Problem page archive entries: July 2013

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Hi Pat,

I’m sorry that I was unable to reply to a message that you sent on another occasion. I get a lot of emails and it’s not possible to reply to all.

There’s a gay youth forum called ‘Queer Attitude’. They have this to say about their website: ‘We're a friendly, well-moderated community of gay youth from around the world.’ bgiok no longer has a forum of its own, but I know that they can be wonderful tools for making friends. bgiok is a UK-based website with limited resources and I don't know of any groups or services in Canada. Again, I’d suggest doing your own research online and seeing what you can turn up.

I don’t know what a ‘GSA’ is but, assuming it's a school counsellor or support worker of some kind, is there a way of making an appointment that won’t become common knowledge to other pupils? A good counsellor will be discreet and keep everything you discuss private (unless they have reason to think that you may be in danger). If there’s a way to take advantage of support services then I urge you to do so. When it comes to offering suggestions of local groups and services, they will be in a far stronger position than myself.

Longer term, you may have to cast your net wider in order to make new friends, find greater acceptance and meet a partner. It’s easy for me to sit here and suggest people move to another town, but I know it’s a big deal. Still, if your local community isn’t offering you what you need then it’s not an unrealistic or wacky notion to think about relocating.

Perhaps you have ideas about studying that could be a bridge to exploring different parts of the country, or maybe a career that offers good opportunities outside of your home town. I don’t know where you live, but it could be that when you’re a little older you could get your own car and travel to nearby towns where there are more social opportunities - nullifying the need to move away.

I’m sorry I don’t have an easy or quick answers. It’s a big decision to move away but it’s something gay people often have to consider if their home town doesn’t offer the acceptance or opportunities they deserve and need in order to flourish.

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Hi Luke,

It sounds like you have a lot going for you. You have friends who are supportive of gay people, and you have a balanced outlook on your potential homosexuality: you know it’s not a choice and, although you’re a little scared of being different and what that means, you’ve reached out with your email for a little guidance. You should feel good about these positive things.

I don’t believe that sexuality swings wildly from one direction to the next, and I don’t think young people have ‘phases’ quite as often or to the same extend as I was told while I was growing up. I knew I liked men when I was 14 and, for me, this has been the case ever since. Some people know earlier, while some take many years to feel that they understand their sexuality. For some, they do know that they are different but their fears make them bury the truth, only to face it much later in life. You are doing a healthy and positive thing by acknowledging your feelings and talking about them.

But do be open minded. While you think you are attracted to men, you may also find that there is more to your sexuality as you get older and get to know yourself better. If you pay attention to what your body and emotions are telling you, you will always have an accurate and honest picture of what and who you are.

There’s no rush to tell the world, especially while you’re feeling scared and not completely sure of yourself. But why not confide in some of these good friends of yours? It sounds as though they’d have accept your news and be supportive. It makes such a difference to how we feel when we share our worries with others. Opening up will help to lift your fears and anxieties.

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Hi JD,

Why is it you feel ashamed after pleasuring yourself while thinking about men? Later in your email you say you wouldn’t mind being in a relationship with a man, as long as you know for sure that you are gay. These things seem in conflict. A successful and healthy same-sex relationship would be difficult with feelings of shame or guilt around intimacy. I doubt the shame is present purely because you’re unsure of your sexuality. In other words, I don’t think you feel neutral about both homosexuality and heterosexuality - not when one manifestation causes shame. And when we’re not sure between two things but there’s bias, that makes an honest and accurate appraisal impossible.

You say you have never had sexual thoughts about women. Combining this with the pleasure you get from sexual thoughts about men and your limited physical contact experiences, the picture of your sexuality seems pretty clear. At least from an outsider’s perspective.

