Problem page archive entries: July 2012

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Hi Jason,

What happened the first time you revealed your interest in men that was so bad you moved state? That's pretty drastic. Did the majority of people react in a hostile way and you felt you had no choice, or did you leave because you were afraid of what people thought? If it's the former, then moving - if you had a mind to anyway - is not such a bad thing, though it's a puzzle that you'd move to somewhere that you see as less tolerant of same-sex relationships. Your safety and happiness are paramount, but if it's the case that you left the state out of fear then it's vital that you begin to adopt a more positive and proactive approach to your sexuality or you'll continue to run.

Some may say that as someone who is attracted to both sexes, you have a slightly smoother ride. You could opt to simply not tell people that you like guys too, which wouldn't be a crime. If the time comes when you met a man who you want to be in a relationship with, then you can think about how you might start to come out to people. If you found yourself in love with a woman, then there may be no need to tell anyone except her that you also like guys.

Many bisexual people - most, in my experience - report feeling more attracted to one gender than the other. Obviously, if this is the case for you and you lean more toward men, coming out becomes more pressing.

But coming out needn't be undertaken on an all-or-nothing basis. You can choose who to tell and you can be discrete to a level that suits you. While we can never control how people will react or behave, we can certainly make good guesses based on how any one person has behaved in the past. So you might choose to share you news with only close friends and ask that they do not discuss it with anyone outside of that select group. You might tell immediate family, but choose not to tell the extended etc.

It's obvious from your email that you have a strong desire to come clean and be open about who you are, but you fear the consequences. Remember that you have control over who knows and when; you are not powerlessly waiting to be sprung and judged and you don't need to live with a half packed bag.

Read my coming out section for more.

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Hi,

I know this hurts like hell but, although it might seem cruel, your friend is right: you missed your chance. But so did she. It seems both your timings were off and you didn't become a couple when you were both interested and available. That's in the past, and today it's important to deal with the current situation and not hurt yourself - and punish your friend - with daydreams and 'what if's.

She's with someone now and it sounds like she's very wrapped up in him. You want her to be happy, and it sounds like she is. One day you may be able to feel pleased for her, but it will take time. Reminding her how you feel and explaining in detail how much you hurt wouldn't help you or be fair on her. While it's good to be honest with the people close to us - and telling her why you are struggling was a fine thing to do - it's not fair to essentially ask someone to feel bad and guilty about their actions when they're doing nothing wrong. It would be hard for her to hear how she's hurting you by simply enjoying her relationship. What can she possibly do to help? She can't provide what you need.

Backing off a little bit, if the pain is too great, is a sensible thing to try. You don't have to vanish on your friend completely, but perhaps see her a little bit less and spend more time with other friends or focussing on a hobby you enjoy. Engage with some of the things you may have neglected recently because you've been so preoccupied.

Your friend is happy and has no plans to end her relationship. She's your friend and can't be more. You need to practise shifting your thinking from what you don't have to the valuable friendship that you do. Work to embrace the reality of the situation instead of lingering on regrets and how you'd like things to be. None of you have done anything wrong, and the pain will get easier.

Although the title of the page isn't appropriate here, the content on getting over someone may help.

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Hi Beth,

I'm pleased to tell you that I don't think you need any advice. I know what it's like to worry and imagine all sorts of outcomes, but it's important to look at your situation and recognise what's great about it. You've come out to several close family members and they're fine about it. You've been given some good advice, to speak to your school counsellor, and you seem to think that he/she won't judge you. It all sounds very positive and a great start to coming out and cultivating a positive attitude to who you are.

I think that your main worry is coming out beyond the family home and how people might react. Your guidance counsellor may be helpful in this and other concerns, but remember that you don't actually need counselling simply because you are gay.

It sounds as though you have a strong sense of who you are but just need a bit of support as you take your next steps - something that's useful for any young person. Take advantage of the opportunities you have around you to talk about how you feel and the difficulties you're facing. My coming out section may help further.

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Hi Peter,

It sounds as though you just need to find your courage. You have already told a friend and it sounds as though it may have gone well. This tells you that the world won't end when you tell someone you like guys, and that you do have the courage you need to tell people, despite it being hard and scary.

