dark path if you let these people win, leaving self respect and courage on the floor in favour of a hollow and lonely life. Now that really does sound bad and wrong.

Let them march and wave banners around. After all, everyone needs a hobby. But don’t lose sight of the fact that you’ve done nothing wrong. You’re a good person. A good person who’s gay. Any other values you put on top of that truth is down to you and nobody else.