Someone who suffers from HOCD (homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder) is a heterosexual person who, despite opposite sex attraction and sexual desire, obsesses over being or becoming gay. Such a person might deliberately look for evidence to support the idea of their non-existent homosexuality and torment themselves over it. An example might be a straight man looking at guys on the beach and ‘trying’ to find them sexy or forcing himself to notice aspects of their bodies that he normally wouldn’t pay any attention to. There is no sexual desire there, just revolution and distress i.e. the same feelings a gay man might have if he forced himself to think about being intimate with a woman. This causes anxiety and can lead to depression. HOCD is very different from the very natural and spontaneous feelings we experience over those who we find truly attractive. Such feelings are very positive, pleasurable and exciting, and they don’t come with the negativity and distress of HOCD.

You have described very real same-sex sexual interest and admitted that women, besides, essentially, noticing that they look nice, do nothing for you sexually. A gay man can have as many girlfriends as he liked, but it doesn’t mean he’ll fancy any of them or stop wanting men. Perhaps you have become a little obsessed with the safety net of HOCD rather than suffering from it, but I think it’s become a distraction that’s stopping you from seeing simple truths clearly.

Since you’ve never had a boyfriend, you’ve had many years to think - and obsess - about your sexuality. But simple urges and needs don’t require constant analysis. You, for want of a better term, ‘get off’ on guys, while women don’t generate that same reaction. So far you haven’t given yourself an opportunity to explore these feelings but it sounds as though you may be making progress now with your dating website activities (seeking men on a dating website is another clue as to your sexuality!). I’d encourage you to explore this further. Why not meet up with the man you mention?

Meeting for a coffee and chat isn’t a commitment to homosexuality. It’s not coming out to the world. You’re not signing anything binding and you're not making any promises of sex with this guy. You are simply looking at the evidence thus far, and listening to your body and your emotions. They seem to be leading you somewhere where you could be happy, where you could experience fulfilment and pleasure. You won’t generate answers about yourself by being alone at home and worrying.

You asked about the difference between being truly homosexual or bisexual and simply being curious. Sexuality, for many, isn’t a black and white issue. I have always liked men and it’s convenient to identify myself as gay, but many people have a greater sense of being somewhere on a wide spectrum. A bisexual person is someone who likes both men and women, but this is not necessarily an equal split. It's common that bisexuals predominantly prefer one gender, while still acknowledging feelings for the other. I would say a curious person is simply a bisexual. I think many, many more of us are bisexual then we let on, which I believe has given rise to this idea of straight people who later become ‘curious’. Fancying someone - anyone - isn’t about curiosity or trying something out. It’s a feeling. If a ‘straight’ person was ‘curious’, I would suggest that they are a bisexual person who’s so far only had opposite sex partners but they’ve reached a point where they want to explore that other side of themselves, even if it’s only a small piece of the bigger picture. Sleeping with someone is a big deal, not matter how casually some may treat it - each to their own, of course - and I don’t think the desire to have sex with someone of a different gender than we’re used to is on a par with being curious about another ice cream flavour. There has to be a very real part of a person's sexuality involved. I might be ‘curious’ about what sex with a woman might be like, but since I don’t fancy women and would likely give her a dull time and waste both our time I would never put myself in that position. That, for me, is what curiosity means. Conversely, a bisexual man who’s only ever been with men might want to explore sex with women because it’s a very real part of who he is and turns him on, to whatever degree. Curiosity is involved, sure, but it’s more a case of seeking out something he genuinely wants to experience. After all, imagine sex based purely on curiosity, even if the person you’re in bed with doesn’t arouse you at all. That would be pointless. Being naked with someone surely needs to be based on more than a passing wonder or it won't 'work'.

I'll give you an anwer to the question I think you were really asking: I do not think you are a bisexual man who’s predominantly interested in women but a touch curious to explore his same-sex desire. Getting off on gay porn isn’t curiosity. Don’t let the c-word be another distraction between you and your sexuality.

Push aside distractions and brain clutter and get in touch with the simple facts of what feels good. You’ve already written those facts down here. What turns us on isn't deduced from hours of obsessive thinking - it just is, like that feeling when you kissed a guy at 16. Take things at your own pace but be sure to give yourself opportunities to discover more about yourself.