A great next step would be to tell the coach. Don't let the fact that you don't see him very often put you off. He's gay, so you immediately don't have the worry of how he may react to your bisexuality. He won't think less of you for being shaky or nervous. The worst outcome that I can think of is that he doesn't have anything useful to say! That's it. That's all you have to fear. But I would guess that as someone who works with young people and has already dealt with the issues you're currently facing, he'll have valuable insights and useful advice. It's an ideal opportunity to benefit from a potentially great source of support. You're only prevented from taking advantage of this by your nerves. You've already experienced your ability to overcome those.

As for past relationships: learn from them. Just be sure that you only get involved with someone you find truly attractive. Throw gender out the window and let natural attraction - to either sex - guide you. Life doesn't get much more honest than that.

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Hi Gregory,

It sounds to me as though you may be bisexual, but perhaps you are more drawn toward men. This aspect of yourself has grown stronger and caused you to reach this point where you're reevaluating your sexuality. It's important to be honest with yourself about your feelings toward men and women. This removes confusion and provides a firm basis to progress from.

What you do from here is up to you, but if you've been craving sex with men then it would be strange and self-defeating not to explore that. This is all about what feels good to you and what you want. Being close to a man might help to make things clearer and answer some of the questions you have about yourself.

You may choose to just carry on as you are, making an effort to meet new people and seek new experiences. Often things become clearer when we're not looking for answers to specific questions. You may meet someone who you feel something special for, male or female, and suddenly life makes more sense.

I would start by letting your strongest desires guide you. If you're not sure what your strongest desire is, the worst thing you can do is obsess about, force or attempt to shape it. Let your body and emotions guide you and be completely honest with yourself.

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Hi Lesley,

You haven't given me a great deal to go on here. I don't know how your relationship with your son was before you became involved with his teacher. Assuming his behaviour changed afterwards, it would be obvious that he's having problems adjusting to the idea of his mum being lesbian and being involved with someone he is taught by - and has authority over him - in school. It's quite a change, especially if he'd thought of you as heterosexual up until now. He may feel he has little privacy or independence, with two mums in the places he spends the most time.

I know you want a happy home where everyone gets along, but it'll take time. Be patient with him. Not only has he got to readjust to your newly revealed sexuality and relationship, but I expect it's hard dealing with the reactions of his friends. 15 year old lads - and I'm generalising a bit here - are not the most mature and open-minded bunch. Does your son have close friends he can talk to? If not, he may be feeling a little bit stranded at the moment, with the rules changing around him and someone he thought he knew presenting some large surprises.

Talk to him. Be proactive. Ask him how he feels about your relationship, while letting him know that you are happy i.e. he needs to accept your lifestyle, but also feel that there's room for him to express how he feels about it, even if that might not be easy for you to hear. He needs to know he'll be heard and his feelings are important.

You've done nothing wrong and you have a right to happiness, but you can't force him to be fine about things. Show him how happy you are and reassure him that your sexuality and girlfriend doesn't change your relationship with him. He needs to know that there aren't going to be any more surprises anytime soon and that he has a stable, somewhat more predictable, and happy home. Talk to him.

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Hi George,

It must be scary to be threatened by a stranger. Remember though that many people behave differently when online and aren't violent or aggressive when away from the anonymity of gaming and chat rooms.

It's a shame that the internet seems to bring out the worst side of peoples' behaviour, and online gaming - dominated by young males - is notorious for racism, sexism and homophobia. Anti-gay language seems to be common in online gaming, whether it's meant teasingly between friends who wouldn't regard themselves as homophobic, or meant agressively to a stranger. It's not acceptable, and if it makes you feel uncomfortable then you should, where possible, make sure people know that you don't want to hear it. In terms of your close friends this is fairly straightforward, but when it comes to strangers you can simply ignore them, play without chat, or leave the current game.

Playing with people you know means you can avoid random verbal abuse. If you enjoy playing with strangers then you may choose not to mention your sexuality. There's really no need for a group of strangers playing Call of Duty to go into their sexuality and personal lives unless they're getting on well and things naturally lead into repeat play and friendship. Do other people announce that they are heterosexual when they jump in to Halo? You may also ask that your friends don't reveal personal information about you; that's for you alone to divulge.

If the person in question is no more than a username to you - and you to him - and you are unlikely to even recognise each other, let alone speak, then you may choose to do nothing further. He's likely a loud mouth who hid behind his microphone and is not a real physical threat. Remember that several other people were witnesses to his verbal abuse and there's no way in the real world he could get away with the sort of anonymous attacks he enjoys online. However, if you feel in danger and know the kid's name, you should speak to a teacher about your concerns. What's important is that you feel safe and comfortable going to school and aren't a victim of bullying. If this isn't the case then you need to speak to someone.