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Hi Dylan,

The fear of being judged negatively is something we all worry about. It informs our decisions and behaviour constantly. This can be a good thing that makes us weigh up our actions for their moral value, and can help steer us to better things. But being gay isn’t a thing you’re choosing to do - to inflict on others - and it’s not inherently good or bad. It’s simply a part of who you are. By telling people about it you are asking them to accept an important part of who you are. Whether they judge you harshly or not will be based on how they feel about homosexuality, and not how they feel about you. After all, someone is Dylan's friend today because they like you and enjoy your company. If they didn't like you tomorrow because you came out, it's because of their issues around same-sex attraction. It’s important to recognise that your sexuality has no bearing on how good a person you are, no matter what those who are anti-gay may suggest. It’s a bit like being asked to be judged based on eye colour. You were born with a certain eye colour which is neither good nor bad, but we can’t stop people making value judgements based on their own beliefs or whims.

Deciding when to tell people about our sexuality is a big decision, and it’s different for everyone. Some people grow up in very homophobically hostile parts of the planet and have to be very cautious, while others live in more accepting places and can be fairly open from an early age. Most people experience fear over coming out, imagining the most terrible consequences. This sort of scary daydreaming can sap our courage and prevent coming out. Try to calmly think about the people around you and how you think they might react. What sort of people are they? Have they been supportive and loving in the past when you’ve done things they didn’t understand or like? Despite their religious devotion, how do your family truly feel about homosexuality? Do they know any gay people? If so, how have they treated them? Do you feel safe, valued and loved by your friends and family? It’s easy to imagine the worst, but focus on what the important people in your life are really like. You already came out to an aunt and the world didn’t end. Sure, she did what a lot of adults do when confronted with a young gay person: she told you to wait, though young straight people are given the green light to explore their feelings. But on the plus side, she didn’t run away screaming! Far from it.

Many young people decide to wait to come out until university or moving out of the family home. This is especially important if the young person has very real reason to believe that an overtly hostile reaction is likely, that could mean the withdrawal of financial support and housing. But even if you aren’t unfortunate enough to have such an unsupportive family, waiting can still be useful. It means that you and your family have space and time in which to process and get used to the news, and it means that there won’t be the sort of kitchen table friction and arguments that some young people experience.

Only you can decide what is best or what feels easiest for you. You haven’t done anything wrong and don’t deserve negative judgement for simply being who you are. Read my coming out section for more advice.

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Hi KatieAlonestar,

I suspect, as you do, that your parents’ strict rules over access to your girlfriend have more than a little to do with the gender of your partner, though it’s strange that they haven’t made this clear and have chosen to use your GCSE’s as the reason for their behaviour. It’s perfectly good parenting to want a child to study and do well in exams, and to put limits on a child’s social life during such an important time. What isn’t okay, healthy or normal is for a parent to bar access to a certain friend or girl/boyfriend completely, assuming that person poses no danger to the child in question. You shouldn’t be a prisoner in your own home. Although, technically, you are a child for a little while longer, you are also a young adult with your own need for friendship and social interaction that should be acknowledged within the family.

Being gay and having fallen for this girl are not failings or wrongdoings. You didn't choose to feel this way and the disappointment of others is not warranted. If others choose to feel this way it’s because they are unwilling to accept who you are and want to cling to selfish ideas and designs they had for you.

I know it’s scary but why not try to talk to your parents about how you feel? Say how sad it makes you not to be able to see your girlfriend. You might talk a little about your sexuality, how it’s not a choice and how important it is to your wellbeing that they try to accept it. You might say how you want to be open about your life rather than feel you have to keep quiet on some topics. It could be that they simply don’t know how important all this is to you. They may be extra protective of you due to your depression, and anxious about what may or may not trigger it. They do love you and want you to be happy and healthy, even if their ideas around that may clash with yours. Opening up could be the beginning of a better understanding between you and a more positive environment at home. My advice for parents and friends section may help you to understand a little better about where they might be coming from.

While under your parents' roof, and especially while under 18, you will have to adhere to their rules. I would never present a bgiok visitor with a plan to deceive their parents and sneak around, but perhaps there is a way you can keep in touch with and meet with your girlfriend, while not antagonising your folks. Perhaps she could be part of a bigger group that you go out with, so the emphasis isn’t - as far as your parents are concerned - on going on a ‘date’. Longer term, you’ll have to see how things go and make some important decisions. If your parents try to control who you socialise with, even as you enter adulthood, then you may have to get your own home a little sooner than you'd have liked. Sometimes this is the only way a person can have the freedom to be themselves. But for now, give your folks a chance. Try to see things from their point of view and give talking a try.

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Hi Harry,

There are some conflicting messages in your email. You would like a girlfriend but you are pretty sure you are gay. Nowhere in your email do you explicitly state that you are attracted to either men or women, but you do say that you haven’t had sex with either. Why do you think you are gay? It’s a simple question that can nonetheless be tough for some to answer. Are you attracted to men physically? What about women? What makes you sexually aroused? Don’t overthink it: just say what you feel and what comes spontaneously.

Anal sex isn’t obligatory for gay men. Many don’t like it or don’t want to do it for their own reasons. Sex between any two people of any gender is about what turns each on and what they feel comfortable doing. One sexual activity or another doesn’t define a person or state sexuality. Don’t let your dislike of anal sex cause you to question feelings you might have for men. Though these topics often go hand-in-hand, being gay and what a person does in bed are two different things.

It may be time to spread your wings, if you feel that living with your family is compromising your ability to be who you are. If coming out is going to be a problem, then get your own place sorted first. You’re not a child anymore and don’t have to be at the mercy of disgruntled parents. A houseshare, studio or bedsit are more affordable options if you are not able to get your own place (many aren’t).

If you are gay then you aren’t going to have a girlfriend or have children of your own by the usual route. It’s time to face the facts of that and think more positively about what life can be like, rather than what it isn’t. To rally against what’s real would be to mislead yourself and potentially a woman and a set of children who haven’t a clue who daddy really is. If you like men, you’re going to have to work at accepting it and seeing that it’s not inherently a bad thing. Life is what you make it, and so is sexuality. You can still have a family, and all the wonderful things it represents. It’ll be comprised differently, but not lesser than any other family.

You do sound stuck in a rut at 25, having not had the sort of experiences so far that could reaffirm who you are and allow you to flourish. I think it's a good thing for people to take their time and not rush into sexual relationships - too many do - and it's absolutely normal for any 25 year old to be inexperienced, assuming it's not because anything negative has prevented them from connecting with others. It isn't healthy to deny yourself positve and affirming experiences, to shut yourself away because you have issues with your nature that are blocking you from reaching out and being happy. Time to rock the boat, face facts and make some changes.

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Hi,

I don’t believe it’s possible to be nudged in either direction. We all grow up surrounded by provocative imagery of both men and women and have heterosexual relationships continually promoted to us from all angles. If anything, nobody would ever be gay if we were so susceptible to nudges and outside influences, never mind the massive heterosexual mallets rammed at us every day.

Sexuality is not this fragile thing that changes from the default setting because we spent too much time with a gay friend or accidentally saw the first five minutes of an episode of Will and Grace. I believe we’re born with the seed of whatever sexuality will ultimately come to light. If you find women attractive and sexy - they truly make your tummy flutter and excite you - it’s because that’s a part of you. It might not be the whole picture, but it's a part.

Remember though that there’s a difference between appreciating a beautiful woman - like you would a sunset scene - and physcial desire toward her. If the difference isn't yet clear, it will be in time.

Please be reassured that nothing you see on TV, on a billboard, or hear from your dad will so much as gently nudge your true sexuality.