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Hi Brilee,

I'm not sure if it's a spelling error or if I've got your meaning right, but I'm concerned when you say you 'cutt in emotions'. If you are self-harming, please read my dedicated page for help.

Your statement about coming out seems to be a little conflicted. On the one hand you say that your coming out would be a speck of dust (i.e. meaningless and insignificant), but on the other you say you worry about how your father would react, based on how he's behaved in the past. So perhaps you do expect a negative reaction of some kind and for your sexuality to cause something of a stir at home.

Perhaps your conflicted ideas about your coming out indicate that you're really not sure how the news will be received, and that you are not certain of a big, negative reaction. Although it might not seem like it, this is a positive thing.

I'm sensing that you don't feel very close to your family, and perhaps your Dad works long hours and is somewhat caught up in his job and out of touch with what is happening in your life. While it's hard to have a parent who seems unavailable, perhaps you could try to open up to him when he is around. Sometimes we can be guilty of punishing our parents and not even telling them why we're angry. Sit and talk with him sometime instead of being in your room. You don't have to talk about anything particular, but it may very well make you both feel good and help to reconnect you with your Dad. Perhaps you could try this with your Mum too. I think that perhaps you'd love them to be more interested in your life, as anyone would. You can promote this by changing your own behaviour.

Coming out needn't happen overnight, and dropping the bomb and then retreating to your bedroom is going to make you feel even more isolated. Try to get some communication going between yourself and your family and build up to it.

Also lean on any friends you may have and any support services at school. I think you desperately need to talk, so any trusted and supportive outlet is going to be useful. Don't be quick to write everyone off as not able to understand; don't trap yourself in isolation.

You don't give me much to go on in your email, and I'm filling in the blanks, but I hope this has been of some help to you.

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Hi Pat,

This might sound strange but imagine if, as a child, you had been stranded on a desert island with a few other children, and grown up together. No religion, no hang-up, no value judgements on sexuality. Puberty kicks in and you find you are attracted to girls. Would you feel bad about it? Would you feel guilty or that same-sex relationships are somehow inferior to heterosexual ones? Would you try to force yourself into a relationship with a male who you don't love, to do things sexually that don't feel right? I'm guessing the answer would be no on all counts. What would actually happen is that you'd naturally gravitate toward someone who felt the same. You'd be busy being happy. And er... picking coconuts.

Sexuality is morally neutral. Puberty kicks in and you find that you are attracted to people. It's simple and honest and something we have absolutely no control over. You can feel bad about it; give it names; attempt to ignore it; lie about it; debate the uneasy relationship it has with religion; weigh it against the opinions of others; force yourself into behaviour that's approved by your family but completely alien and uncomfortable to you... or you can work at accepting who you are: a good, loving person who's done nothing wrong. Allow yourself to be happy and get on with your life.

I think you'll find the dedicated religion section useful.

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Hi Miles,

You may find it useful to read my page on how to meet new people and expand social horizons. There are a lot of idiots online, but some gems too. I met my last partner on a gay social website.

I've also written about the gay scene and alternatives to it for those who aren't keen. Nothing is compulsory as a gay man, and there are many ways of meeting people. You're not condemned to a life of awkward clubbing if you'd rather go nowhere near! I know I don't.

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Hi Luke,

Your email doesn't read like denial. You explain clearly how you feel, admit openly that you are attracted to men and that you're covering up the truth. Someone in denial wouldn't have written to me because sending an email to bgiok is in itself surely a step toward accepting same-sex attraction. So well done. What you actually want is to feel better about who you are and to find the courage to allow other people to know the truth.

The obvious place to start is to again talk to these gay people you know. I can't think of an easier first experience of coming out than telling someone who is gay. You don't have to worry about a negative or homophobic reaction, which is usually the biggest fear for anyone coming out. Be brave and open up. I think it took me around 2 hours to spit the words out, the first time I told anyone, but I felt amazing afterwards. Confidence has momentum and it begins when you tell someone for the first time. It's exponentially easier after that. I imagine that coming out to a gay person will open social doors or, at the very least, give you ideas for moving forward.

Ultimately, the only other option is to continue to tell lies and sidestep the issue. That's not a happy long term scenario for anyone. You can be happy and have a family as a gay man, but it's hard to have a full and happy life if you're wearing a disguise.

You may benefit from exploring my website further.