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Hi Gemma,

You don’t need to have ever been intimate with anyone to know how you feel about this older friend. It’s nonsense that a gay or bisexual person should try ‘normal sex’ before they can proclaim their true sexuality to the world. Nobody expects a straight person to try a same-sex experience before they can be officially categorised.

I know the pain you feel about your friend. I’ve had very strong feelings (still do) for a chap who’s straight. It’s never going to happen, but that doesn’t stop it hurting like hell, and listening to wedding talk and hearing about their house-hunting exploits and baby plans is the absolute opposite of fun. It’s tough, because you want to be a good friend and to be able to enjoy the contact you have, but when it hurts so much our natural urge is to shield ourselves and even run away from - or be narky with - the source of the pain. This can confuse the other person and damage the friendship. But it’s okay to be selfish for a bit and have some time where you’re not in touch as often or at all.

The reason your feelings remain so intense, even though this friend has moved away, is because you haven’t met anyone who is romantically available. I truly believe if someone amazing came along who returned your feelings, you’d feel very differently. It’s easy for feelings to get stuck sometimes on a romantic dead end, with our attention focussed very narrowly, sometimes even obsessively. We’re programmed to get attached to and fall for people, and that doesn’t always do us good. What you need is to make your world a little more exciting - a bit bigger - to allow yourself opportunities to meet new people and have new experiences. By opening things up like this your life will become richer and more exciting.

I’m not talking about leaping off round the world, but perhaps something as simple as going out more, getting back in touch with old friends, joining a social group, going to a gay bar etc. Your romantic focus on your 30 year old friend and the potency of your hurt will change as life becomes a bit richer and more interesting. Perhaps you might try being more open with her. You don’t have to tell her how you feel about her, but why not discuss some of the things you’ve mentioned in your email to me? Instead of a source of pain - which won’t go away overnight - she could be a source of positivity and advice. Explaining some of your worries might also alleviate any concerns she may have over how her getting in touch makes you feel.

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Hi EE,

Firstly, it’s not appropriate for you and this chap to be hugging in your underwear. You have very strong romantic feelings for him, and he’s either clueless and innocent, or he’s getting a little kick out of situations like that, showing a lack of respect for your feelings. If you think about it from a different perspective for a moment: imagine a girl and guy are close friends, but the girl is openly in love with the guy. Would it seem normal for her to sleep at his home and for him, knowing the score, to lie around with barely anything on and initiate full-body contact? It’s only because you’re two guys and can sidestep the obvious issues here under the guise of a buddies sleepover. But it’s not two platonic straight pals we’re talking about. I would suggest that you avoid situations like this in the future. It’s not good for your head and I bet it confuses and hurts you.

But he’s not a bad guy and it sounds as though the friendship is important to both of you. It’s clear that there’s no way in hell you’re going to back off a bit from him, so I’m not sure what you want from me. If I told you to have some space you’d disregard it. If I told you that you won’t be able to find someone who can love you back if you remain focussed on this guy, you’d dismiss it. And I dare say you’ll continue to have underwear parties. But you have to think seriously about the future. He is going away and you will have to get used to not having the level of contact that you are used to. It might feel awful for a while but it could be the best thing for you. It’s not healthy to be so dependent on a friend that you can’t cope when separated and all aspects of your life suffer. You need a more balanced outlook when it comes to this guy. He’s going to make new friends and focus his attention elsewhere - it’s natural. He will meet lots of women and maybe find love. You need things going on in your own life so it doesn’t feel as though you’re waiting around to share his when he comes home for breaks.

What’s your next step? Are you going to uni after your year out? For that matter, what could you do with the twelve months of freedom? You could volunteer - for example - and meet loads of people. You have time to invite all sorts of adventures into your life.

Good friends will always have a place in our lives, even if we don’t see them for a while. Real friendship doesn’t have to be grasped at and reassured. Enjoy it, but think about how you can fill the gaps in your life that this guy can’t: a boyfriend who can return your romantic and sexual feelings. It doesn’t mean he can’t always be an important part of your life but with the unrequited love and dependence falling away.

All the best,

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Hi F,

I think if someone asks whether you are gay, bi or straight it’s okay to say that you’re not sure. It’s the truth. You might also say, “I’m happy being single at the moment.” It’s also truth. People are generally so preoccupied with pairing-off that they can’t understand someone who lacks that desire or in whom those urges are less pronounced.

Maybe you’re never going to feel that any of the sexuality labels are a comfortable fit, and that’s okay too. Most of the emails I get are either from people who feel they know what they are but wish their situation was better - for whatever reason - or they have no idea what label badge to pin on themselves and want guidance in choosing one. You sound frustrated at the idea of labels, and I agree with you when you ask why you should even need one. You don’t. The reason people like labels is because it makes us feel secure: we know where we’re at in the world and how we can expect others to view us. Categories and rule sets make life easier to understand: solid and predictable. We feel anxious when we don’t fit into group A or B and we worry about what others will think of our lack of adherence. Our desire to label is human, but it can be a prison.

Don’t kiss anyone unless you find them attractive and truly want to be intimate with that person. It’s the only true and honest reason to kiss anyone. Not as an experiment, not to conform, and not to give others what you think they want to see from you. If you don’t want to kiss anyone who’s come into your life so far then don’t kiss anyone. You clearly do have a sexual side and enjoy erotic stories and/or imagery of both lesbian and straight couples. But you haven’t met anyone who’s stirred you in the same way. That fine, and it doesn’t mean you never will.

Commonly, sexual and romantic longings that go unsated are often defined by a feeling of loneliness or an emptiness, even in those who have an active social life. It’s a certain kind of loneliness that can only be fulfilled by a romantic connection. Do you feel lonely or are you quite happy with platonic friendships? Do you feel there is something missing - deeply in your gut - or are you just aware that most people seem preoccupied with coupling-up and you worry about not being the same? If you are quite happy not being in a relationship and do not feel the need to pair off for sexual release, then there’s no reason not to carry on as you are. There’s absolutely no point pretending you feel something when you don’t and to risk hurting someone if you get into a relationship that does nothing for you, with a man or woman.

At thirty-seven I am still learning and finding out things about myself and the world around me all the time. It’s the same for everyone and it’s the same for you. You have described your situation as it stands now and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. As you move through life you will gain more insights into yourself, promoted by the people you meet and situations you find yourself in. Who knows what an email from you might say in five years time. You may be a very happy person who’s come to accept herself as someone who’s a little different but whose position is no less valid than anyone else’s. Or you may have met someone who’s awoken things in you that you thought were missing, or simply not as pronounced as they are in others. As long as you are happy it doesn’t matter.

You don’t sound unhappy - just frustrated that you’re not fitting into the slots that everyone else seems to present to you. The key is in knowing that you don’t have to.

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Hi Luke,

Same-sex attraction is not a sin and you haven’t done anything wrong. You didn’t make a decision to like men instead of women. Your urges are not defiance. It’s simply the way you are. Nobody has any control over their sexuality and I believe it is determined before we are even born. How a person feels about their homosexuality - not the homosexuality itself - determines whether that person can be happy or not. So if you’re okay with being gay, then there’s no reason why you can’t have a rich, fulfilling life like anyone else.

Your mother changed your school in an effort to remove you from what she felt was the source of your homosexual behaviour. But the guy you kissed didn’t make you like guys. You kissed himbecause you like guys. I’m sorry he turned out to be a liar and that you got hurt. Not all guys are liars and not all relationships will go that way. You can one day be in love and happy with someone who will respect you.

Since your mother is prone to quite drastic action when you talk to her about your sexuality I think it’s a good idea not to mention it to her again for a while. Enjoy your new school and the new people you’ll meet there. You may meet other boys who you like. And if not, you will do once you’ve left school and continued with your education or started a job. With age comes independence - your own money and home - and the freedom to spend time with who you like and seek out what you desire without worrying about what parents might do. Try to be patient.